Death Help?

[Changing4Best]

There are not, as you say, pretty words. And I choke, every time when I write or say "murder". But your words @SheilaKathy, I thank you for them. Today is a difficult one, called in "sick" to work after a sleepless night and am really unsure who I'm crying for at the moment, her or myself.

Crying for her or you is totally OK. God gave us our emotions so that we could use them in times of need and in a case such as this, your need is very great! I was listening to a lecture just this past week and a man said that even though he was taught that "men don't cry" that he does. He also said that he refused to teach that to his son. He taught his son that is is OK to cry. I thought that was admirable. I see that you are a woman, so you know that there is no such rule for women anyway. Grief and mourning are very real, they are very acceptable and they are very needed for healing to take place. And to heal from something as horrible as this could take a lifetime. Really.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

so you know that there is no such rule for women anyway.

I think my childhood bestowed that rule upon me nonetheless. Which is sad. That it could take a lifetime to heal from this seems so so intimidating, but I think you are right.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my posts. Her death was senseless but it doesn't have to be meaningless...I want/need to work my way to the meaning...(and without the accompanying nightmares and flashbacks, thank you very much!)

 

[Parley]

That's sad.

I'm not sure how anyone's murder can have meaning but people say they find it all the time. I wonder if that's something that comes with justice or at least knowing what happened and by who?

I wish you the best.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

@Parley I'm not sure her murder has meaning in the context in which you framed it, I meant that I hope to work my way around to living her best qualities, offering the best of what she had to the world. That part, at least, is not sad

 

[gealach]

I'm sorry that you've experienced the death of a loved one through violence. I've also lost 2 family members to homicide, so I definitely empathize with you, and feel for you. Whatever you're feeling in each moment, and however you're grieving, is all okay... it's okay to grieve for yourself too, it's not at all selfish. For me it hasn't ''gone away'' (suspects but no charges, no convictions), but it does get easier over time. I've found that I can say their names (I couldn't for many years), and can remember them (not just the way they died, they are so much more than their violent deaths), and can talk & laugh about them. I hope you can experience the same with the memory of your friend, and the herb garden is a lovely tribute to her.

I hope to work my way around to living her best qualities, offering the best of what she had to the world. That part, at least, is not sad

That will be the best way to honor her, your friendship, and yourself.

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 41765]

I am dreadfully sorry to hear of your losses. And it is helpful to hear that it gets easier over time. The unresolved nature of your circumstances, suspects/no convictions must add a layer of fu@*ery to the pain. At least they got this guy. Sigh.

and can remember them (not just the way they died, they are so much more than their violent deaths),

And this is what I struggle with daily, coupled with flashbacks to my own trauma. It is exhausting!!

That will be the best way to honor her, your friendship, and yourself.

Thank you for this, many many thanks. :hug:

 

[gealach]

The unresolved nature of your circumstances, suspects/no convictions must add a layer of fu@*ery to the pain.

It certainly does. I am aware of 'who' did it, as are the detectives, but they're blaming it on each other... so, reasonable doubt about who did exactly what.... blah, blah, blah. We all know who did it.

this is what I struggle with daily

It takes time. You lost your friend so recently, and are still grieving. Give yourself time. There is a homicide support group in my city, maybe there is one in yours? It really helps to be around others who have lost someone to homicide, it's a trauma that is difficult for others to understand.

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 41765]

It really helps to be around others who have lost someone to homicide, it's a trauma that is difficult for others to understand.

It had not occurred to me to see if there is a local support group (there *must* be considering where I live) . Thank you, very much, for the suggestion and while I know now may not be the time (too "trigger happy" and its too easy to visualize her scenario, which was not a quick one) to participate, I will begin an inquiry. In the meantime, I thank you YET again.

it's a trauma that is difficult for others to understand.

This seems true, true...

If you are willing, I would like to hear more of your story?

 

[gealach]

Hi @ShikibuZ, in my city we have the Victims of Homicide support society. I know it's only here, but it'll give you an idea of what a group can look like, if you're interested: Link Removed. When you're ready, I hope there's a group wherever you're living.

I did start a thread, it's not everything that happened but I got the main stuff in there: Homicide Anniversary Coming Up
2 children in my family were murdered. Don't read the thread if it'll throw you into chaos, you have enough on your plate.

I hope you are well, and taking as much care of yourself as you can while you are grieving. I can only imagine that Ptsd adds an extra layer of $#%@&!!!! to what you are going through with this. Sending lots of support your way!

 

[Deleted member 41765]

I can only imagine that Ptsd adds an extra layer of $#%@&!!!! to what you are going through

Yes it does!! I've not yet read your thread, probably will momentarily, but a trauma anniversary of mine is coming up on Monday. It's gotten easier over the years, but I suspect this one will be rough because of my friend. I almost lost my life in Washington, D.C. and she did. Sigh...

Thank you for sending your support and for writing on this thread. It means more than I can say!

 

[Deleted member 41765]

Exactly six months ago a radiant and giving person senselessly had her life taken away. The Earth is on the opposite side of the sun, and I look up to see different stars in the sky. Time passes, rain, then sun. Can someone tell me when the f*ck this gets easier...?!

 

[Changing4Best]

Exactly six months ago a radiant and giving person senselessly had her life taken away. The Earth is...

I'm really sorry that this happened. Life really sucks sometimes.

From my own experiences, I can say that "getting over" someone's death is something that never happens completely. Especially if it was an unfair death. By that I mean, violent, or from an illness at a young age, things like that. As time passes, I have been able to get my mind off the deaths of my children and my husband (my children all died in miscarriages and my hubby died at age 75 from complications due to cardiovascular disease).

Still, sometimes, I think of things I would like to tell them, and so I ask God to pass those messages on to them. I miss them. I always will. The pain is not as acute or as deep as it once was. However, it is always there to some degree.