A
A Soldiers Wife
Sorry this is kind of long... like super kind of long...
My husband has been in the military for 16years, 3 deployments. We have been together for 10yrs, married for 4 of them. I have been with him as a girlfriend for his second deployment and as a wife for his 3rd. He has always been the sweetest, most romantic, and loving man. Strong morals too! He has always been so full of life, loved laughter and always had an optimistic attitude.
Upon returning from his last deployment, 3yrs ago, it felt as if my husband never came back. At first I just convened myself that he was having a harder time adjusting. We spoke and/or emailed daily during the deployment and he was still that positive, loving man I married and so I was lost as to what happened. I tried approaching him several times about how distant he is and my concerns and I was met with defense and aggression. He would blame everything on me, it was may fault and I just constantly nag him and micro manage him. I would shut down and completely forget what I was trying to say to him (this is due to childhood stuff, I don't respond well when someone yells at me). He has become an extremely compulsive spender, didn't care if bills were paid late, or if they were paid, as long as he got what he wanted when he wanted it and complained when he couldn't have something. "You never let me buy anything I want or do anything I want". He even says this "jokingly", but not, to his friends when we all hang out and to his parents. It makes me feel like a crappy person and a crappy wife even tho I know all he does is buy for him, what he wants, what he needs. He escapes to his computer to play video games only to come out to eat and sleep. Since coming home he has spent close to $1,500-2,000, that I know of, on computer games and buying in-game currency with real money. He has purchased gift cards using the star card to try and hide it. Then he opened a paypal credit account and is using that to hide it. Last month he spent $300 buying currency for a game he doesn't even play anymore. He lies to me about what he spends and I sometimes wonder if he even realizes how much he is spending. I refuse to buy anything for myself or ask for anything because he spends more then what we can afford as it is. He wants the instant gratification he gets from buying something, almost to the point where he HAS to buy something every day or the world will come to an end. (is this a PTSD thing?)
The intimate side of our relationship has been on a decline since he came home... once a month, once every other month, 3 times a year to nothing. We weren't rabbits before but 3-4times a week, twice a week if it was a busy week. Lets put it this way, he was always frisky! But in a way where he made me feel like the sexiest woman alive! Now he says I make him uncomfortable, it's uncomfortable kissing me, it's uncomfortable to just lay by my side and that I put too much stress on him about it. He also says he has no desire to have intimate relations with me, or anyone. I have never pressured him, I kiss his cheek and he wipes the kiss off in disgust and say "ewww". I can't even get close enough to him to even have a chance at pressuring him. He has made me feel hideous and repulsive, as if I have been stripped of my womanity and am nothing more then a monster leering in the dark . I've left him to his own thing and figured he can come to me when he is ready. He wont even let me rest my head on his chest... because in his mind that is me pressuring him to have sex? I don't know what to do in that department. He has also become a porn addict, that doesn't really make my self image go up any after 3yrs of being rejected and feeling worthless. =(
These last 3 years have been hard on me, I've become so angry and then I hate myself for being so angry at him when I have no idea what he went through. (I agreed in the beginning of our relationship to never to ask him what happened during his deployments, but let him know I was there to listen if he ever needed an ear). Every attempt to reach out to him, asking about the here and now, was met with aggression and just pushed him farther away. Even just asking "How was your day?" or "You look really worn out babe, was it a busy day? Is there anything I can get for you or do for you?" (I got dirty looks at times for asking, followed with a sharp scolding "No").
His parents are jerks and only talk to him when they need or want something. His best friend has become that kind of person too. They have know each other FOREVER and I have been shocked that his friends, his parents... none of them have asked me about how he has been acting. Why he sits in the corner of the room at family events and doesn't want to socialize. Or why he get aggravated so easily.... did they never see the side of him I saw? Have I managed to create this amazing man in my head, all the memories we have shared? Was it real? Am I going crazy?
It took me falling into a deep depression for him to start talking to me and then admitting that he thinks he needs help!
He has been diagnosed with PTSD and has an extreme disconnect. He has started seeing the counselor and we have just started going as a couple. This all starting about a month and a half ago. He has PTSD classes that start up in a few weeks and we will be doing the couples classes also in about a month.
During the first few weeks I learned that he feels nothing for me, nothing at all. There is no connection at all to me or to anyone and that he just wants to lock himself away and avoid life. I am still learning about PTSD and trying to learn as much as I can. I have accepted that this is who he is now and that with counseling and my support we can build towards helping him cope with it and us learning to live with it. I know this journey will be challenging but this is the man I love "in sickness and in health, till death do us part"! I will fight for him, I believe in him, we can do this!
