Sexual Assault Rapist/sexual abuser making noise?

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

When struggling to sleep, or not focussed enough, trauma related thoughts get on the mind. Sometimes it’s little more than background noise; this past week or two it’s rape. Difficult details but unsure why they feel like that. Feels bad. Wears me down, especially today.

Specifically sexual sounds he made while raping me. Is this common? It makes me feel stupid, I don’t know why. Too much of it on my mind, had to discuss it here. Hurting me, expressing pleasure. I wasn’t at full capacity, but it was still forceful, with struggle, at least in part. Angry and violent, but still deriving pleasure.

Tough stuff. I understand it better in the context of coercive/non-violent assault, with a partner. It’s “*supposed*” to be “normal sex”, so I can rationalise it. It doesn’t hurt me as much like that. I feel equally… yucky, and my stomach turns. But it doesn’t hurt as bad anymore, in comparison.

Anger and pleasure “don’t go” together, it feels like it’s torturing me, tormenting me. Like he did it just to make me sick.

I can hear it.
Anything, or shared experience appreciated.

 

[Rose White]

Sorry you’re dealing with that. Yes I hear noises and smell odors sometimes that put me right back in it. Falling asleep is a time my brain plays that game sometimes. For me I try to distract with very loud music and coloring if it’s in the day.

Grounding and distracting… ice on neck, do the thing where you find letters and numbera and colors and shapes in Your environment etc.

 

[shimmerz]

I know these are just words, and your feelings go very deep given such a horrible experience you had. Thing is, anger and pleasure many times goes together for these types. Know why you can't figure out how that can happen? Because you aren't sick like he is. You don't need to get pleasure out of someone else's pain. Try if you can to assign this to the proper person. He is a sick and twisted f*ck and you aren't.

Do you have ways of soothing yourself when they sounds come out to you? A heating pad? Warm water? Curling up with a weighted blanket? Do you have other tools that help you feel comforted?

Sending you strength if you will accept.

 

[arfie]

it is par for me with all of my senses. for audio, it is like an advertising jingle from hell that i can't get out of my head. for visual, it is like a presence in my periphery. olfactory is like wearing a filthy bandage under my nose. touch is like a constant need to shower the filth off. when i fight it, it is like a never-ending war inside my skin. "torture" does not quite cover the extent of ^it^.

i, also, use grounding techniques to counter the effect while leaning ever so gently into the memories attached. once i have achieved the ability to stay calm when reminded, the healing is underway.

anger and pleasure are not a healthy mix, but it seems to me that they mix with distressing regularity.

 

[Movingforward10]

I don’t remember noises, but the one that gets into my head similar to what you describe is the one where he seemed to love what he did and seemed to think we had a special bond because of what he did. wonder if it something about the two things being put together that make it a total head f*ck. You knew it was terror and he was enjoying. Total mindf*ck.
it gets easier though. When you put it all onto him. It’ his thing to figure out. Not yours. He’s a sadist rapist. It’s his shame, his confusion.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

He is a sick and twisted f*ck and you aren't.

I’ve known he’s a sadist. Hurts me the most that I had to be forced to reckon with it so obviously. I know he was just there for his fix… and got angry because I was in the way. I think sexual violence is often out of sadism, people don’t like to admit a sexual motive for perps, but it’s definitely common. The denial that many sexually assault others merely out of lack of caring at all how they achieve a desire is frustrating to me, endlessly. Topic for another day, though. The explicit clarity might have been part of a fantasy, who knows. Who cares… would explain the unnecessary crulety/violence, though. (He bit me).
Thank you for your kind words. I’m still learning how best to look after myself, and apply what I know works. Music often works.

touch is like a constant need to shower the filth off. when i fight it, it is like a never-ending war inside my skin.

I used to get vivid sensations, on the skin. Also in response to seeing things. We learnt that fighting makes it all fight back… Grounding really is an important skill to learn. I’m learning to apply it, but mostly to dissociation. Applying it to everything else comes less naturally, for some reason. “Just sit there and take it ‘til it’s over” attitude. Eerily. I’ll get there, though. I know how to self-soothe, but I only seem to remember to do it in certain contexts. Otherwise it’s just… ride out the storm, vent about it, exhaustion, sleep. If crying is involved.
I’m starting to learn what gets me out of the red and how to apply it, though.

wonder if it something about the two things being put together that make it a total head f*ck. You knew it was terror and he was enjoying. Total mindf*ck.
it gets easier though. When you put it all onto him. It’ his thing to figure out. Not yours. He’s a sadist rapist. It’s his shame, his confusion.

