I'm feeling suicidal a bit

[Changing4Best]

I'm feeling dragged out and weak, from coughing so much mucus up. This sinus infection has gone on for something like 3 weeks or so now, and I have 3 days of these antibiotics left yet, but then I am on my own, immunity wise. My immune system always has to deal with the Lyme Disease, so it is weak anyway. And this micro-organism is NASTY. It is persistent and even though this is a very strong antibiotic, I don't think it is working. I think this thing is just running its course and taking its time doing so.

I hate being sick! For so long. I don't have any sick days left at work, so I have to go back to work tomorrow. I have been working while I am sick. It is all so hard. I ache. I'm exhausted. And I have to keep going....

I just want to die! It would be easier. I could rest in peace with no more coughing. It is so inviting.

Thankfully I do not have a plan. I'm just writing how I feel. That's all. Thanks for reading and caring.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Grateful @SheilaKathy you do not have a plan. And know that I care and am now saying prayers for you. If you want to talk p.m. me. Much Love and Many Hugs!:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Changing4Best]

I realized this morning that life could be a lot worse than it is. I guess that is a good sign.

 

[Irishmarie]

I'm Bipolar as well as CPTSD, also have one serious suicide attempt in my past. So this is dangerou...

It's so hard to see in writing exactly what I'm feeling, but I want to give you encouragement to keep going the only way is up when you hit rock bottom please don't make yourself another statistic, someone cares enough about you well I do now and I don't know you try and get your head about the water again please

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I realized this morning that life could be a lot worse than it is. I guess that is a good sign.

Oh @SheilaKathy yes life could be so much worse as it has been for me and I now can look back and see some progress from therapy and from how friends in here and out here where I live are treating me. Last year SheilaKathy felt like I was living in a nightmare of which then I thought there was no escape.

Now post EMDR:unsure::wacky::sneaky: and also getting ready to start D.B.T.:unsure: on the 12th I am not walking around with a cloud:( looming over my head like before and although I still have bad days:( I don't have to allow them to take me down to hell:wtf: anymore - for I've been there (in hell) for decades (not now) and done that!:tup: Thank you:sneaky: for this post in reminding that I like you am starting to try and realize that yes SheilaKathy things were horrible and could be worse and most definitely this is a good sign when we individually can realize this. (hugs!):hug: (love these little emoticon:D suckers!)

 

[Changing4Best]

:) is about the only emogi I know. And maybe :hug: too, if I am lucky. When I click on the emogi button, nothing happens! SO that is all I can do for you with those.

Yes, we have to realize how far we have come!

DBT has helped me. I am, unfortunately too old to do EMDR, so I have to settle for whatever else my therapist can muster up for me. She says she uses a lot of different things on me, and I like her methods, but I can only afford to see her once a month. I still have a ways to go before my next appt. I did email her though, and she sent me a link that has been helping. I am getting some lessons from that link in my emails every day too. She does for me what she can between my monthly sessions though.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

DBT has helped me.

So good to know that D.B.T. has helped you @SheilaKathy. I have learned over the years many cognitive distortions and only if I strive and work hard then I believe I too can by putting forth effort learn a lot through this therapeutic modality.

I need only try and believe that the four sets of behavioral skills of this particular type of therapy being: distress tolerance, mindfulness, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness will further positively impact me in attempting to live a more peaceful existence in this at times stress-filled chaotic world. Love those emojis!:hug: (hug!)

 

[Changing4Best]

I found the grounding techniques to be most helpful. Sometimes the simplest things are the most powerful, and I use grounding the most I think, which is one of the mindfulness techniques.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I am sorry your having such a hard time and having S/I, I can relate to how you feel, suicide attempts, and hospitalizations have been my life, so much I have had over 50 hospitalizations, and over 25 suicide attempts (some were even overdoses I did on an actual psych unit), what I can tell you is its a roller coaster of being suicidal, getting hospitalized, and feeling better.

I am also BI-POLAR (an ultra-ultra cadian cycler)

The only thing I recommend is that you do some research on what's available to you treatment wise, and develop a care plan for yourself and follow it. And be demanding and rigid when you run into roadblocks as they always come into play.

Also if it gets bad enough and your safety is at risk, consider hospitalization, preferably a unit that specializes in trauma. There are many, MCLEAN, SHEPPARD PRATT TDU, PIW, etc. They take longer to get into, but worth the wait. I know from my own experience what I learned at Sheppard Pratt changed my life, and allowed me to manage my PTSD so I could move forward with PTSD treatment instead of always being on a roller coaster of crisis, hospital, home, crisis......

 

[Changing4Best]

Finally the tears came today! I have been on the verge of tears for weeks, but could not cry. My pastor, who I had written a long letter to last night at 2 AM, after she read it, hugged me and said, "I love you." That was what broke the damn. Finally the tears released! I cried all the way through her sermon. I still have some tears now, hours later. What a relief!!!

 

[Changing4Best]

Now, of course, comes the anxiety. The tears were welcome, this is not! ^#()^$#(*^(#^)#^)#()^

 

[Raj]

Thinking of you and thankful you continue surviving with us!

Raj