I think about wanting to die whenever my significant other and i fight

[anonymous785]

I don't know how to explain everything that's gone on and my current situation well enough for anyone to understand in just a brief paragraph.

My boyfriend and I are in a very complicated situation, as he's 20 years older than me and the only people who know about us are our closest friends. He has two kids and I help to watch them, so my family knows him and his kids really well and love them

But we've been fighting constantly for months on end. The weekend comes and we solve it but then he freaks out on me again every Sunday even though I didn't do anything. He gets mad about things I did a year ago and can't get over them so he punishes me constantly

It's given me horrible anxiety and I have trouble sleeping at night because I have nightmares. And when these fights happen I'm always thinking about how badly I don't want to be alive anymore. I would never kill myself but I think about it a lot whenever we fight. Our situation is so incredibly complicated. I have made my entire life about him and his kids (as much as I possibly can without my family finding out) to the point where if we broke up then my entire life would completely change. That would mean having to come up with reasons why I don't see the kids anymore, not going to a concert we've planned to go to with his son and my mom and her friends, why I don't babysit anymore. The list goes on. Like I said I can't explain the gravity of all of this in just words, you would have to understand how deep this really goes. Whenever the time is right, in the next couple of years, I plan on telling my family
But my main issue right now is that I feel so much pain and 100% blame him for all of it because I again did nothing wrong and woke up after a great weekend to be torn apart and ripped into. He doesn't even tell me it'll stop until I tell him how hopeless I feel and how badly I wish I were dead. I don't do it to make him feel guilty. This is really how I feel and it scares me so badly because if this were a normal relationship I would just walk away but I can't. I need help

 

[Casey_03]

Why doesn't your family know about him? And how long have you been with him?

 

[desiderata310]

First, let me say that you are in an abusive relationship.
How do I know this?

He gets mad about things I did a year ago and can't get over them so he punishes me constantly

Punishment is usually a good indicator...

he's 20 years older than me

Ok Age-ism aside, this gives this guy a huge emotional advantage over you. Instead of seeing each other as equals it sounds more like he sees you as a child that he has to correct. I could be wrong.

It's given me horrible anxiety and I have trouble sleeping at night because I have nightmares.

Normal loving relationships don't wind up giving one of the partners horrible anxiety and nightmares.

I'm always thinking about how badly I don't want to be alive anymore.

AAAAnd here we go. So again, if this is how you REALLY feel, then you are probably in an abusive relationship.
Being in an abusive relationship can mean pushing, shoving, choking, sexual assault (yep, even if you're married it has to be consensual) AND it can also mean, being verbally assaulted, controlled through money, emotionally controlled via children (!!) and even yep, you guess it, gas lighting. You didn't go into much detail about WHAT he does but I'm guessing that you see yourself somewhere in this spectrum. AND OH YEAH, by the way, being verbally assaulted over and over and over again? it can actually be worse in some ways than the physical stuff because it eats away at your soul.

100% blame him for all of it because I again did nothing wrong and woke up after a great weekend to be torn apart and ripped into.

Well, @anonymous785 at least you have woken up to the reality that this is NOT your doing and that it is all him. Good. That's the first step. Now, MY GUESS is there is also a cycle. and that this cycle has been happening for a while but now that cycle has sped up to the point where you don't actually have times of happiness with him anymore?

For reference here's a link to what I mean by the "Cycle of abuse"
Cycle of Abuse

Does it look familiar?

He doesn't even tell me it'll stop until I tell him how hopeless I feel and how badly I wish I were dead

And this is probably when he is good and kind to you (or was for a while) before everything started again?

So you SAY it's complicated and you CAN'T leave and 'what about the children' and you haven't told your family. Are you underage? Are you 20 and he's 40? What?
You are being abused. There's no excuse for it and NO, he's not going to change. He's going to get worse. Either till YOU do something desperate, HE does something ugly OR till you decide to leave.

And that's what I am going to tell you. LEAVE. STOP. Love yourself more.
Is he abusing the kids? Then call Child Protective Services or call their mom. But here's the clincher, this is not going to get better.
Let me repeat that THIS IS NOT GOING TO GET BETTER TILL YOU LEAVE.
Period.

It usually take several tries for women to leave their abusers. It took me gosh... took me over a year to realize what was going on, come to that same place you are sitting and then another three months to get the gumption up to do it. It took him raping and choking me unconscious. I hope that's not what it takes to get you out.

If you live with him there are shelters.
If you don't and you worry about him coming after you, get a restraining order and seek help from the women's shelters- they offer free legal advice and counseling.

IF you're worried about being embarrassed, STOP IT. I mean STOP IT RIGHT NOW. Because nothing is so embarrassing as letting it continue. You've got a vagina and honey, that thing can take a pounding! We don't need balls. Woman up. Don't let this continue. Because THAT- letting him continue to destroy you- is tragic.

 

[Friday]

Which one of you has PTSD?

This is really how I feel and it scares me so badly because if this were a normal relationship I would just walk away but I can't. I need help

Why do you say it's not a normal relationship? It certainly sounds like one. Not meaning that it isn't also an abusive relationship, but it's very normal that if you leave someone you life would change either in all ways, or in all ways except your job. (But a lot of the time even jobs change, because what works inside of a committed relationship doesn't work solo, or one moves beyond a commuting distance, etc.) The point of which being that when people say to leave abusive relationships? They're not coming from the standpoint of thinking this was a causal fling, with nothing invested. They're saying even with all of those changes, leaving is still both the right thing to do & totally possible. So is there something beyond the normal range of needing to find a new place to live & no longer seeing kids you love, etc. that are very much part and parcel with serious relationships?

 

[anonymous785]

First, let me say that you are in an abusive relationship.
How do I know this?

Punishment is us...

Whoops. Let me clarify. I'm 21. We've been together almost two years.

Also, his children love and praise him and he treats them like gold.

He was living with their mother until this past summer and feels immense guilt for leaving the kids for half their lives. Some of the mistakes I've made get thrown in my face for this reason - because he made that big of a sacrifice for me.

I've never cheated. Not even close. Not emotionally, physically, nothing. I've just had a hard time making adjustments to my life that should've happened sooner than they did and this is what I'm punished for. And not physically. He's never once put his hands on me. We get in humongous fights where there's name-calling and all that, but I can't say I don't participate in it myself. I do. Maybe not as much as him all at once but that's pretty much irrelevant.

I didn't know this was a site for ptsd because whenever I posted I was desperate for someone to talk to. This has been helpful

I am wondering if anyone has any advice for how I can help him get over past mistakes, regain his trust, etc. After everything he has done for me, how much we truly love each other, and those precious kids, I don't want to give up. I just want things to get better

 

[joeylittle]

I didn't know this was a site for ptsd

Odd, because the site is called MyPTSD.

I'm glad you were able to get some help here. General relationship advice isn't really what we do, and this thread seems to have run it's course, so I will lock it now.