Moonlight Madness

[Lady Moonlight]

It's a new day. I took yesterday off to go pay the schools and change my name. I'm officially Mrs. DH! I'm really happy about that though my driver's license photo looks like I wanna die. Hahaha! It's a terrible photo!!
Work isn't too terrible today. I always have anxiety in the morning before coming into work. I hate my job so much. I'm always afraid of coming into work. DH (who also works here) thinks that my boss is a narcissist and is somewhat abusive to me. I really don't know what to think about my boss. I know she has a lot of issues. And she is very good about speaking her mind when she is upset. She also tends to make EVERYTHING about her, no matter what. And she has ADD or ADHD. So she will ask me a personal question, but before I can answer, she starts telling me a story about herself. I get really tired of it. She's a nice person and seems to mean well. But she is very self-focused which I think interferes with her ability to be a great boss.
So I have anxiety every morning coming into work because I always feel that I will walk into a situation where I messed up or forgot to do something and it f*cked us over. Can't tell you how many times I've been yelled at for that. Now have I messed up? Yes, plenty of times. My job is really the work of 2 people (mostly because I am also my boss's personal assistant). We are in the busy season now, so I have my own assistant also. But I still sometimes need extra hands. I can't wait to find another job, but I'm still here for now. I think, in the fall, I'm going to start looking.

DH. Still using. Still drinking. Nothing has changed. I'm still getting triggered, but my body is slowly adjusting to it. Again. Other than that, he's been happy with work and happy at home. He's been really sweet and generally supportive. I'm hoping our "bad time" is coming to an end. We have a concert tomorrow night. But I already know what to expect. And he works on Saturday, so he will most likely be responsible about his usages. We have F and S this weekend, but not the other three. I might take them to a friend's house on Sunday and they can swim. And she can redo the highlights in my hair. I think the last time I had them done was......IDK. Some time last year.

How am I doing though? I don't really know. I think I talk a lot about how other people are doing. Or I talk about when I'm doing badly, if I'm having anxiety or panic attacks. I am doing...okay. I think most days are pretty neutral or a tolerable level of stress. Some days are very hard. Then I don't cope well. I wouldn't say that any day is particularly easy. I'm so backlogged with things I need to take care of.
Yesterday, I had to run all those errands. I brought a book with me. Reading is something I love to do, and I almost never do it, unless you count my schoolwork. It was so nice to sit at the DMV and read a few chapters while I waited to be called. I read almost the whole book yesterday! I dug out a couple other books I've never read. Just one thing on my long list.
I also have bookshelves set up now, so I can unpack a lot more of my boxes. I was really happy about that. I hope to unpack this weekend on Saturday. Staying in the basement will be cooler since we don't have a/c. It's supposed to be really scorching!

I would love to spend the day cleaning and unpacking and making my house into my home. I really love the place we live in. We rent. We lived in it before the breakup. But it has a lot of new paint and we've really put together a new layout and new furniture. I think it takes the edge off the bad memories. Before we got back together, I was in the house a couple of times. It would trigger me. The smell of the house terrified me and saddened me. I notice sometimes that I can still smell it once in awhile. But with all of our stuff in there and so many smells, it doesn't smell that way much anymore. We painted so much and I love each of the rooms. It's my home there. Not just MY home, but my HOME. I really can't imagine living anywhere else. When I had to move to the apartment, I tried to make the apartment all mine. I decorated how I wanted and I did what I wanted. But as much as I claimed it as my own, I was always homesick. The apartment was also haunted. I didn't like it when the ghost came to visit. He paced a lot.

My posts are always so long. I feel bad, like it's an onus to read these. I guess my mind has a lot to say sometimes.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Friday!! I am SOOOO happy it's the end of the week. DH and I have our show tonight, which I am excited about. And I have plans to be with friends for the weekend, so I'm really happy about that. DH is going to an all day music fest Sunday. So I expect him home late and sh*t-faced. I may sleep on the couch. But I'm not worried about it right now. I'm going to enjoy my weekend with my boys. I'm going to get my homework done and read a book for fun. Hang out with my best friend. Make some awesome food. I am seriously so excited!!

