Childhood Could past abuse be affecting my sexuality?

[Lapis Lazul]

I have never been diagnosed with PTSD, but I have suffered from what I consider is largely self-inflicted abuse as a child. I must've been younger than five when I started experimenting with my older sister. I always initiated it from the pieces I recall. I involved one other child, something I wish I could apologize for. I stopped playing inappropriately with my sister before I turned 10, she was just a couple years older. We both knew it was wrong and we kept it secret forever. We've never acknowledged or talked about and we have an awesome relationship now. She's my best friend and I won't ruin that by ever mentioning a word of this to her. I just hope she's repressed it all. I have suspicions I was molested as a child and a strong reason to. But I don't even know if the way I feel now and the things I did when I was a child is because of some repressed memory, or if I was just born a pervert. I tell myself these things happen among siblings and other kids when they're left alone, but it still makes me feels far from normal. Either way, my sexuality and all around feeling of safety has been messed up because of the reasons I suspect I was abused by an adult man.

I see people talk about turning a negative experience into a positive one...how on earth do i even go about that? Probably only something a therapist could answer, but for some reason I want to share the fact that I might've endured abuse with my boyfriend. He's the closest person to me, the one I trust the most. I want him to better understand why I am the way I am, why I am always so stressed, why I've suffered from severe anxiety and self-loathing for as long as I can remember. If anyone has any recommendations for this conversation I (might) want to have with him I'd appreciate it. How could I even bring it up. Or is it a bad idea all around? I'm just so shameful of my sexuality and maybe sharing part of my struggles with the person I share that part of my life with will help? Has anyone else gone through this? I don't want him to think of me differently or treat me in any other type of ways. I don't even know what I want the outcome to be or what my original question was in the first place, but sharing this feels as close to relief as I can get as I'll never know if anything did happen to me for certain.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't think it's a matter of turning a negative experience into a positive one, especially when it comes to childhood sexual abuse. It's about processing the trauma to the point where it no longer rules over us or affects our lives (so much).

 

[Journeyman]

I have never been diagnosed with PTSD, but I have suffered from what I consider is largely self-inf...

I was just curious; if you did share it with your boyfriend, what would you ideally want to gain?

 

[Deanna]

I would say you need to talk with your sister about it.

We've never acknowledged or talked about and we have an awesome relationship now. She's my best friend and I won't ruin that by ever mentioning a word of this to her.

If she's your best friend, and you can talk it. You still have lot of guilt.

 

[EveHarrington]

I would say you need to talk with your sister about it.



If she's your best friend, and you can...

I disagree.

If she has repressed those memories, dredging them up again could send her into a really bad place.

Process stuff on your own. Do not drag her into it. (You'd feel really bad if you spun her off into PTSD-hell.)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I tell myself these things happen among siblings and other kids when they're left alone, but it still makes me feels far from normal.

Child exploration is normal. I do not know if that is what you did as you aren't describing it. There is a point where it is no longer exploration and now reenactments of prior or current abuse. I did that with my 4 yr old nephew and male dog when I was 7 and I also did that to a 4 month old baby boy when I was 14. The 14 yr old one is the one that had the most guilt, shame, and self hatred and rage associsated with it cause "I knew better" but, from being on this site plus time in therapy I understand now that no, I really didn't know better. It was still all I knew at the time.

So, child on child abuse does happen and normally it is due to a previous or current abuse that happened to the agressor child. Courts and the laws are also setup in a way to recongize this as well.

I see people talk about turning a negative experience into a positive one...how on earth do i even go about that?

You don't. You make it not so life affecting anymore. And you do that various ways during Trauma processing. Do you have a therapist?

but for some reason I want to share the fact that I might've endured abuse with my boyfriend. He's the closest person to me, the one I trust the most. I want him to better understand why I am the way I am, why I am always so stressed, why I've suffered from severe anxiety and self-loathing for as long as I can remember.

