What does it take to be a sexual abuser?

[PointlessExistence]

What does it take to be a sexual abuser?

The choice. The choice to act on the urge. That's it. Proactive (I want to violate) or reactive (I can't stop myself) - both are choice.

That's it right there. Acting on the urge.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I struggle with the abuser being "black out drunk." He honestly didn't seem drunk at all. So, is he a natural born rapist or did alcohol turn him into a rapist? Is it not his fault because he says he didn't remember it? He proved later on that he is a bad person, but he also had plenty of friends, both male and female and is now married with kids.

 

[PointlessExistence]

I never believe anyone who claims to have blacked out. It's the oldest lie in the book. It's the coward's way of trying to deflect blame. I say put him under sodium pentothal and then see what he remembers.

 

[joeylittle]

did alcohol turn him into a rapist?

Alcohol lowers inhibitions and diminishes impulse control. But that's not the same as alcohol being the cause. I would argue that the urge was already present, in some way.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My therapist had me, at one point, digging at my mom and her past and just what I know of it. Which isn't much. But, being a "good christian wife and mother" and then doing a full turn to cult leader didn't make sense to him. Or me really. It was "I dunno, she just did". Basically.

But, if I look at it a bit closer there are "signs" or things, I guess, that makes that turn less of a dramatic sharp one. She was the 2nd youngest of 14 kids. Her dad an alcoholic and physical abuser. Not sure about sexual but my therapist thinks that some sexual abuse may very well be there. Her mom tried to drown herself in a bucket of water (sound familar?) and my mom had to have her involuntarly committed when she was 16. Unsure why a suicide attempt nor why that method of all methods out there was choson so possible mental illness but not sure. That was in the 60s. My mom married my 30 yr old father when she was 17. Likely running from what was at home and much older man. If there was sexual abuse, that would be common. I like older men as well and always have. She wasn't raised a christian but followed my pastor's son father into fundlemental christianity. Then, when she met my step father, then lover, she followed him into his religon.

It being seen that way makes that turn less dramatic and sharp. To me it does anyway, as it does to my therapist. She could have had some mental disorder that was undiagnosed. No one will ever know now but its possible. And, I suppose there could have been a chemical inbalance but I agree with @joeylittle, that is a catch all and I also have a negitive reaction to that as I almost feel like that's excusing it. It may not be but thats just how that makes me feel.

 

[Friday]

Sexual violence is one of those things that's so prevalent it's been studied a LOT. To the point that not only are there several pretty solid types & categories, but one can generally profile within them pretty accurately. (As to what their motivation is, what kind of attack they'll use, what resisting causes, what their behavior tends to be before during after the attack, etc.) <<< There are ALWAYS outliers. Statistics are not certainty.

One of the other things to know when reading the academic/scientific? There's almost always a "methods of avoidance" category. This is NOT a "how to avoid". This is an after action report of what usually happens when people do ABC or XYZ. For example? People often mistake the fact that most PowerReassurance rapists will stop & run away if you fight back, as "proof" that one "should have" fought more. Nope! That's only half the story. Yes, most Power-Reassurance rapists will stop... But they're also the group most known for coming back and stalking and repeated attempted rapes on victims who got away or scared them, until they get the reassurance they need/want. Secondly? Fighting back can also cause them to switch into anger. AKA they profile as a Power Reassurance Rapist with docile victims, but an Anger Excitation rapist with those who fight. Pop-Mags like to take half that data & run with "how to avoid rape" :rolleyes: Just a heads up not to fall into that trap.

Rapist Types and Methods of Avoidance

^^^
Some basic reading for people on the 4 *main* types of rapists.

* There are other types. But these are the most common amongst criminal rape (as opposite to institutionalized rape, and a few others).

ETA

:roflmao: Okay, I'm really glad I added the caveat about avoidance, because the summary page nicknamed itself just that! :facepalm: Just to underscore, the methods of avoidance = what usually happens when. Not a How-To manual.

 

[talon]

I know I could not molest or rape a child or adult.

I'm wondering what it takes to make someone cap...

I supported someone who was abused from birth and developed DID which used to be called multiple personality disorder . This person had 20 inner people of different ages and gender . Despite being abused she abused others in seeking revenge for her own abuse . This empowered her because she could not get revenge on her real abusers family who rejected her as a baby.

