Not resiliant=weak

[Deleted member 42783]

I was happily driving out to an appointment today, beautiful day, listening to NPR when I caught this story about the current refugee crisis. Like an idiot I kept listening knowing that nothing good will come of this. A refugee woman's personal, tragic story was discussed and I became overwhelmed with grief for her. (Funny how my emotions overflow for others but not for myself)Then my thoughts went immediately to "If she can have survived so much, what do I ever have to complain about?" Which then turned into thoughts like "Your traumas aren't even traumas compared to what other people have experienced." Which then became "Why aren't you resilient? Why are you so weak?" "You are worthless. Man up and become more busy with life and helping others. You're dropping the ball. You never have a right to feel badly about your great life." "GET OVER IT!"

Every. f*cking. Time.
I'm too old for this garbage. . .Now I just want to sleep for the rest of the day.

 

[Deleted member 42783]

Before I get asked if the above is just a rant. . . no, it's not.
How do I stop minimizing and feeling ashamed? Is that even the right distortion? Minimization?

 

[desiderata310]

Why aren't you resilient? Why are you so weak?" "You are worthless

So you went down the rabbit hole pretty quickly.

You never have a right to feel badly about your great life." "GET OVER IT!"

The thing about PTSD is that it's not some sort of 'who had it worse' game. Ya know?

How do I stop minimizing and feeling ashamed? I

So if you were to hear your story (or one very similar) from someone else's lips, how would you react?
How would a complete stranger act?
Your or a complete stranger's reaction would probably be to react with surprise and or horror much like most people do when they hear of things that CAUSE PTSD.
Step aside from where you stand. Look at your trauma as though it happened to someone else and ask yourself, does that person need and deserve compassion?
My guess is that the answer is YES.
My guess is that you will need to remind yourself of that quite often for a while.
Think about this: did you listen to the refugee's story and think that person was weak or not resilient? NO! of course not! They survived whatever atrocity happened and then came back and told the tale to the nation, hell, the world. They are continuing on with life and trying to live on. That's resilience and strength.
Your battle was fought in different trenches. That's all.

 

[Deleted member 42783]

So you went down the rabbit hole pretty quickly.

Yeah, I do that sometimes.

Think about this: did you listen to the refugee's story and think that person was weak or not resilient? NO! of course not! They survived whatever atrocity happened and then came back and told the tale to the nation, hell, the world. They are continuing on with life and trying to live on. That's resilience and strength.

I realize that the refugee was strong and resilient.
I experienced vicarious trauma. I was not resilient. :( Which makes me weak.
My sexual traumas were not violent and I didn't fight him off. I froze. Which makes me feel weak.
I developed PTSD which means that I am weak.

Deep down I know that these are stupid cognitions. I just can't argue my way out of them.

I am in a profession that hardens people. I so badly want to stay sensitive to others but the cost of that is that I will always feel weak. Sensitivity and emotions make me feel weak. I care deeply for others and am often empathic to a physically painful degree. It does nothing but impede me. It is frowned upon by others at work.

I realize that now I am all over the map with what I'm typing. Sorry. I'm just letting it all come out.

 

[Sideways]

There seems to be all sorts of meaning that you've given to the word "weak". Can you elaborate on what that word means to you, and why it is that weak = bad/defective?

 

[desiderata310]

I didn't fight him off. I froze. Which makes me feel weak.
I developed PTSD which means that I am weak.

WOW. you've gotten right to the heart of that core belief! good job. And that's when the damn amygdala starts yammering on and (oh god I think everyone's going to listen to me yammer on about this for a while) the backfire effect happens to us.
Stupid is actually not a word I like to use. Irritating or difficult to navigate around but not stupid.
Turns out that the amygdala not only gives us that damn fight/flight /freeze response but it's ALSO what's responsible for our bodies reacting to hearing someone challenge our core beliefs with a call to battle stations.

Damn you, amygdala!:banghead:

But Knowing that this core belief is faulty is half the battle.That's where replacing it with a better core belief comes in really damn handy.

So instead of saying "I froze and that makes me weak" you COULD say "By brain felt that the safest way to assure my survival was to freeze. And I DID. I survived because my brain(amygdala, hypothalamus -not my thinkin' parts) was smart enough to do what was safest for me at that moment."