I’d say so. I can’t stand contrasts like that, together. It’s so frightening to me. The worst kind of horror, and a total whisk to the brain. But you’re right; It’s not my thing to hold. The shame gets on my hands without even noticing.
I think I also tend to “neglect” this aspect of my trauma, since it was so brief compared to my abuse. I tend to put it as a footnote, and then get surprised when it leaps out to eat away at me, and leads to me acting out and causing a mental re-living, because it’s being minimised instead of dealt with…

 

[Rose White]

I think sexual violence is often out of sadism, people don’t like to admit a sexual motive for perps, but it’s definitely common. The denial that many sexually assault others merely out of lack of caring at all how they achieve a desire is frustrating to me,

This is important and difficult for me to wrap my mind around. The narrative of “lack of care” might be easier for the ego or psyche to accept vs sadism. Like for me thinking the perp was intellectually disabled or did it accidentally was a similar story I held onto for a long time.

I think my T tried to gently suggest the sadism angle when I wasn’t paying too much attention but she never pushed it.

 

[arfie]

Grounding really is an important skill to learn. I’m learning to apply it, but mostly to dissociation. Applying it to everything else comes less naturally, for some reason.

when a baby learns something as natural as walking, it takes more than a single effort to learn that immensely natural skill. i am a great fan of lifelong learning. learn well, my earnest one. be gentle with yourself and patient with the process. take time to celebrate the progress.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

but the one that gets into my head similar to what you describe is the one where he seemed to love what he did and seemed to think we had a special bond because of what he did

I think this is often another tactic to keep their victims confused and quiet. Frame it as something serious, and your fear is amplified, reinforced; frame it as something good, and your fear is… hm. Still equally strong, but now maybe it’s your fault? The blame gets flipped onto you, because clearly this is “supposed” to be a good time. So says the head of the situation. It’s special!
Kids are especially susceptible to the “ruining the fun for everyone else” type of guilt. But even I, abused as an adult, get caught by it, blaming myself for the shame and suffering because I wasn’t into it. Knowing much better the extent of the violation I was undergoing than a child. But because it was confusing, frightening, and I was socially inferior, I did the human thing of looking to someone else to see how I “should” feel. And then the confusing spaghetti of feelings starts all over again, despite the extremely not wanting what was happening to me, to the point of sickness.

The dichotomy breeds doubt, “this is horrible, bad, wrong, but… should it be?” It turns you into the outlier.
And it’s harder to tell on someone who you feel is only trying to be nice, or whatever variation of their perspective being different… whose fault is it again?

 

[iceberg13]

When struggling to sleep, or not focussed enough, trauma related thoughts get on the mind. Sometimes it’s little more than background noise; this past week or two it’s rape. Difficult details but unsure why they feel like that. Feels bad. Wears me down, especially today.

Specifically sexual sounds he made while raping me. Is this common? It makes me feel stupid, I don’t know why. Too much of it on my mind, had to discuss it here. Hurting me, expressing pleasure. I wasn’t at full capacity, but it was still forceful, with struggle, at least in part. Angry and violent, but still deriving pleasure.

Tough stuff. I understand it better in the context of coercive/non-violent assault, with a partner. It’s “*supposed*” to be “normal sex”, so I can rationalise it. It doesn’t hurt me as much like that. I feel equally… yucky, and my stomach turns. But it doesn’t hurt as bad anymore, in comparison.

Anger and pleasure “don’t go” together, it feels like it’s torturing me, tormenting me. Like he did it just to make me sick.

I can hear it.
Anything, or shared experience appreciated.

I listen to Jason Stephenson on YouTube. He has meditations that help when the TV won't drown it out and the quiet is painfully too quiet.

 

[Roland]

Yes, during flashbacks I sometimes only "hear" various things said, or sounds, or I "see" various things/people/actions with sound or no sound. The mind is a strange thing. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

 

[Dave Ryan]

In my case he was (thank God) pretty much silent apart from the heavy breathing. When my mind decides to torture me by revisiting it, the thoughts that disturb me most relate to the way I was forced to cooperate. It's crazy - he had a knife so I had little choice - but I still get a surge of self-loathing at the the memory of having to do most of the work. I keep imagining what it would have looked like if someone had seen me there on my knees servicing him - would they have thought for a even second that they were witnessing a rape?