A week ago today I learned that he cheated on me. He said he doesn't know why, he just didn't care. It was only kissing and went on for a few months... right after we purchased our first home.
It took 2days to hit me, it felt like I was in a dream. The man I married would rather take a bullet to the chest then cheat on me. It felt as if everything wasn't really happening, I was watching someone's nightmare, my nightmare and I couldn't wake from it. I couldn't stop crying and at times I couldn't breath. It constantly felt like my whole body was trembling. My heart pounding, the vibration making me tremble more, cry more. I had spurts of rage, I wanted to kick and scream and AHHHHHH. I wanted to yell at him for betraying my trust and hurting me like this, but the empty shell of my husband could care less how I felt. I wanted to hand him a knife and hold it to my heart so he could do it right this time, at least the pain wouldn't be ongoing! Then I'd find hope in the smallest thing telling myself "we can still do this, I love him and I know this isn't my husband... he is still in there!" Followed by an image in my head of him with this other woman and my heart sinking into my stomach, just to repeat the cycle. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat... I thought I was going crazy. It just barely stopped, the trembling, but I am still an emotional roller-coaster. I want to scream at him for hurting me but it would just infuriate me looking into his eyes and seeing nothing but a void. I am frustrated, mad at myself for being frustrated at all of it. The only time he is willing to talk about PTSD or learn about PTSD is with the counselor, almost like if he brings it home and talks about it that will make it truly real.
He doesn't want any kind of physical contact with me. I know it's the PTSD but it's so hard to not feel unwanted, unloved, and worthless when the love of your life looks at you blankly and says "sorry, it is what it is". The coldness behind it is so hard to get past and it's so hard to not burst into tears. And then feeling like an ass because he is fighting a whole new war in his head and here I am making it more stressful because all I want is for my husband to hold me and to feel the love we have shared for so long. I try to hide away and cry just to get it out but he inevitably finds me and I get that void look again with "what's wrong"... "oh, were still on that"... he doesn't even grasp that I can't just turn it off, that I need time to heal. He's frustrated with me because I'm emotional and I'm frustrated with him because he isn't.
I'm going to try to find a counselor, just for me, to help me with everything going on in my head. I don't want to create a home life that stresses him more. I don't trust my friend to not tell the entire world and to be honest I don't trust anybody right now. But I still need to vent to someone! I'm glad I found this site, an outlet for me to vent and to read other stories from people dealing with the same thing I am, I'm not alone! We are still doing all the other counseling and classes and still hanging in there? It's really hard to tell where he stands... One day he would rather leave me because he thinks he is a failure and the next he talks about future future plans... in that moment when he is making plans, does he feel something for me? Or is it just because we have talked about it before and it's a memory of something that made him happy and he is trying to hang on to it? Or is it just to torture me?
...Sigh...
I wanted to get any advice from people who have PTSD and those in a relationship with someone who has PTSD. What things have made it worse for you, to cope with PTSD, that your spouse did; the things that may have been with good intentions but ended badly. What were the things that they did for you, said to you, that made a bad day less bad and things that kept a good day from turning bad. Does the emotional disconnect get better, does it go away? Will he ever be able to feel that love, that passion, that desire he once had for me?
I'd love some advice from those who have stood by their loved one and helped them fight this. Things that appeared to help; things that helped you keep from going postal, from emotionally vomiting all over your loved one. Things to avoid doing at all costs. The things you wish you had known earlier but learned later. How do you get past the cold emotionless words that pierce your heart and make you cringe?
I am a patient, caring, understanding and forgiving person... I know some of my words, my feeling might come across as insensitive and they are. I'm venting, I love this man more then words can begin to express. He is my best friend, my hero, my strength, my lover and my husband. I accept that this is who he is now, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less to see the love of my life not able to feel the love we shared. I can't even imagine how hard that would be... I am here for him and ready to walk by his side, hand in hand.
If you suffered through my wall of text, thank you <3
P.S. He has not been violent, he has never even made me feel as if he would ever strike me... then again, I would have said the same thing about cheating... cheating on me with an Army chick who works at the VA clinic BY MY WORK!!!!!!!!!!!! She even facebook friended him and knew he was married, she referred us to the agent who helped us get our home....
