He doesn't get it

[Supervixn]

I just moved in with my boyfriend, completely moved to another state with child, and things have been rocky. Things seem to always be rocky with everyone so obviously the problem is me and everything that goes with this.

Anyway. I'll save all the unimportant details, but we had last night what started as a discussion and ended in an argument, where my boyfriend told me:
"I guess i thought you were someone else"
"You're the most anti social person ever"
"I really dont like you"
"You're crazy "
And because I am not the most outgoing person in the world, we were at a bbq previously where I said not a lot (as I typically do especially around people I dont know), and he said that me not being the one to make conversation was a "complete bitch move"... even though i made sure i complimented the food and said thank you.

He doesn't seem to understand me at all, and that this sort of thing makes you want to avoid people and social situations. He also implied I could be more like his brothers gf who is outgoing and what I consider to be fake and needy for approval (I didnt say that to him but honestly she tries too hard and it doesnt make her a bad person it just isnt who i am)

I've put all my money into moving out here. I don't know what else I can say or do. I've tried to explain that I am who I am and I feel like I shared more with him in getting to know him than with any other person in my entire life. I'm not sure how to feel besides bad about who I am. Advice?

 

[Sideways]

This move doesn't sound like it's worked out. The things he's said to you, even if they were in the heat of the moment, is there reason to put his behaviour down to a freakish one-off? If not, there's an immense amount of disrespect to you if he's said things like this.

Are you starting to look at alternative options for living arrangements? Do you have any support people that may be able to help out?

 

[EveHarrington]

How well did you know him before you moved?

Was it strictly a long distance relationship?

Had you spent prolonged periods of time with him?

 

[Casey_03]

Honestly, it sounds like this is the sort of thing that he should've brought up before you made the move. Very early on, actually. If you're not particularly social and he wants a social butterfly for a girlfriend, he really should've been able to make that clear earlier. I don't know how long you've been with him, but is it possible he's angry with you for some other reason and just looking for excuses to pick a fight? The other option is that the relationship just moved too quickly.

 

[anonymous]

Personally, if I were you, I would get the hell out of there, especially since you have a kid. Find a domestic violence place, they can help you. Think about it: you're in another state, with a kid, no support systems and out of money. The only person you know if this abusive guy and he's playing games with your mind. DO NOT let him have this power over you. Get the hell out!!!!!

 

[Supervixn]

It was long distance in the beginning, yes. We spent every weekend together and he drove 4+ hours every week and did a lot to help my child and I. He's normally quite sweet.

He's 99.99% of the time not been like this at all. I don't get it but I dont know how to explain the social thing or even I should have to explain myself. He doesn't have an abusive bone in his body. It just really hurt hearing that. I know thats how he really feels.

I don't know what I did, and I know I can be difficult but I reiterated the fact that I am who I am. As I have always said. He did apologize and said he didn't mean any of it but I'm not so sure. I mean everything I say and thats who I am. I don't feel the need to be fake with people because it might make them "feel better"... I'm not outwardly disrespectful toward anyone in his life Im just not jumping to socialize with them and I dont feel like I'm wrong for that. I dont owe anyone anything. I dont feel the need to fake with people or act like I want to be their best friend if I dont want to be. He really wants me to be best friends with his brothers girlfriend and shes fine but not my type to socialize with. It's nothing against her I just have a very different way of being.

I dont know. I have to thank everyone for their input so far, you're such caring helpful people I appreciate you

 

[EveHarrington]

Spending weekends together doesn't really give you an indication of what it's like to be with someone 24/7.

 

[Supervixn]

Spending weekends together doesn't really give you an indication of what it's like to be with som...

Very true!

 

[Sideways]

Ok, say he doesn't have an abusive bone in his body (I think people with experience of verbal abuse would perhaps suggest that, well, he has been abusive here...)

Is this what he's going to be like when he gets stressed, or angry, or upset, or irritated, or drunk, or whatever reason he's got for speaking to you like that? Because whatever the excuse, it doesn't make it ok. It wasn't ok to say something like that once, let alone to follow it up with similar comments over and over...

So, for all that he may be an angel 99.99% of the time, if he defaults to disrespecting on such a personal and hurtful level, where do you go with that? In setting an example for your child, what do you want to do here? Say, "If there's a good enough reason, it's ok for people to treat you like this...?"

Or do you say: I'm worth better. I require my partner to respect me, and treat me with basic human dignity...

The risk for you is obvious - if this happens once, it can happen again. And if he's like this in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, what's he going to be like when life does get really tough (which it does, in regular intervals, for most of us)?

But with a child to look after, who's learning about relationships and self-respect primarily from the example you set...maybe the answer is clearer? Sometimes people find that when they think of how it's going to impact their child, the decision kind of makes itself???

 

[Casey_03]

I may have a dissenting opinion here, but I don't find his comments abusive. They're definitely cruel and mean, but I don't read that and think, "Whoa, this guy is abusive." I guess it's hard to gauge because we don't really have the context of the argument -- just that there was an argument and it had something to do with the OP not being particularly social. To me, it sounds more like a guy lashing out because the relationship is not what he expected it to be (and yes, he's at fault if he allowed the relationship to get to this point without realizing BEFORE that he didn't like certain traits of the OP). But I do also wonder if part of his anger is guilt talking, because he knows he had the OP make the move and drastically change her life to be with him .... and now he's having second thoughts (at least that's how it reads to me) To be clear, I'm not defending him -- he's clearly being a jerk. But I don't think we can say he's abusive based on comments made in an argument about a single topic (as opposed to insults made in every aspect of her life, unrelated to perceived issues in the relationship). In this case, to me it reads like he ignored certain traits in the honeymoon phase and is now realizing he's not okay with them. And instead of handling it appropriately, he's being a dick and lashing out.

It is definitely a red flag that he'd be that mean so early on in the relationship, though. I'd say it could be a sign of forthcoming verbal abuse.

 

[Deleted member 42828]

Just do not worry about the way back and take more of your relationships. And time will help determine.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

That was a huge move to make based on only sharing some weekends together, but I can relate, as I made many similar choices in my younger days, although I never had kids in tow, but a few of them had some. Living together and sharing all the major response-abilities as a team, especially with a child, is a whole new scene and brings to light ALL of the little things we never noticed before, cared to put on display, or even thought to inquire about during the non-cohabitation days. Shit gets real now. More real than we may wish to experience at times.

If that's the response you can look forward to each time you attend social outings, are you okay with living the rest of your life like that? Are you okay with having the way your relationship functions be the example your child will grow up observing and being immersed in? If so, get comfy and healthily make the most of it. If not, start actively getting a plan E (e stands for exit) into place, now, so you'll have a safe and secure way out if things do not improve. Having a plan e doesn't mean you're going to have to use it, but not having one guarantees a much more difficult and trying experience if the time comes. We all hope that everything will be roses more often than thorns and we won't need a plan e, but based on my past experiences, life has shown me otherwise, repeatedly.

A friend suggested checking out the book The Five Love Languages regarding communication with our partners and it was pretty eye opening to me. I thought I already had a decent relationship and already knew how to communicate well enough, but this helped fine tune things even more, and helped me realize we all speak vastly different languages, in more ways than one. Being able to recognize our own helps us better translate our needs to others. Marshall Rosenburg's Non-Violent Communication is another gem I discovered that helped me improve and better understand communication skills. Both helped me a great deal. Take good care. Wishing you well.