 

[joeylittle]

This empowered her because she could not get revenge on her real abusers family who rejected her as a baby.

I understand the concept, but believe it is a mistake to view such behavior as empowering. It is only a form of avoidance or dysregulation. Seeking revenge on others for the wrongs one suffers is easy. Confronting the trauma and having discipline around ones treatment of others, that's much more difficult.

 

[littleoc]

This morning I found myself feeling pity for the men who abused me. Some of them at least.

I completely understand this.

My father I felt pity for because something happened to him, and it's obvious. His mom is insane, and he never managed to become more developed than a third grader. His speech patterns and writing are a third grade level.

Yet, he's also a complete and utter psychopath who treated his children like a psychopathic child treats insects. Like experiments.

For the record, I love insects. Doesn't need to mean I'm okay with being treated like one.

Anyway... it's easy to just accept that he feels no empathy and is a monster. I feel bad for him that he's so stunted and can't function, but I now realize that I can't help him and he's going to have to get help of his own.

Meanwhile, the pedophile I knew for years... not so much. Much more confusing, and so difficult for me to talk about that he's not really made it into my trauma diary all that much yet.

But he was empathetic. He wasn't a psycho. He did bad things... physical, sexual, emotional, mental...

But I was able to use empathy to get him to let me go. I asked him if he was okay, and he broke down and admitted these horrible guilty feelings he was having, and remembered I was a human CHILD and tried to reason with me anyway. Tried to see if I loved him as much as he hoped I did.

Wouldn't refer to it as r**e though. It haunts me, that confusing feeling of knowing he felt horrible.

Which I am reminding myself currently he should feel bad for.

I ended up looking into this obsessively as an adult, trying to figure this out. I've found that being a pedophile is a mental health problem -- a problem, unlike being homosexual, because the other party becomes traumatized and can't properly concent.

I have so many lingering questions still of if, when it was normalized in Ancient Athens, the boys were still traumatized, or if having no shame diminished it. I have found that it made the boys vulnerable -- some's entire futures could be sabotaged if the lover (the adult man) wanted to just have sex instead of show true love, therefore compromising then beloved's (the boy's) education and dooming him. The adult man in this context was looked down on tremendously.

Long story, that one.


Anyway, there have been huge articles on a certain type of brain tumor who's major symptom was developing pedophilia. There are arguements that this is and isn't a thing, because we are still figuring out the structure of the brain (human and otherwise). However, one case at least has been confirmed.

Part of the problem is that pedophiles in their right mind know it is wrong. With support, supposedly they get on with their lives without hurting anyone. But never would they dare to tell a therapist -- the consequences are (understandably) dire.

There are support groups in hidden forums out there... I never asked to see one from the admins of those. Seemed like a bad idea for me. Also, most certainly not my scene. But the point is to help people accept that they are ill and that they can still be good people. Hurt no one.

I doubt literally any statistic on how many pedophiles hurt people or don't would be reliable. Also, since pedophilia is usually exposed in criminal offenses...

But yeah, I'm sure it's a hard life. I think my pedo really did want to think we were in love. And he wasn't hurting me. I don't know, though. I couldn't see inside his head.

And he had to know that I didn't want it. Logically, why would I?

It's a very confusing topic for me. It makes me wonder why it was so traumatic... was it the shame?




Thanks for having a post where stuff like this can be vented. It's so confusing. But still very, very wrong.

 

[Mee]

I would say the common theme was self interest. Utter self interest.

liars too.

Peopkrxtalked about rape being a crime about power and control. I’m just not sure. To me it has felt like greed and selfishness. Sexual want and utter self interest. The inability to empathise.

Yet the want to have others empathy: how often afterwards is the victim depicted as crazy or wrong or seeking drama or vengeful?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Peopkrxtalked about rape being a crime about power and control. I’m just not sure. To me it has felt like greed and selfishness. Sexual want and utter self interest. The inability to empathise.

My trauma, all of it, was about power. To have complete power over me.

I think it can be about all of that. Power, control, sexual self intrest, and inability to empathize all at the same time.

 

[Mee]

My trauma, all of it, was about power. To have complete power over me.

I think it can be ab...

Yeah. I think it can be about different things