*takes deep breath*
My husband has been in the military for 16years, 3 deployments. We have been together for 10yrs, married for 4 of them. I have been with him as a girlfriend for his second deployment and as a wife for his 3rd. He has always been the sweetest, most romantic, and loving man. Strong morals too! He has always been so full of life, loved laughter and always had an optimistic attitude.
Upon returning from his last deployment, 3yrs ago, it felt as if my husband never came back. At first I just convened myself that he was having a harder time adjusting. We spoke and/or emailed daily during the deployment and he was still that positive, loving man I married and so I was lost as to what happened. I tried approaching him several times about how distant he is and my concerns and I was met with defense and aggression. He would blame everything on me, it was may fault and I just constantly nag him and micro manage him. I would shut down and completely forget what I was trying to say to him (this is due to childhood stuff, I don't respond well when someone yells at me). He has become an extremely compulsive spender, didn't care if bills were paid late, or if they were paid, as long as he got what he wanted when he wanted it and complained when he couldn't have something. "You never let me buy anything I want or do anything I want". He even says this "jokingly", but not, to his friends when we all hang out and to his parents. It makes me feel like a crappy person and a crappy wife even tho I know all he does is buy for him, what he wants, what he needs. He escapes to his computer to play video games only to come out to eat and sleep. Since coming home he has spent close to $1,500-2,000, that I know of, on computer games and buying in-game currency with real money. He has purchased gift cards using the star card to try and hide it. Then he opened a paypal credit account and is using that to hide it. Last month he spent $300 buying currency for a game he doesn't even play anymore. He lies to me about what he spends and I sometimes wonder if he even realizes how much he is spending. I refuse to buy anything for myself or ask for anything because he spends more then what we can afford as it is. He wants the instant gratification he gets from buying something, almost to the point where he HAS to buy something every day or the world will come to an end. (is this a PTSD thing?)
The intimate side of our relationship has been on a decline since he came home... once a month, once every other month, 3 times a year to nothing. We weren't rabbits before but 3-4times a week, twice a week if it was a busy week. Lets put it this way, he was always frisky! But in a way where he made me feel like the sexiest woman alive! Now he says I make him uncomfortable, it's uncomfortable kissing me, it's uncomfortable to just lay by my side and that I put too much stress on him about it. He also says he has no desire to have intimate relations with me, or anyone. I have never pressured him, I kiss his cheek and he wipes the kiss off in disgust and say "ewww". I can't even get close enough to him to even have a chance at pressuring him. He has made me feel hideous and repulsive, as if I have been stripped of my womanity and am nothing more then a monster leering in the dark . I've left him to his own thing and figured he can come to me when he is ready. He wont even let me rest my head on his chest... because in his mind that is me pressuring him to have sex? I don't know what to do in that department. He has also become a porn addict, that doesn't really make my self image go up any after 3yrs of being rejected and feeling worthless. =(
These last 3 years have been hard on me, I've become so angry and then I hate myself for being so angry at him when I have no idea what he went through. (I agreed in the beginning of our relationship to never to ask him what happened during his deployments, but let him know I was there to listen if he ever needed an ear). Every attempt to reach out to him, asking about the here and now, was met with aggression and just pushed him farther away. Even just asking "How was your day?" or "You look really worn out babe, was it a busy day? Is there anything I can get for you or do for you?" (I got dirty looks at times for asking, followed with a sharp scolding "No").
His parents are jerks and only talk to him when they need or want something. His best friend has become that kind of person too. They have know each other FOREVER and I have been shocked that his friends, his parents... none of them have asked me about how he has been acting. Why he sits in the corner of the room at family events and doesn't want to socialize. Or why he get aggravated so easily.... did they never see the side of him I saw? Have I managed to create this amazing man in my head, all the memories we have shared? Was it real? Am I going crazy?
It took me falling into a deep depression for him to start talking to me and then admitting that he thinks he needs help!
He has been diagnosed with PTSD and has an extreme disconnect. He has started seeing the counselor and we have just started going as a couple. This all starting about a month and a half ago. He has PTSD classes that start up in a few weeks and we will be doing the couples classes also in about a month.
During the first few weeks I learned that he feels nothing for me, nothing at all. There is no connection at all to me or to anyone and that he just wants to lock himself away and avoid life. I am still learning about PTSD and trying to learn as much as I can. I have accepted that this is who he is now and that with counseling and my support we can build towards helping him cope with it and us learning to live with it. I know this journey will be challenging but this is the man I love "in sickness and in health, till death do us part"! I will fight for him, I believe in him, we can do this!