Please be careful with this. "Lay people" cannot replace a therapist no matter how well they know you. I made this mistake over and over and over again. Well over 100 times trying to find "the person" that would "get me" and help me get me. It so happened that "that person" wasn't the 100+ previous lay people but a therapist. Non-therapists do not have the training as therapists. I maybe wrong and please correct me if I am but it sounds like you are wanting your boyfriend to help you figure out why you have all these issues or at least confirm its due to abuse. Is that correct? If so, there is nothing wrong with telling your boyfriend but do so for information to give him/help him understand relationship issues you have etc. Don't seek therapy-like answers outside of therapy. It went way bad for me for many years doing that. Just my experience though.

If anyone has any recommendations for this conversation I (might) want to have with him I'd appreciate it. How could I even bring it up.

There's no right or wrong way to bring these things up. Sometimes they can come up in conversations but, also my experience, you just need to come out with it. Eyes closed, head turned, and face burried in pillows (all at once) if needed. I advised my therapist I needed to tell him something but couldn't so he had me write it down and we passed notes for a bit. I couldn't speak of it but I could write small bits of it down and so since that's all I could do at the time, then that's what we did. But there is no right or wrong way to bring this stuff up.

 

[Kintsugi]

I disagree.

I disagree with Eve. If you do bring it up, know that it is a selfish act. That's not inherently bad. It just is. You're allowed to address what you lived through if you feel compelled and prepared for the potential fallout. It's not your job to protect others. Just know it could change everything.

 

[fattyZ]

Yes this is what happened to me also. It's amazing that you put so much of it together yourself. I was sexually active from my earliest memories. I always thought I was bad and a born perv. Yes it affected my sexuality, it affected everything. I have been in trauma therapy for five years. I'm happy to tell you my experience in the hope you could benefit but I can't do it in public yet. I am so impressed that you were able to write it all out like that in a public forum. I couldn't even talk about any of this until I was in my forties. Anyway I would give you my email or whatever but I don't know if you can private message on this board or if you have to be a premium member for that. Thanks so much for your post. There are so many of us walking around like that. You just know there is something wrong but you can't really put your finger on it. Things are not how they seem. I would say you are most likely correct in your assumption that someone did something to you and you don't remember.

 

[Suzetig]

Anyway I would give you my email or whatever but I don't know if you can private message on this board or if you have to be a premium member for that.

You can private message as a member of the site but you need to join. I'd take this opportunity to remind everyone that the internet - including this forum - isn't a safe place, people aren't necessarily who they say they are and we each red to take care to protect our identity.

The forum is a good place for peer support but we should all take care online.

 

[Mach123]

I am a member. How do you do it? Private message I mean. I also want to say your warning is appropriate. I am perfectly safe though of course I have no way to prove that. It's just that I really want to talk about the subject in the thread but I can't do it the way it was done in the thread. I apologize for that. It's really hard as I'm sure you know. Thank you though and it is good to know you are taking care of us.

 

[Mach123]

Ok I see how to do it I was reading the board and not logged in. I can see how to "start a conversation" which I guess is the same as pm. Anyway thank you so much again!

 

[Klo]

We both knew it was wrong and we kept it secret forever.

This is the biggest indicating factor in my perception. Children who are just exploring with each other do not feel that what they are doing is wrong and needs to be kept a secret. For example kids who play doctor because they realize people's bodies look different under their clothes, and they are curious about it. If a child feels ashamed and feels like something is wrong, it means that someone taught them to feel that way about it. Which in this case would mean that someone taught the child about sexual things and also made the child feel ashamed. Children are not "born perverts." Nor were you a pervert. What happens in a situation like that, is that children often feel a compulsion to normalize traumatic experiences, in order to cope, and so they act out those experiences. Yet if the child was also made to feel ashamed, then it also becomes a big and heavy secret that the child carries around with them.

I really strongly agree with others here, as far as talking to a therapist first, before talking to people in your persona life, about this topic. Your post reminds me of myself a little bit in some ways. Like you are in a mode of being calm, analytical, figuring things out and then proceeding to try to decide how to handle the situation (such as with your boyfriend). But underneath all of that, there is very likely a very traumatized part of your mind that can be very emotionally intense and fragile. Allowing a therapist to be the one who sees that part of your mind first is generally best. A good therapist won't freak out, shame you, take advantage, run away, etc. That severe anxiety you mentioned, if you can imagine it being about a thousand times worse.. that can happen. So it can be a really good idea to have a reliable and trustworthy therapist there who you know will understand and make sure you are safe.