It's a strange and often lonely existence to feel so many f'n feelings so deeply, yet also feel like there's no one to trust sharing those feelings with, especially based on past experiences of trying to do so, even with the folks we f'n pay to listen to us. Not sure if that's how it plays out in your mind and heart, but that's how it feels in mine quite often.
Rarely being asked in depth questions by anyone actually wishing to stick around to hear the response sucks. I guess folks can perhaps sense the emotional train wreck and choose to avoid any possibility of opening a wound? Maybe they don't appreciate my communication style in how I rarely have a functional thought-to-mouth filter and I speak my truth exactly as I've lived it? Maybe the mirror they are looking in while talking to me shows them too much of the same scary struggles they've been trying to stow away and hide from others their whole life? Maybe I'm just an asshole in their eyes? Who knows. All I know is I feel let down in my attempts more often than not.
Folks definitely don't seek me out very often or come into my space. Part of me hurts because of that and another part of me celebrates the peace and quiet when I most need it. Being so sensitive to smells, certain foods, and loud noises complicates things even more. I often must first contact them then venture out and choose to immerse myself into their scene if I wish to engage and mingle. It usually doesn't last long, depending on the smells, the sustenance made available, and the overall vibe of the space, but I plant a few social seeds here and there.
All the socially expected niceties in the world that get generically tossed about in passing doesn't make up for one heartfelt in depth "I give a shit" meaningful conversation with someone who "gets it". I can easily become overwhelmed when I do encounter someone I connect to on a deep heart level and feels like they really give a shit. It can either open me up more or immediately shut me back down. Being open to receiving has always been a tricky thing for me, too. Damned if they do, damned if they don't, it seems. Ugh!!!
It seems easier to just shut them all out, until we start feeling like shit again for doing so and start desiring a meaningful connection again. Sighs. This human condition leaves a lot to be desired, that's for sure.
I don't have answers, but I think I can relate.
Wishing you wellness in your pursuits of being seen, appreciated, and genuinely heard in this twisted world. May we all find our tribe and be able to maintain a connection, however that looks in our individual lives.