I hope everyone here has a great weekend too! :)

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Well, there is much to say since that last post.
DH did come home f*cked up. He was a real a**hole. I cried all night and we had a huge fight the next morning. Things were tense for most of the week. His fighting really scared me. When he's like that and we fight, that's when the verbal abuse starts up. He didn't call me names. But the things he did say...not nice. And his way of saying it...not good. Left me terrified.
Things settled down. Thursday night we went to another concert. That one was fun. He only drank one beer. We ended up talking all night and it came up about his drinking. We talked a long time about it too. I don't know that anything will change. But he listened. He validated. And he's going to be thinking long and hard about his actions. And that's all I need for now.
This past weekend wasn't too bad. I expected worse. But there was a lot of tension on and off. I'm still really tired today. I wish I could take a nap. It's my last week of school for this class. I have a ton of homework to do. There just isn't any resting time now. I am under far too much stress. Even my relaxation time feels stressful, like it's forced.
My diet sucks. My exercise sucks. My energy level sucks. I don't even take 5 minutes a day to meditate. I feel like if I did, I would not be able to relax and get into it. I would just be forcing something else into my time schedule. Who knows...
But that is the latest. We've been so busy at work that I haven't had time to journal anything. It stinks because I want to make sure I log everything including my feelings. I don't do this at home though. I don't have any real time to myself to journal. Possibly when I'm supposed to be doing my homework. But that takes up so much time as it is. We shall see.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Well, it's morning! Things were calm last night. I got some homework done and hung out a bit with my boys. My BFF called. Her dad is in the hospital and has just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Stage 4. My own Daddy died of cancer, so I know what that road can be like. But he lived far away and her dad lives close. So I know it's actually going to be much harder on her. I'm going to check in on her today after work. Yesterday she didn't eat all day. So, at the very least, I'm going to make sure she gets something in her.
DH didn't drink. He didn't smoke either. He is having lots of pain. Pretty sure an abscessed tooth and definitely hemorrhoids. I'm surprised he didn't. He said last night he was going out for a smoke. I said a smoke or a "smoke" (because we don't discuss weed in front of the kids). He said just a cigarette. I said, oh okay. I know he's hurting, ya know? So i figure that's on the agenda. He says well, there's only enough left for about a bowl and he wants to save that for an emergency cuz it's gonna be awhile before he gets more.
He shocked me. I didn't really know what to say. I just kind of left it at that because I don't want to get my hopes up just yet. I need my mind to be able to rest and relax. And honestly, the weed isn't what bothers me the most. It only seems to upset me when it's in conjunction with alcohol already. I think I would be fine if he never drank again but smoked weed the rest of his life. Maybe not to the total stoner/pothead/high all the time level. But medicinally or sometimes recreationally, I'm fine with it.

The words I said over the weekend...I don't know which ones really stuck with him. But he said that I struck a nerve, something deep inside him. I didn't even know that I had that ability, to touch him like that. When he was drinking whiskey at the show a couple weeks ago, I just knew it was over. I knew there was a ticking clock on us. And over these last few weeks since then, I just can't help but want to fight for us. I know there is nothing I can do. There is nothing I can say or do to control this. It's alcoholism (and honestly still in the mild stages right now, unlike how it was before). He's been backsliding into it for ages. But he's my husband, my man, my king, my very heartbeat. And he, and me, and us...That's worth fighting for. It's worth hanging on for. Whatever is coming, whatever God has in store for us, I'm not going to let go of him. It's only in fear that I start feeling the urge to run. When the fear is gone, I'm ready to fight for us. That's why I want rid of this PTSD thing, this anxiety thing. Without it, I can work with him to make US better. I can't do anything for his alcoholism, but I can love the sh*t out of him and try to give us the best relationship possible.

So here's to hoping. It's baby steps.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Every day is something new. Last night (after a long day of work and a long few hours d*cking around with my car at the auto repair place, I went home and got some things done. DH decided we would have sex. Normally, this would be really friggin awesome because it is rare that he comes on to me or even suggests it. But I was being flirtatious and we had no kids in the house.
We pulled out some toys: handcuffs, vibrator. In all fairness, I am re-reading 50 Shades of Grey. But that isn't really what inspired me. I went to grab something from under the bed and saw them in the bin. So I grabbed them and tossed them innocently at DH.

What followed was (with zero detail) very much more erotic than the usual vanilla-type stuff we do. But right off the get-go, I found myself in that submissive mindset. And it scared the sh*t out of me. There have been a great number of times that I have allowed myself to be used for sex. Couldn't count them. By the Ex, by the Cheater and by numerous guys because I could and so I did. Even DH. It is SO degrading to be used for sex. I think anyone here can pretty much attest to that. And so last night brought out all the very old demons for me. I started shutting down, going through the motions, mild dissociation. I could feel it. And there was an undertone of fear there that kept my mouth shut. I trust DH in the bedroom (maybe not in a few other areas). But I still felt the anxiety creeping on me. There's just a different flavor, a different tone, all the sensations feel different.
We talked about it afterwards. Lay in bed and talked. I reassured him that he didn't hurt me. But told him how it messed with my head. There are certain things I cannot do because it shuts me down. Now I know this isn't a direct PTSD thing. But whatever is actually wrong with me (PTSD or otherwise), I have some major sexual scars. My thoughts would pull away from what we were doing and start remembering all the times I don't want to remember. Being with the Ex. Being with the Cheater. Cheap. Whore. Broken. Worthless. Skank. Guilty. Shameful. I've done some really bad things. I've been really bad. And I should be punished for being a whore. I still believe that. That's why we don't do the BDSM stuff anymore. Because I want to be punished, but I don't think it's good because DH will hurt me and I'm scared of him. I don't want HIM to punish me anymore for being bad. I love him and he loves me. We only do good things together now. Nice things. We need to be careful when we do the punishments because I might get scared again. I'm trying to NOT be scared of him.