The same thing applies to being a WITNESS to something violent. Those parts of the brain most interested in survival(not showing the world that you were brave or smart) took over and said "HEY! the best way to survive this, is to shut the hell down"

You think that rabbit that froze to avoid being eaten was not resilient? NAH! he was smart.

And your brain was too. YOU don't like how your brain dealt with it but it dealt with it just the same and you're still here to tell the tale. Same as the rabbit. Smart brain, you've got there. And you're here. Trying to find a way forward. THAT IS resilience. Yeah I know. You need to let the amygdala scream "That's NOT RIGHT" for a while. But just keep telling your amygdala that you know better in this case.

 

[shimmerz]

That inner critic (that actually used to be an external abusers thoughts about you, so the words initially weren't even yours, you have just learned to take them on), is a bitch to break. I would do some serious work on the inner critic. Research it, challenge those catchy words you are using like 'idiot' 'stupid' 'weak' etc. Replace them (even if you are faking it) with words like 'brave' 'compassionate' 'resilient'. Write the sentence to fit the new word. Hard as hell but it is all about literally deprogramming your brain. Somewhere along the line you were forced to buy in to how horrible, evil, dumb you were,for reasons that are buried deep down inside of you somewhere. And it was a lie.

 

[Deleted member 42783]

Turns out that the amygdala not only gives us that damn fight/flight /freeze response but it's ALSO what's responsible for our bodies reacting to hearing someone challenge our core beliefs with a call to battle stations.

Is this why I feel the need to turn into a lawyer anytime my T tries to say something positive to me? I feel an intense need to argue any point he makes whether I believe in what I'm saying or not.

After my last post I discovered that I have a school assignment due my midnight tonight. I became overwhelmed and passed out for an hour and now I'm screwed and have to finish it. I'll get back to this thread when I'm done.

 

[Deleted member 42783]

Ok, I'm back.

That inner critic (that actually used to be an external abusers thoughts about you, so the words initially weren't even yours, you have just learned to take them on),

See, I struggle with this because I didn't have anyone externally criticizing me. No body ever told me I was weak. Nobody ever said I was worthless. I must have done it to myself?

YOU don't like how your brain dealt with it but it dealt with it just the same and you're still here to tell the tale. Same as the rabbit. Smart brain, you've got there. And you're here. Trying to find a way forward. THAT IS resilience. Yeah I know. You need to let the amygdala scream "That's NOT RIGHT" for a while. But just keep telling your amygdala that you know better in this case.

Yes, I don't like what my brain did. And still does. I was not a child when I was raped and the rape was not violent. I was an adult nurse (in training) when I watched that little girl, to weak to cry in agony, die after the procedure I was instructed to try back fired.

 

[Deleted member 42783]

My amygdala must be still screaming

 

[Rani G2]

I froze and that makes me weak" you COULD say "By brain felt that the safest way to assure my survival was to freeze. And I DID. I survived because my brain(amygdala, hypothalamus -not my thinkin' parts) was smart enough to do what was safest for me at that moment."

Well said!!! Thanks.

I have a similar issue valkeasisu! Only, I appraise it as having less intelligence which I also define as weakness mist of the time.

 

[The Albatross]

First off... the presentation by NPR of the refugee gave you the impression that gave you the thought: "I realize that the refugee was strong and resilient." Which is interesting because most likely that is what it was intended to do... be an inspirational segment. However, your perceptual or thinking style took it somewhere else entirely different.

The resultant thinking pattern (either habitual or behavioral style) said:
"I experienced vicarious trauma. I was not resilient. Which makes me weak.
My sexual traumas were not violent and I didn't fight him off. I froze. Which makes me feel weak.
I developed PTSD which means that I am weak."

There is something awry with all three of those statements above. The first statement above is ambiguous and general and self judging. The second statement both minimizes your traumas and is self shaming for having an instinctual freeze response. The third, is misinterpreting an injury... because as we all know, PTSD isn't a choice and it certainly isn't something someone "develops".

I think I'd take a hard look at all three of those statements plus your thinking style. Anthony has an article about that somewhere.