What does it take to be a sexual abuser?

[PointlessExistence]

And I have no special respect or admiration for pedophiles who don't rape.

No one is a "pedophile" unless he/she acts out. I find your view not only unfair, but dangerous as well.

Labeling people by what they think rather than what they do will only send them in a downward spiral. That's not good for anybody. No one can control what they think and what they feel, which is especially poignant when it's often someone's own childhood abuse that put those thoughts and feelings in him to begin with.

A man can fantasize all day long about pedophilia, and that still wouldn't make him a pedophile. Who are we to judge someone by his thoughts. There is no thought-police as far as I know.

Dismissing such people as pedophiles or deviants or perverts will only massively increase the risk of him actually offending. If he feels like he's a terrible person and that the world hates him for fantasizing about pedophilia, self-hatred and despair can easily lead to him becoming a true pedophile.

I'd rather try to keep the next generation safe than perpetuate the hate with my self-righteousness.

 

[ladee]

@PointlessExistence , while I agree with the intention you are sharing, it is not true that we can't control our thoughts and actions... too many in this forum that prove that to not be true.... one of the first things we try to learn in our healing journey is how to reroute our thinking and then therefor our actions follow....

I am glad to know that people who are fighting this urge have you to turn to... you not only help them, but keep others safe. We have not experienced your up close and personal relationships with people who fight the urge.... we only know of those who acted on it...

Society judges us with PTSD, every single day, and we beat the odds every single day... because we learn to think for our self and not worry about what others think.... and also to learn that what others think of us, has no power in our decision making...

So, while these people are fighting the urges... hooray for them... one less person ends up here because of him, or her. But to give them a pass because they are judged... sorry, this is real life... and we don't know who we run across every day who might be 'fighting the urges', how would we know that unless they told us... so if they overhear something said, it's still their responsibility to continue to do no harm...just as it is our responsibility to move forward with our lives... fighting pain others do not acknowledge much less understand...

I don't think anyone here will apologize for their abuse or abuser.... we are the other end of that spectrum.... and I hope you continue to do good work with potential abusers... we really don't have the inclination to understand them, as we are fighting for our lives every day.... and some of us actually work toward forgiveness, so, please don't paint us with a broad brush either.... anyone who hurts another human being does not get a free pass... regardless.

 

[PointlessExistence]

@PointlessExistence
Society judges us with PTSD, every single day, and we beat the odds every single day...

And if we act out, who do we hurt? Ourselves? Our families collaterally? And what about those with pedophiliac desires? Who do they hurt if they act out? With them there are direct victims. That's why they need to be treated with kid gloves unless and until they act out.

@PointlessExistence So, while these people are fighting the urges... hooray for them... one less person ends up here because of him, or her.

Though your use of "hooray" is sarcastic, I'll say hooray anytime someone resists his urge to violate and everytime one less person ends up here. You made my point for me.

@PointlessExistence But to give them a pass because they are judged...

Don't judge someone by what is going on in his head. Judge him by what he's doing. Everyone deserves that.

@PointlessExistence .... anyone who hurts another human being does not get a free pass... regardless.

I agree, and I never said otherwise. It seems your black-and-white view on abuse and abusers has obscured my entire point. Those who victimize are pedophiles and deserve to be treated accordingly.

 

[ladee]

If it that important for you to be right, then you are right... I will say, your views will not be widely received with out contradictions.. as i said, I am glad you are there for them. everyone needs someone...You are very passionate about your stance... That is a good thing... Agreeing to disagree on this end.

 

[Teasel]

Maybe what you are feeling is empathy for a life gone wrong

I don't think it is empathy.

I just checked the definition of pity and I've chosen the wrong word.

What I'm thinking of does not include compassion and caring.

 

[ladee]

Let us know when you get it... I hate having something going on and it's important to me, and I just can't find the words to fit my feelings... will be interesting to see what it is you are feeling...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Power. It seems that abuse of all kinds is about power. Rape is. Domestic violence is. So poweris my answer.

