Relationship He Lied About His Entire Life

[elisearmour]

I have been in a relationship with a combat veteran with diagnosed ptsd (and has had a combat related TBI) for four months. It has been a bit of whirlwind. I am not generally inclined towards that type of thing but he was so kind and generous. He had a good heart. He was trying to be better. He was happy. He didn't want to be angry anymore. It was really beautiful. I had never come across a person like him. Despite keeping him emotionally at bay until I was sure I wasn't setting myself up for something that would be a waste of our time, I stupidly allowed myself to love him. He promised me many things. I trusted him. He had never given me a reason not to.

Yesterday, I walked in on him and his ex girlfriend who he supposedly hadn't had any contact with for almost a year. I don't know how long he was seeing her: the whole time we were together or just some of it. And there were most likely many other women. But that is fine. That is a book easily shut as far as I am concerned. What has completely destroyed me and made me feel so violated is that every fact about his life is made up. His job, law school, his money, his family. Or, that is what I understand to be the truth. I have no idea of the extent to which I have been lied to. I can't know. I have repeatedly begged him (which only makes the shame so much more heavy) to talk to me, to please just explain why he did this to me. Atleast just to listen to me. He has wiped his hands clean of me even though he did this to me. His texts are curt and to the point. He told me to just move on.

He stole from me. He manipulated me. He psychologically abused me. I feel like a victim. This man has gaslighted me. This is so much worse than anything I have experienced with another person. I am not perfect but I never deserved this. I don't expect anyone to have an answer but maybe this experience rings true with someone else. I am completely in the dark here.

 

[Friday]

Well the good news is that's not a PTSD thing. That's just an asshole thing. The bad news is that there are more assholes in the world than people with PTSD.

 

[Deleted member 39414]

So sorry. The curtness of messages and telling you to move on is something I experienced with my ex combat vet. We were together 16 months and lived together with his two kids. We were so in love. And then the ptsd kicked in and I was thrown under a bus. He won't explain anything. I have been destroyed. Trying to move on but am stuck. Signed up for classes, taken trips and even moving. But I have days where I just want more clarity. I went to a massage therapist who told me he does metaphysical healing and can help me cut the chord with him. I will do whatever it takes. You are lucky you had just four months. He spared you greater pain.

 

[boodle]

I have been in a relationship with a combat veteran with diagnosed ptsd (and has had a combat relat...

I agree with @Friday it is not a PTSD thing. The pattern with my ex was the same. The thing is PTSD can be comorbid with any number of other issues such as Cluster B personality disorders. Obviously a professional would need to diagnose that. There's always the possibility he has been diagnosed with something else but never told you. It sounds like he does have cluster B traits. If he comes back with the charm (he likely will), remember it is a lie, the same abuse will happen again in the future and is likely to be worse.

Anyhow, whatever it is, it is not PTSD for sure. Move on, no contact, consider yourself the lucky one.

 

[elisearmour]

I agree with @Friday it is not a PTSD thing. The pattern with my ex was the same...Move on, no contact, consider yourself the lucky one.

Thank you. Your insight has been extremely helpful albeit disappointing. I feel even more violated knowing that this man's trauma isn't the reason he is the way he is. I apologize for the dramatic delivery. I am still very confused and often distressed. I don't understand how I fell prey to something like this. I thought I was a better judge of character.

 

[boodle]

Thank you. Your insight has been extremely helpful albeit disappointing. I feel even more violated...

Sorry @elisearmour that I was the bearer of disappointing news, but I would rather be honest with you than sugar coating things. I have only just been piecing together the lies and false life of my ex.

She had cptsd and I think the reason I put up with all the sh*tty behaviour was because of that diagnosis. However, over time and after reading all the excellent advice from the supporters and sufferers on this site, I began to realise there was more to it than ptsd. One member even had to tell me I was being abused, I didn't realise it at the time but it woke me up.

I feel your relationship followed the classic abuse pattern of idealisation, devaluation and discard (or force you to end it by them doing an awful act). To understand the abuse you were exposed to, try here: Top 100 Traits & Behaviors I found it invaluable.
There is also a great youtube channel: Inner Integration

You will have to accept you likely will never get an explanation from him, texting asking is futile and will only drain you further. He will just use your contact to ignore or belittle you further. No-contact is the only solution for this kind of person.

You will eventually realise how lucky you are to have discovered the lies now rather than in many years time. The most important thing to remember is that it is not your fault. Believe me you are not alone and my heart goes out to you.

 

[scout86]

Do you know that his service record is true? Mostly I'm curious, but my ex made up a military service record that was a lie. Along with a lot of other lies. There's an excellent chance he met the diagnostic criteria for something, but it was for a personality disorder, not PTSD. I can't help but wonder if this guy is similar. I'll bet he gets a lot of mileage out of the 'wounded war hero' thing.

I'm glad you found out when you did, since you couldn't learn any sooner. Don't beat yourself up. There are some people who are such accomplished liars, they can be hard to detect, without independent confirmation of the facts.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The reason why he did this? He's a dick.

He's a liar - PTSD doesn't make somebody lie.

He's a cheater - PTSD doesn't make somebody cheat.

He's a thief - PTSD doesn't make somebody steal.

You're never going to get an honest explanation "why" from a liar. You'll get BS excuses. He'll pull the "my PTSD made me do blah blah blah" so you'll feel sorry for him and he can steal more money from you. Cut your losses, consider it closure, and a close call.

 

[Flip flop]

I have been in a relationship with a combat veteran with diagnosed ptsd (and has had a combat relat...

Sorry you went through that!
He sounds like his diagnosis is really "terminal a**hole." ;)
I hope you can someday feel happiness about the fact that the jerk is no longer in your life. Someone who is a chronic cheater and a consummate liar will never give you any decent treatment or explanation for why he behaves the way he did/does. And, I will say with a certain amount of certainty, that he will never change his behavior. As for the alleged military service, I would be willing to bet one American dollar that he either never did military service or he was dishonorably discharged. I'm sad that you've been through an awful time; however, I am glad for you that a chronic liar, cheater, and all-around jerk is now out of your life.

 

[elisearmour]

Sadly, the only truth he told me was about his military history. I was fortunate enough to read through all the documenation of his injuries and preliminary psych forms after a short stint at the VA recently. Some people, I guess, are broken first and then further expose themselves to trauma. After doing some digging, I understand that I have been a vicitm of a textbook narcissist with sociopathic tendencies. Everything matches perfectly without a single exception. It's all very surreal.

All of your support has been invaluable. I'm so glad I chose to reach out to such a generous community. Because of your responses, I was able to figure out the truth and will no longer attempt to humanize him.

My heart goes out to those who are truly suffering from PTSD and those that have suffered in the crosshairs of it. Good luck, everyone, and thank you so much.

 

[boodle]

Sadly, the only truth he told me was about his military history. I was fortunate enough to read thr...

Hugs to you @elisearmour and good luck :hug:

 

[FireSign8]

Oh, I can tell you stories, but I won't. I will only say that I once fell in love with a man who was a complete & total illusion. It took me many years to see that I was in need of someone to care for as well as to have someone tell me what I needed/wanted to hear. Those 3 words "I love you", are the easiest thing for a con artist to use to get a woman into their net. I fell for it & paid the price. He later went to prison & later died from a drug overdose. He did have PTSD & his family most likely still does not know what kind of a person he became prior to this death. They even posted his AF Academy photo on his obituary. It was the one thing I always thought he was lying to me about & it turns out he really was a vet! I stay single because I know I have poor taste in men & qualify as a rescuer. I no longer help off line!