I'm Scared Of My Own Brain

[Dana1010]

she gasped a very sharp intake of breath and recoiled back before she caught herself doing it.

it was just words, her whole presentation of them was that she didn't believe in anything she was saying.

I'm disgusted by this therapist. I don't care what you said. You were obviously ashamed and repentant. It's not like you were sitting there bragging about it.

I guess it is preaching to the choir to tell you that this is not how therapists are supposed to be. Withholding personal judgement is a bare minimum requirement to practice -- if they can't take the heat, they should get out of the kitchen.

That said, I think it is probably a good idea to stay the course with your therapy, since you have no other options. Perhaps she has realized that her behavior was wrong and will show a change in the next session.

Since you can't lie down, I guess you could avert your eyes from her or even close your eyes as you talk. Try not to focus on her reaction.

Have you seen our anonymous forum? You can post there anonymously about anything you like. Maybe putting some pieces of the story out there would be helpful.

 

[A little lost]

I'm disgusted by this therapist. I don't care what you said. You were obviously ashamed and repentant....

Thanks Dana1010. I haven't seen the anonymous forum. I'll find it and check it out. Is it really properly anonymous? I just really don't want people knowing it is me that had it all done to me. I'm a very introverted, painfully shy person naturally and get sick to my stomach even thinking that other people could possibly know it's me.....not that anyone knows me beyond my profile name , but you know what I'm trying to say.
Anyway...I'll have a look in the morning, thank you for the suggestions. It's nearly 4am here so I need to at least try to sleep tonight.

 

[Dana1010]

Is it really properly anonymous?

I believe that the administrators could possibly know who you are. But they would not reveal your identity, I don't think -- otherwise, what's the point of having an anonymous forum?

If you want 100% anonymity, you could start a different account here and post in the anonymous forum just this once, then cancel the account when you are done with the thread.

 

[joeylittle]

If you want 100% anonymity, you could start a different account here and post in the anonymous forum just this once, then cancel the account when you are done with the thread.

Not advised. Accounts get banned that way.

@A little lost - I'll fetch a link to the anonymous forum in a moment. Only the administrators can see who anyone is in there, and only if we specifically go looking for it - which we don't do unless it's needed (to stop personal attacks or other site violations).

ETA: here you go - Link Removed

The member Trauma Diaries are also at a higher level of privacy, as they are not indexed by any search engines.

 

[One step at a time]

Just wanted to echo Dana in saying that the behavior of the counselor was absolutely wrong, as was that of your male doctor. Hysteria?!! That's an antiquated (to put it mildly) way for men to deny that women are humans with real experiences!! [strong language on the subject self-censored]

I am so sorry that it is hard to get decent care. You deserve a reasonably competent trauma therapist!

The anonymous forum could help, but if you choose to post in a member-only diary:
(1) it is your space. People respect that and are more unlikely to try to give advice you aren't asking for, or flood you with replies to stuff.
(2) This is true of the forums in general, in my experience, but especially in the diaries... people here don't judge.
Like, really don't judge, because a lot of us have lived through painful experiences and carry immense shame about our own.
One of the most healing things about this site is that people go around reminding each other of their humanity and worth, and sometimes people who come here feeling so much shame... they give support to others and they receive support from others, And it starts to internalize.... if everyone else on this site is worthy of love and so on (even when their experiences mirror mine)... I could be too.

I am very glad you found this site - there are many resources, and no one, right way to use it.
You are surviving, and that is brave. You are seeking help, and that is even braver.


Oops one more thing on that list:
(3) you can post as much or as little, as often or as rarely as you want/need on the diary.

 

[A little lost]

Thank you Joeylittle, Dana1010 and One step at a time. I'm sorry I can't reply right now, my head is a bit all over the place and just trying to concentrate is getting harder as tomorrow looms large.....or should that be today now since its after 1 am.
Tomorrow morning first thing is when I go back to the counsellor. I am really really scared of going there tomorrow after what happened last tuesday. I have no plan of what the hell to do or say because I don't know if I'll be able to sit in that tiny room with her long enough without running back out of the door...well the kind of demented turtle trot of a person with back problems who's trying to run! I'm totally dreading tomorrow!
My only plan for tomorrow's session is to not crash the car on the way there or back because I'm fretting about her and if I can even face seeing her after everything last week....and If I do stay I don't know what I can possibly say after her reaction. Do I apologise for upsetting her? Do I ask what I did wrong? Do I mention last week at all and hope she's forgotten what I shared with her? Is she going to tell me that I'm mental , or disgusting...or...erm.
Crap!!!!!! My brain's frozen again!!!!
I'm half expecting that I end up driving in completely the opposite direction and up on top of the local mountain or on the moors. If I don't show up they'll just cancel all possible help....but can she help me?....am I wasting my time thinking she could ? Can anyone?
I am so f*cking scared of her now.
I've got to go, time to have a cigarette and somehow attempt sleep, which is a laughable thought.....anyway, goodnight folks,
I'll reply to messages when my head sorts itself out after this ...whatever it's going to be...Tomorrow morning. Sorry it's rude to leave you waiting after yo've all been so good about trying to help me. Sorry
NIght.

