Harmful coping strategy is hurting our marriage

[BKT]

My husband has PTSD. When he is triggered by his traumatic event he goes to reminders of a girl that was his best friend and whom he had a crush on at the time to help with the flashbacks. This girl was the only one there for him during that time and the only happy thought he has of the time of the event. He says that going to reminders of her is the only thing that helps. The problem is it feels like there is another woman in our marriage. His obsession with her seems to be entangled into everything in our life even to where he has treated me like her without my knowing. I don't know what in our relationship is ours and what is just an extension of what they had. It hurts a lot! I'm concerned that his obsession with her is to the point of an emotional affair and it is hurting our relationship tremendously. Our counselors agree that is is destructive to our marriage and he should work on new ways of dealing with triggers. He feels going to reminders of his friend is the only way and is concerned even after counseling and EMDR that he will always have to go to her. I'm not sure if this is the case or if he just doesn't want to give the obsession up? I'm not sure if his feeling for her are still romantic as he has hidden some things like this from me before. Is this a part of PTSD? Can anyone relate or can give feedback from a PTSD point of view? What helps you when you are triggered? Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

 

[Muted]

Our counselors agree that is is destructive to our marriage and he should work on new ways of dealing with triggers.

Have you had a session with both of your counselors?

Maybe I'm not understanding something. I don't understand what this has to do with his PTSD?

 

[BKT]

Have you had a session with both of your counselors?

Maybe I'm not understanding something. I don't...

Thanks Gia1019, Yes, we have had one so far with each of our counselors on the subject. It relates to PTSD in that my husband told me he read somewhere that thinking about the "good times" during the trauma period and not just the "bad stuff" can help with recovery. Every time he is triggered he will try to relive things they did together or do things that remind him of her. He says after he does this he feels better. The problem is that he is obsessed with her to the point it is tarring us apart. I'm trying to get down to the bottom of whether it really is necessary for him to go to this for his PTSD or if it is more closely related to an emotional affair? I want to be understanding with him if it is related to PTSD so that is why I'm wondering if others have had similar experiences.

 

[Muted]

May I ask what his PTSD from?

He must have tremendous mind control to switch pictures like that following triggers and flashbacks.

 

[BKT]

May I ask what his PTSD from?

He must have tremendous mind control to switch pictures like that follo...

Well, I think he also goes to reminders of her before it happens to help prevent the attack or at least lessen the frequency.

 

[Muted]

I'm sorry for my bluntness, but that sounds like a bunch of bs to me. Based on the information I have, it sounds like he's using this 'relationship' with someone else as an excuse for a PTSD coping strategy. Whether is all in his head as a fantasy or it's frequent contact with her, it isn't fair to you. Please take care of you, you deserve loyalty and if he can't be loyal to you then he isn't worth your time.

 

[BKT]

I'm sorry for my bluntness, but that sounds like a bunch of bs to me. Based on the information I have,...

Thanks, I appreciate your input! I had some suspicions but want to get as much info as I can from people who live with it. Thank you!

 

[JustKeepSwimming]

I have a similar situation. My husband always had a "friend " that he said he needed more when he was triggered because she understood him. He said they shared similar stories and knew how the other one felt, where as I couldn't relate. I felt selfish telling him she was ruining our relationship and our family as they were always chatting or messaging. It was to the point i told him i felt like there were 3 of us in this relationship. He made me feel bad like I was taking away the only person that helped him in his darkness times. So i let this friendship continue even though it meant more time with her meant less time with us. I started to become curious and found their so called friendship had turned to something much more. It broke ny heart. Letting them stay friends, doing everything so he could heal when all this time they were making thier friendship into something much more right in front of my face. Even talking bad about me like i was the 3rd wheel and not part of their relationship. They were saying they loved each other and couldn't wait to be together. Broke me. I always knew putting that much attention and energy into one person was dangerous. I would beware. I said i was leaving and he has called it off with her. But i don't know if that's a lie too. Please be careful. Don't let your husband confuse reality with fantasy. There isn't much between thought and action and once those lines are crossed they can never be take back. I hope all is well. Please keep me updated.

My husband has PTSD. When he is triggered by his traumatic event he goes to reminders of a girl that was his best friend...

 

[JustKeepSwimming]

I'm sorry for my bluntness, but that sounds like a bunch of bs to me. Based on the information I have,...

Agreed. My husband done the same to me and used the sane excuse all the while making plans on being with this other women. Felt like a fool making me think i was being paranoid and blowing things out of proportion. Call him our on his bad behaviour. I did when it was too late. Wish i trusted my gut sooner. Hope it isn't what i assume it is.

 

[BKT]

I have a similar situation. My husband always had a "friend " that he said he needed more when...

. Justkeepswimming, thank you so much! I relate exactly to what you are saying. My gut has been telling me his obsession is wrong. There has to be another way for him to treat his PTSD although he says I just don't understand it and am overly jealous. Thank you for your story! I'm so sorry that happened to you!!! You will be in my thoughts and prayers!

 

[anthony]

The problem is it feels like there is another woman in our marriage.

Ummm... there is.

I'm concerned that his obsession with her is to the point of an emotional affair and it is hurting our relationship tremendously.

I think your fear is extremely rational and valid.

He feels going to reminders of his friend is the only way and is concerned even after counseling and EMDR that he will always have to go to her.

I think your husband wants to be with this other woman, to be honest. She may not want him, but he wants to be with her. I'm sorry, but us men do not do such things unless we want that woman to be our partner.

I call bullshit on his entire act for this. Nothing of what he says to you makes sense about how to deal with a trigger. In fact, returning to past anything can just keep a perpetual reoccurrence happening. Its an excuse, to be honest.

He is making excuses to be with her. I think you need to step-up your action with him. He has to make a choice.

 

[BKT]

Ummm... there is.

I think your fear is extremely rational and valid.

I think your husband wants to be wit...

Wow! Thank you so much Anthony! He says I just don't understand PTSD but hearing from you guys is really confirming my suspicions! I always thought that reliving and dwelling on that time was just keeping him stuck in it. I could never see how that could be beneficial? I appreciate your input so much Anthony!