How To Deal With Easily Triggered Into The Feeling That I Don't Deserve To Live?

[AnD]

Looking for some help from my peers. I am in therapy, but things come up between sessions. Like this realization: I get so easily triggered into the feeling that I don't deserve to live. And that I don't deserve to be treated nicely. I am afraid to ask for help at work and in my relationship, because I am so afraid that they will have a unpleasant tone of voice or anything that will send me off into this state of not deserving to live. That I need to hide myself and obey them to stay safe.

I have complex PTSD from childhood sibling abuse, being neglected and so on. I have on some occasions felt that my sibling would kill me and then I have relived that from early childhood. Over and over. Now I am so easily triggered into that feeling. I am afraid of interaction because it is so hard to fight this feeling off. And having to fight it off over and over again. Everyday.

I do EMDR on trauma, and there is a lot of them. My therapist says my symptoms are severe.

How do you manage this? Any advice?

 

[The Albatross]

Vanquishing the inner critic and/or the abusers voices that pop into our heads to reinforce the cycle we're in isn't easy. For me it was a re-examination of core beliefs and when/what developmental stage I accepted them as "true", evaluating them with my adult mind and then doing the process of endeavoring to change them to more "true", generally beneficial, and mature ones that were more reality based.

I learned that a lot, a whole lot of those thoughts/voices/suggestions were messaging that I believed were wrong and kept me in victim/defense mode.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Vanquishing the inner critic and/or the abusers voices that pop into our heads to reinforce the cy...

I think that is where my therapist is leading me. For example, I was blaming myself for drinking at a party before my rapist had walked me home. When the T said that drinking at a college party at 19 is developmentally "normal" behavior, it lifted some of the guilt and concern that I deserved a bad thing to happen because I was breaking my moral code.

 

[joeylittle]

I get so easily triggered into the feeling that I don't deserve to live. And that I don't deserve to be treated nicely.

This is where at least understanding some basic CBT will help.

"I don't deserve to live" is better named as a thought, not a feeling.

Can you write about the feeling that then comes with that thought? I'm guessing is stuff like fear, despair...but would love to know what you'd call those feelings.

 

[AnD]

Can you write about the feeling that then comes with that thought?

The feeling is fear. I can get into what I guess is a panic attack. I get dizzy, can no longer process information and loses my hearing on and off.

I think what I react to is hierarchy. In my household I felt as if I had the lowest hierarchy and was beaten for it, along with neglect. I was beaten for being stupid (my biggest fear at work) and for being weird. And other stuff too.

I try to deal with it by crying and remembering how bad it was for the little me. That helps to some extent. But it is exhausting being so afraid and having to cry so often.

 

[AnD]

I think that is where my therapist is leading me. For example, I was blaming myself for drinking at a p...

I am sorry that happened to you. And I am happy your therapist is helping you. Mine is helping too, by saying I was a child, it is not my fault and so on. But still I relive it. I wish it would stop....

 

[AnD]

Vanquishing the inner critic and/or the abusers voices that pop into our heads to reinforce the cy...

Thanks, for letting me in on your healing path. It is good advice. Perhaps I can try to question my feeling.

My first thought is that. Do I belong at work if I suck? But perhaps I don't suck as much as I think I do. Perhaps it is me being stuck in this flashback-feeling that keeps me from doing a good enough job. And I can try to work through that feeling so that I can work. Working through my emotions and crying has been fairly successful before, but it takes time and courage to do that.

 

[AnD]

Can you write about the feeling that then comes with that thought?

I also feel worthless. And I want to chase away that feeling by performing well at work. Somehow I feel that is the only way I can make myself be worth anything.

I feel that I have no rights, there are demands on me and I will be punished if I don't behave perfectly.

I feel as an outsider, disconnected from other humans.

I can understand that I am worth just as much as anyone. But the emotional pain is real.

 

[Deadman]

I also feel worthless. And I want to chase away that feeling by performing well at work. Somehow I feel that is the only way I can make myself be worth anything.

I tried very hard to do just that. It didn't work.

I feel as an outsider, disconnected from other humans.

I still think that about myself most days. I'm working on it. My understanding is that the way to stop feeling disconnected is to make personal connections. Its harder to do than it might look from the outside.

 

[AnD]

I tried very hard to do just that. It didn't work.

Thanks, for your reply. For everyone's replies. I feel lonely and it is hard work to be in recovery. It is confusing a lot of the time. I appreciate having this forum and being able to discuss these things. I don't think that trying to heal by being perfect at work will work for me either. But it is a strong urge.

I don't know how to connect to someone without telling them how much it hurts being me. And am I "allowed" to talk about my traumas and my symptoms? Those things occupy my mind a lot of the time. I try to connect to people, open up and stuff, but I guess all I want from them is for them to take the pain away. It never works, because that is probably a very naive idea and impossible. I often feel like a very bad person that needs to be punished and killed (yes, reliving past trauma) when I interact. I feel as if there is this wall between me and them. Perhaps I fake all interaction to some extent, because all I want is to be free of pain. But I feel as if I need to hide the pain to be excepted.

 

[The Albatross]

Wouldn't recommend you over burdening relationships with too much "telling them how much it hurts to be me"... eh you've done that because you say "it never works". Trying to connect is being hampered/hindered by "often feeling like a very bad person that needs to be killed" and I expect that is the depression talking.

There is a wall between you and others (peers aside like us here on the forum) - it is your depression, deal with that and get some traction. To a degree that would be true to form connections... hiding it to be accepted, but really it's more apt to say that it's too heavy a burden on new relationships to lay down a bunch of pain on them.

 

[Deadman]

I don't know how to connect to someone

Breaking down that barrier can be hard. Having you tried finding some place where people that like things you do would hang out?

As an example I take my dog to the local dog park even though I'd prefer he and I just walk in the woods alone. Being around other people who like dogs means we have something in common and leaves room for small talk.