 

[One step at a time]

No need to apologize. Sending support

 

[A little lost]

No need to apologize. Sending support

Thank you

 

[A little lost]

The outcome of my session last week wasn't at all good.
I'm really really struggling with what the hell is going on with my counsellor. I still don't have a clue what the heck she is playing at and I'm scared that I'm going to finish these sessions more screwed up than I was before I started. Ok, quick catch up. I was totally freaking out about going on Tuesday after her behaviour frightened me the week before and made me feel like total scum.
The only positive from that session was that I didn't crash my car despite the fact I was probably not in a state that driving was the wisest thing to do.
I did go and afterwards I ended up on top of the local mountain without realising or even thinking what I was doing. How stupid is that??!! I am terrified of heights, I have a fainting condition that occurs only when standing, triggered by stress and I end up stood at the edge of a cliff not really knowing why!!.. I decided it wasn't a good thing so I decided to leave and just drive, I ended up maybe 20 miles (?) from home out on the moors wandering aimlessly with a shitstorm of memories raging in my head. There's no mobile phone signal there and no land marks to give me a clue where I'd left the car or whereabouts I was once I stopped reliving what my counsellor pushed me into telling her. That was the start of a week where my brain just won't stay concentrated in the here and now. My next session with this psycho counsellor ( I am sure she got her qualification from the back of a cereal box!) is in another week's time as she feels she "needs to recharge her batteries" . I'm beginning to wonder which of us is the crazy one !!??!!
She blamed me for something that happened to me and told me that I have to think again if I really believe it wasn't my own fault.
I questioned her about her behaviour the previous week and she said that I am hyper vigilant to the extreme and had picked up on her own insecurity about her abilities as a counsellor after she'd read the results of my half way review. She said that she was thinking that doesn't think she is able to help someone like me! She was having a crisis of faith in her own abilities
Needless to say this just makes me more concerned about her behaviour.
Could she be shouting at me to try to get under my skin? Is she hoping that I get so angry that my fixed filter stopping me saying the crucial nasty parts is bypassed and I end up blurting it all out ? If that's the case then she is very wrong about me. I have sat on my secret life for too many years for it to suddenly destabilise and spill out in a fit of anger. She just doesn't get the fact that I am driving myself bananas trying to get this stuff out of my head, the harder I try to talk about it directly, the harder it's becoming to articulate. Or do you think she could be doing this to see if I'm telling her truth ? Though why someone would lie about any of this stuff is beyond me!
Anyway...I just wanted to let you know and thank everyone for your help. I'm still looking for something to focus on as a safe distraction.

 

[A little lost]

I am hyper vigilant to the extreme

Oh and....yeah, her behaviour the week prior really took Sherlock Holmes to spot??

doesn't think she is able to help someone like me!

I wish I knew what she meant by that, though I ain't ready to start an argument over it. It didn't even register with me at the time. What did she mean by " someone like "me"" ?
nearly 2 am here, time to try to sleep, I feel like shit tonight. Night folks.

 

[holdenmonty]

have things gotten any better or did you end up posting in the anonymous forum? I'm really sorry you are going through this I hope it gets better. My assumption of her saying that she can't treat someone like you is that she either feels overwhelmed or that she is having a hard time separating herself from your stuff. But she should refer you to somebody else if she can't treat someone like you.

 

[A little lost]

Hi @holdenmonty ,
Thank you for asking, it hasn't got any better with me. It actually is steadily getting worse and things with my counsellor are strained at best. I still don't know why she says the one thing I tried to tell her was my fault.
Last week I ended up doing something, completely unintentionally ,that I just don't do.. I disappeared into a bottle of rum, drank most of a 70cl bottle (someone elses not even mine!) whilst in curled a ball, under a duvet in the dark.
I posted anonymously since I last spoke on this thread and also tried to start a member-only diary.
I've not picked up my art supplies again, too scared what my brain is going to produce. I still haven't found any way to cope and my counsellor just isn't interested in trying to show me any. She says we don't have the time for that. So I'm still true to my name here...a little lost.