I was very off for the rest of the night. Edgy. Tired. I read for awhile while DH called his friend. I stayed up too late and it was hard to wake up this morning. I didn't want to go to bed, but I had to. I dreamed about work. Not really my favorite dreams, but it's better than dreaming about sex. I just want to go home and be held today. Held and kept safe. But of course I can't. I have to see my OB for my annual check up. I have the boys. I have some serious homework.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Happy Monday morning! Well, it's not morning anymore. I am eating my lunch at work. It's been a fairly uneventful week, actually. DH hasn't had anything to drink for days and our household seems to be quieting down for a change. I'm really glad. It's giving my mind the ability to rest which I cannot be more grateful for. I've also been reading a lot. I was able to complete my homework without any real issues.
Tomorrow though I am getting nervous about. Another concert (we are almost done with these!) and DH is going with a friend. I am not going. I am very, very worried about him. We've had a lovely weekend on the farm. We have had some really good quality together and some honest conversations. I am really afraid of the monster coming out. But I don't have a choice here. He needs time with other friends and family. It's not all about me all the time. He needs a life outside of me. I just get scared because usually that means a lot of bad choices.

School is going well. I finished my nutrition class. I'm waiting for my grades to come back. I hope I get them back today or tomorrow. I think I wrote a pretty decent paper.

I am so glad that today is almost done with work. I've had a lot to do and even more has been added to it. I never seem to have enough hands sometimes. *sigh* I miss my bed.

I started taking antibiotics. I have an infection and need them. But everything tastes really bitter now. It's like having aspirin in my mouth all day. I have 7 more days after today. A whole week of this nasty mouth taste. I really hate medicines. I wish I didn't need them, but I do.

That's all I've got for now. We are going back up to the farm this coming weekend if the weather is good. We are going to bring all 5 kids and sleep in tents. I really hope it goes well...

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Tonight is the show. I am having some anxiety, but not too terrible. It's manageable at least.
When DH used to go out a few years ago, he would tell me he would be home at midnight or some such time. But he never was. He would come home when he felt like it and all f*cked up. Meanwhile I got up for work every morning. But until he came home, I was scared to death. Horribly anxious. We would fight. And he fights ugly, which I've said before. It's all low blows and angry sarcasm. All stuff to make me feel worthless and broken and just a pain in the a**. It was like this every time he went out, every time he would get drunk. It seemed like he lived for it. I would cry and cry and he would just yell at me for crying, like it's my fault. I still try to hide my tears and anxiety because of that.

So I have a plan for tonight, and so does he. His plan is a couple drinks and some weed and a great show with his friend, coming home early because of work.
My plan is sleeping pills. I still have some. I'll take two and if they don't kick in, two more. They're just over the counter. I'll put on a good gushy girl movie and knock myself out. There won't be any room for fear if I'm asleep.
He stayed out late last night too, but I was able to sleep somehow. I guess I was exhausted.

Song of the Day: Unsteady by X Ambassadors
Also
The Night We Met by Lord Huron

At least we are talking. I love him. I hate feeling this way.

My ulcer is acting up today. I have lots of stomach pain along with the anxiety. I felt good enough to eat lunch, but IDK if I will have anything else today. I don't have much in the house, and I need to feed my boys too. I'll have to come up with something. Payday is tomorrow, so it's whatever we've got for today.

I haven't been really following or participating in the forums at all. It sucks, but I don't have much to say. Maybe another day.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