A week ago today I learned that he cheated on me. He said he doesn't know why, he just didn't care. It was only kissing and went on for a few months... right after we purchased our first home.
It took 2days to hit me, it felt like I was in a dream. The man I married would rather take a bullet to the chest then cheat on me. It felt as if everything wasn't really happening, I was watching someone's nightmare, my nightmare and I couldn't wake from it. I couldn't stop crying and at times I couldn't breath. It constantly felt like my whole body was trembling. My heart pounding, the vibration making me tremble more, cry more. I had spurts of rage, I wanted to kick and scream and AHHHHHH. I wanted to yell at him for betraying my trust and hurting me like this, but the empty shell of my husband could care less how I felt. I wanted to hand him a knife and hold it to my heart so he could do it right this time, at least the pain wouldn't be ongoing! Then I'd find hope in the smallest thing telling myself "we can still do this, I love him and I know this isn't my husband... he is still in there!" Followed by an image in my head of him with this other woman and my heart sinking into my stomach, just to repeat the cycle. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat... I thought I was going crazy. It just barely stopped, the trembling, but I am still an emotional roller-coaster. I want to scream at him for hurting me but it would just infuriate me looking into his eyes and seeing nothing but a void. I am frustrated, mad at myself for being frustrated at all of it. The only time he is willing to talk about PTSD or learn about PTSD is with the counselor, almost like if he brings it home and talks about it that will make it truly real.
He doesn't want any kind of physical contact with me. I know it's the PTSD but it's so hard to not feel unwanted, unloved, and worthless when the love of your life looks at you blankly and says "sorry, it is what it is". The coldness behind it is so hard to get past and it's so hard to not burst into tears. And then feeling like an ass because he is fighting a whole new war in his head and here I am making it more stressful because all I want is for my husband to hold me and to feel the love we have shared for so long. I try to hide away and cry just to get it out but he inevitably finds me and I get that void look again with "what's wrong"... "oh, were still on that"... he doesn't even grasp that I can't just turn it off, that I need time to heal. He's frustrated with me because I'm emotional and I'm frustrated with him because he isn't.
I'm going to try to find a counselor, just for me, to help me with everything going on in my head. I don't want to create a home life that stresses him more. I don't trust my friend to not tell the entire world and to be honest I don't trust anybody right now. But I still need to vent to someone! I'm glad I found this site, an outlet for me to vent and to read other stories from people dealing with the same thing I am, I'm not alone! We are still doing all the other counseling and classes and still hanging in there? It's really hard to tell where he stands... One day he would rather leave me because he thinks he is a failure and the next he talks about future future plans... in that moment when he is making plans, does he feel something for me? Or is it just because we have talked about it before and it's a memory of something that made him happy and he is trying to hang on to it? Or is it just to torture me?
...Sigh...
I wanted to get any advice from people who have PTSD and those in a relationship with someone who has PTSD. What things have made it worse for you, to cope with PTSD, that your spouse did; the things that may have been with good intentions but ended badly. What were the things that they did for you, said to you, that made a bad day less bad and things that kept a good day from turning bad. Does the emotional disconnect get better, does it go away? Will he ever be able to feel that love, that passion, that desire he once had for me?
I'd love some advice from those who have stood by their loved one and helped them fight this. Things that appeared to help; things that helped you keep from going postal, from emotionally vomiting all over your loved one. Things to avoid doing at all costs. The things you wish you had known earlier but learned later. How do you get past the cold emotionless words that pierce your heart and make you cringe?
I am a patient, caring, understanding and forgiving person... I know some of my words, my feeling might come across as insensitive and they are. I'm venting, I love this man more then words can begin to express. He is my best friend, my hero, my strength, my lover and my husband. I accept that this is who he is now, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less to see the love of my life not able to feel the love we shared. I can't even imagine how hard that would be... I am here for him and ready to walk by his side, hand in hand.
If you suffered through my wall of text, thank you <3
P.S. He has not been violent, he has never even made me feel as if he would ever strike me... then again, I would have said the same thing about cheating... cheating on me with an Army chick who works at the VA clinic BY MY WORK!!!!!!!!!!!! She even facebook friended him and knew he was married, she referred us to the agent who helped us get our home....
*takes deep breath*
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