I Self Destruct And I Don't Know Why!

[Erin Ross]

Every time I feel abandoned by my boyfriend or feel like things are just the way they are suppose to be I seek fulfillment with other men. In each case he doesn't actually leave me, I just don't feel heard or cared about. Usually, someone from my past. Then I lie to my boyfriend about it. We were together when I experienced my trauma but he just doesn't understand and I can't explain it to him. I don't know why I continue to go down this path. I don't want to hurt him. I need very simple things from him. Maybe they aren't so simple but I feel like they are. I don't know what to do. Should I just let him go? I don't want to. I just want to feel normal again.

 

[Justmehere]

Every time I feel abandoned by my boyfriend or feel like things are just the way they are suppose to be I seek fulfillment with other men

There could be a lot of possible things going on. Trauma can sometimes lead to a robust fear of abandonment, and instead of feeling the anxiety and fear, you could be running to being with someone else so that you are not feeling the pain and discomfort of feared abandonment.

One place to start to begin to sort out why this is happening is to briefly imagine what it would feel like if he did leave you, and you didn't get try to be with someone else right away - - ask yourself: what emotions does that bring up to imagine this happening? What thoughts come up for you? That might give you clues as to why this pattern is happening.

He could or could not be the right fit for you. If there are no other issues in the relationship, I wouldn't try to resolve this just by breaking up with him. If this developed after trauma, it may become a pattern that will repeat with others... until you deal with the trauma and why this is happening.

 

[Journeyman]

Every time I feel abandoned by my boyfriend or feel like things are just the way they are suppose to...

your post reminded me of an old music video by Fiona Apple, "criminal". Do you think you love him, and that's the problem, if you love him; then you would have to let him in, and then you could possibly get hurt again? Come here; go away! Or, since he was with you when you get hurt, do you blame him at some level and it's a way of being angry at him, but you don't want to? Also, check out the term, "trauma bonding"

There could be a lot of possible things going on. Trauma can sometimes lead to a robust fear of aban...

very good. or it's a way of hurting herself, as she feels she deserves it?

 

[Erin Ross]

There could be a lot of possible things going on. Trauma can sometimes lead to a robust fear of aban...

It did start after the trauma. I never thought of it that way. In some ways I feel like I don't deserve to have the life I had before.

 

[Justmehere]

In some ways I feel like I don't deserve to have the life I had before.

That's something many trauma survivors think. It's not true.

 

[Erin Ross]

your post reminded me of an old music video by Fiona Apple, "criminal". Do you think you love him, a...

Thank you! I do love him. And I hurt him so deeply at the same time. He has tried so hard and I think he is at the end of his rope with me. I have asked him to go see my T with me because I don't want to loose him. I will definitely be looking into trauma bonding. It's a term I have never heard before.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Every time I feel abandoned by my boyfriend or feel like things are just the way they are suppose to...

First of all it is a basic human right to have people around you that really do care and do the right things for you. If someone does not give that to you then it is not your fault.

Victims often blame themselves for the misdeeds of others. So what you can do is simply to take your time, evaluate and re-evaluate the people you spend time with if they are worth your time.

Only someone that repeatedly does the right things for you is right for you. Most people are not like that unfortunately. Most seek personal gains, financial gains, physical gains.

I find that patience will help you to find out who really is there for you all the way, at all times, regardless of what happens.

That is not something that can be found out quickly and that is why many people fail ultimately. They expect such things to happen fast, but in such things patience can save your life. Evaluation and re-evaluation will be able to save your life too.

It is a shame how many people use their body parts to find out if someone is right for them.

I prefer to use my brain first.

 

[Journeyman]

First of all it is a basic human right to have people around you that really do care and do the...

so, you are saying that "most people that you find in seeking a partner, typically are self seeking, personal, financial, and physical gains". So, if we have patience, and we watch 'em awhile, they may show up? Yeah, maybe, but I'm not sure it was his misdeeds? See, this is the problem, I'm not sure what the trauma was, and where he was at when it occurred? Maybe, she feels he should have been there? What do you think?

 

[Erin Ross]

so, you are saying that "most people that you find in seeking a partner, typically are self seeking...

When I say we were together I don't mean physically. We were a few years into our relationship but lived almost 2 hours apart due to my job. He blames himself for not being there. I don't blame him for not being there. I choose not to comment of the rest because my post had nothing to do with trying to find someone who is right for me. It was more so me trying to figure out for myself why I resort to this type of behavior to numb myself instead of feeling emotion.

 

[Journeyman]

When I say we were together I don't mean physically. We were a few years into our relationship but li...

Yes, my mistake. It does matter though if he "was there" or y'all were together. It really depends on how the trauma effected you. Maybe you are afraid of getting hurt again, and this is a way of avoiding it? An interesting concept is a compulsion to react, "compulsion reaction", or compulsion to relive the trauma, in a way of correcting something about the memory. It's different, you'd have to study it on google

 

[Journeyman]

actually, "not correcting the memory" but it is unforbidden due to the fear of it. It "memory not assimilated is perceived in physical sensations, terrible visuals, and nightmares; also re-enactments. If the feeling made me feel less than, and not integrated into the past, will continue to repeat to keep it in the "contemporary experience", or obsessively/compulsively repeats...anxiety/avoid, re-enact

 

[Erin Ross]

actually, "not correcting the memory" but it is unforbidden due to the fear of it. It "memory not assimilated is perceived in physical sensations, terrible visuals, and nightmares; also re-enactments. If the feeling made me feel less than, and not integrated into the past, will continue to repeat to keep it in the "contemporary experience", or obsessively/compulsively repeats...anxiety/avoid, re-enact

Sorry....I haven't been on here in awhile. What your saying actually really makes sense to me. I have decided to return to therapy. I have been out of therapy for almost a year and thought I was ok with that but for now I think it's the right thing to do.