I haven't been around as much. Really busy at work and that is my only time where I have privacy enough to write.
Last night was the scariest thing I have seen in a long time. DH has Norco's for his tooth pain (we need to find a way to pay for 2 extractions). Well, apparently, he was dehydrated and hot from work all day. He ate dinner. I went to visit my BFF whose dad is in hospice. She needed to get out. So we went out. When I came back, DH had taken a Norco and smoked a bunch of weed (I was gone like 3 hours). He had like a bowl and a joint and maybe another bowl in that time?
He gets up from the table outside saying he needs the bathroom. Walks maybe 10 steps. Sits down on the steps to go into the house. Starts telling me he is having tunnel vision and he's gonna pass out. So his eyes are open but he's like blacked out. I lay him back on the ground and he starts making these horrible noises. Like gurgling noises. His eyes were WIDE open. I thought he was gonna die. His friend who he had smoked with checked him for a heartbeat. He was so still. I guess he was still breathing.
Before he had gone, he told me to get water. So friend stayed with him and I ran inside and grabbed a glass. I dumped it on him and he immediately started gasping and spluttering and coughing. He sat up. He smelled like sh*t. Like I asked him if he had sh*t himself because he smelled terrible. Finally got him up and inside on the toilet. He stayed there for like twenty minutes sporadically sh*tting. Then he said he was nauseous. I got him a bucket and he vomited hard core into it. I had cold, wet rags on his neck, wrists and head. When he stopped puking I put him in the shower. After his shower, I got him in bed and he fell asleep almost instantly. I stayed awake for awhile, but not too long. But I left the TV on and the light. The bucket was beside the bed. Just in case. I didn't know if he was going to sh*t the bed or wake up and puke everywhere.
I'm still reeling from it. I'm going to do a bunch of research on this today. I don't know if it was the heat or the Norco or the weed or just a really d*mn bad combo of all of it. But I was about 2 seconds from calling the paramedics. It was terrifying. I don't want to be here at work today. I want to go home and sleep so much. I feel like I didn't sleep at all last night.

He and I are going to have a long conversation tonight. Not to chastise or anything. Just to communicate. He scared the sh*t out of me. I don't want him to die. And last night (besides one other night when he took Vicodin and drank on it- I stayed up most of the night on the phone with him scared he was going to die because he was all f*cked up. We weren't even dating at that time. Broken up. He had a girlfriend, but it was me that he called and talked to him for HOURS. Like 5 hours or something until he started feeling better), but anyways, last night was one of the scariest nights I've had. Scared that the person I love most is going to die right in front of me and I can't stop it.
Obviously, he's fine. But I'm shaken. I'm very, very shaken.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

That sounds like a very scary situation for you, were the kids around to see what was going on? I hope you get some rest and relax and tune out everything.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

@Rain, I was terrified. Thankfully the kids were in bed. But I still ask myself, what if I had stayed later with my friend? If I hadn't come home when I did, what would have happened? I wasn't home more than 15 minutes before that happened. The kids were asleep and the only person was my neighbor. He would have had to deal with it alone. Who could go to the hospital if need be? The whole thing was so crazy. But it worked out in the end.

Last weekend was tough too. I was already on edge from that event. Then DH spent almost the entire weekend out visiting other people. He wasn't home (other than to sleep for a couple of hours) for more than maybe two hours total. He went to a party and said he would leave at 10. He came home at 3am. By then, my anxiety and hypervigilance was so high that I didn't fall asleep until about 5:30am. We got into a big fight about it (even though he wasn't drinking heavily...supposedly). And then Sunday he went out all day and did stuff. It was nice to have time with my boys alone and also to have time to read a book and just hang out. But I was still so on edge. It's been so nice to have my mind be able to take a break from the stress and the insomnia and the hypervigilance, etc. etc. But this weekend was not that way. So now, instead of being really prepared for this week and rested, I am not at all. I feel burnt out instead. I am hoping for a restful evening tonight. There is always much more going on than I can post about. I thought that marriage has a honeymoon phase. One where all the lovey dovey seems to trump all the hardships for a while. This doesn't seem to be the case. Of course, I adore him and try to be an amazing wife, despite everything. But it's hard to make continual sacrifices without resentment creeping in. I am not doing enough self-love activities again, methinks. So I want to focus more on that again as I can only control myself and depend on myself.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am not doing enough self-love activities again, methinks. So I want to focus more on that again as I can only control myself and depend on myself.

Sounds like a very good plan, I think we could all use extra self care. Hugs.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

It is SO easy to put ourselves on the back burner. I am quick to do so and without even thinking of it. Last night was more of the same. Instead of being a nice evening with DH and the boys, it was a nice evening with the boys. DH worked late and came home exhausted. He ate. We talked. The talking really wasn't going well. He was on edge. I have said some things recently that are apparently identical to things his ex has said in the past. So I've touched a nerve of his, and we can't seem to get past that (now I find this oh-so-double-standards since he's allowed to trigger me and that's my problem, but now that I've "triggered" him, it's still my problem. love this. yes I do. -_-)
So we talk, but it doesn't go anywhere. Things remain the same. So after he fell asleep, I read my book and lay in bed until I finally fell asleep. Idk. That apathy is creeping in. We did this before too. Apathy. It's a killer. He doesn't want me to care or hold him accountable for his behavior. And so I shut it all down. And what does that leave? Apathy. Simply not giving a d*mn.
So my goals this week are self-love things each day, lose 2lbs., try for more sleep, and survive.