As to what is "wrong with them"....chemical inbalance stuff, I am not going there. A chemical inbalance DID NOT make my mom & step dad cult leaders and do what they did! It just didnt.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Bearlinda I think that you are starting down a slippery slope if you feel compassion for the abuser!!!!!!!!! Seriously, where is the compassion for YOU?!?!?!? ? No way in hell do I feel compassion for my abusers. They are the ones that MADE the choice to do what they did. It's all on THEM!!!!!!!

One of my best friends for over 30 yrs was sexually abused by her f*cking father for yrs. It always made me sick to my stomach that she LOVED this man till the day he died. When I saw his obit, I was glad. She still mourns his death and refuses to speak to one of her sisters because in her mind, her sister KILLED her father. Even though he had lung and heart issues!!!!!

Give yourself that compassion instead of wasting it on the scourge of the earth. IMO!!!!

 

[desiderata310]

I'm wondering what it takes to make someone capable of doing this?
I know it's not being a monster - some sort of freak abnormal human bring. Because abuse is so prevalent.

I remember posing this question to my therapist at one point. He did a stint 'counseling' men in the men's colony and talked to his fair share of pedophiles.

What I got out of it, (and this is hard for me to kind of parse out because I have this shitty tendency to dissociate and forget shit when it becomes a bit too much) was that essentially these folks don't believe what they are doing is wrong. They have objectified the child and these are usually people who are also sociopaths. And I don't mean someone who just thinks a lot of themselves and likes making life generally miserable. No, think far beyond the 'garden variety' sociopath (remember, everything on a spectrum). These men didn't f*cking care. They were more upset about being in prison and not sorry for what they had done to someone else. They didn't see it as wrong. :bored:

Were there some there who were abused? Yeah. That was prevalent. But, as my therapist explained, that doesn't EXCUSE their behavior. How many people here have been abused and not become abusers themselves?

None of that is especially helpful to me, personally. It actually set me off for a bit thinking that these people got to live the rest of their lives going to therapy and supported by the state.
It was explained to me that they don't actually GET therapy (he only saw them long enough to diagnose so that meds could be assigned) and that after they serve their time, they are often transferred to mental institutions.
Again, cold comfort.

I'm not sure if that helps but that's what I got from someone who dealt with these folks.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Are you confused because you can't wrap your brain around WHY a person is capable of doing this to another human being?????

 

[PointlessExistence]

If it that important for you to be right, then you are right...

Agreeing to disagree yet making a flippant remark ^^. That's pretty immature. Plus, I could've just easily said the same thing to you. smh

 

[joeylittle]

My therapist told me that they have a chemical imbalance in the brain. That no children should be left alone with them, ever.

As to what is "wrong with them"....chemical inbalance stuff, I am not going there. A chemical inbalance DID NOT make my mom & step dad cult leaders and do what they did! It just didnt.

"Chemical Imbalance" is an unfortunately outdated catch-all phrase. Most of the time it's being used as a placeholder for a range of things that are not fully understood yet, but have lots of sets of data.

There are studies indicating that it's possible there's connection between various mechanisms in the brain (receptors, neurotransmitter levels, developmental aberrations) and various kinds of behavior.

It's a bit chicken and egg, in that we know that how the brain is used affects how it develops; both substances and experiences can adversely affect its functionality; and, there is some genetic component that may or may not have influence as well.

So: it's not known whether or not something is inherently different in the neurological makeup of individuals who evolve into potential predators. And, there are different paths between those with the potential to act on destructive urges, and those who do act on those urges.

This is all before we take into account how environment and experience affects development.

Not all abusers were abused.

Not all predators were 'born that way'.

The one thing I can usually hold onto is that committing a conscious act of cruelty - one where the perpetrator knows that they are choosing to hurt someone for their own gratification - that individual is committing an atrocity. Full stop.

99% of us can manage our actions and thoughts. If we don't know how to do it automatically, we can be taught. A very very small percentage are nearly medically incapable of doing so.

What does it take to be a sexual abuser?

The choice. The choice to act on the urge. That's it. Proactive (I want to violate) or reactive (I can't stop myself) - both are choice.