Minimize by lying

[Bill Dickerson]

I was over at Ex-Wife's eating dinner with the family and one of her friends sitting next to me on the couch asked "you don't work right.....how long has that been"? She wasn't being rude just idle chatter. She's a Nurse. I told her 5 years but it's been much longer. Then she asked "what's up with that?".

I told her it was my back and neck which do I have a lot of trouble with. I exaggerated how bad it is with them and I go to a Chiropractor to prevent going under the knife. Some of that is true but I knew I was lying when I said it. My mind was scrambling trying to find a way out.

It bothered me to lie like that. I don't discuss the PTSD with family and I don't have any friends. I don't think my family knows very much about the reason I don't work they just accept it.

I considered while my mind was racing for an answer that I should just tell her about the PTSD and I may start killing people at any moment. I'm not sure why it bothered me. Maybe it was because the rest of the family tuned in while we were talking. I think they were just being curious because I never discuss it.

Anybody else do this? Any insights?

 

[scout86]

It bothers me to do that, so I do the best I can to come up with responses that are technically correct, but misleading. Like I just 'have an appointment' and don't mention it's with my T. I'm tired because I didn't sleep well, don't expand to say it's been a week since I got at least 5 hours if sleep in a night... That sort of thing. (Once in awhile, I give a straight answer, if I feel like watching the t reaction.)

 

[Justmehere]

I've found that health care professionals tend to be overly invasive at times in social settings about questions about health care conditions... because their norm is a little different than the general population. I've been asked why I have a service dog by all kinds of people, and struggled to give an answer when I didn't want to actually answer. I would omit the truth that I have PTSD and say something vague which would only invite more questions. Now I've learned to just say "it's private."

Because it is private. It is hard to discuss something like PTSD, especially when it's unexpected. Stigma is real.

At the end of the day, you and I don't have anything to be ashamed about - and it's really up to you when and where you share and not.

 

[Friday]

This is a big part of why I isolate.

Either I'm not in the mood to give glib answers that are so outrageous no one would take them for truth, so they don't count as lying in my own mind... Or even better the gods honest truth spoken so plainly no one would believe it; Or I'm not in the mood to tell people to f*ck off & MYOB.

 

[Fadeaway]

I am with @Friday on the isolating part. I won't step foot into a hair cutting place because they always ask questions that for most people would seem normal, but they are full of landmines for me.

I get asked a lot of uncomfortable questions about work and family for some reason and after years of obsessing over how to answer certain question, I gave up stopped caring about polite lies. Besides, the question I get asked the most, "Do you have kids?" in my eyes, I am lying if I say no, but I am lying if I say yes, and if I say I have angel babies, they start apologizes profusely for asking, which I hate. I am damned no matter what on that question.

 

[Sideways]

I'm pretty comfortable telling people I have ptsd. I can say it matter-of-factly enough that I usually sound pretty confident, and I'll often follow it up with something like "That's a bit personal," if it gets met with more questions.

The flip side to that is that outside my therapy circle, no one knows I have DID. I wouldn't tell people that. And if someone asks me about something to do with my DID (like pointing out how much of a completely different person I am today), I will use the white lie "That's my ptsd" to avoid telling them, particularly if they're someone that I want to offer some sort of explanation to (rather than a random stranger - they get wildly untrue BS a lot of the time).

I feel uncomfortable about that, but I think that it's probably pretty normal for people's to do that with uncomfortable or misunderstood health issues. I wouldn't tell someone if I had piles either, you know?

 

[The Albatross]

Who Would I Be If I Gave Up Lying?

Exaggerating and/or minimizing is pretty common and is often a defensive tactic.
University College London October 24, 2016: "Telling small lies desensitizes our brains to the associated negative emotions and may encourage us to tell bigger lies in future, reveals new research."

But it can become habitual and even an "addiction", Dead Link Removed

 

[EveHarrington]

I think lying is ok in these instances. If people are going to be nosy nosy nosy (RUDE RUDE RUDE), they deserve to be lied to. Maybe this sounds mean, but I hate nosy people. (I also hate lying but I hate nosiness more than lying so I guess it's my way of being mean to them?)

 

[Beans]

I lie sometimes to avoid way too personal convos that the person wouldn't understand anyway. I've gotten better with that though, mostly cause I'm just sick of not being able to be myself. Actually did a ton of radical acceptance around this yesterday. This is my life, this is what happened to me, this is the way I am currently, this is where I am, my experience is valid and if someone doesn't get it they just don't get it- but I am sick of... moreso hiding than lying. Though I must say I do lie by omission sometimes, as in not speaking up if something has bothered me. Again, less so to avoid conflict, but moreso... I'm just used to feeling bad and not sticking up for myself so I let so much shit slide that should be addressed. It feels harder to break the habit of hiding or feeling bad being my norm than the lying in itself.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I can relate...within myself I see boundary issues...

 

[Sighs]

I have been asked by a number of people to share with them my veteran's trauma. They literally want to know about "the incident" that caused his combat PTSD. They usually assure me that they will never let on to him that I've told them. I tell them its none of their business. Generally, these are the same people who when they find out he is a combat veteran will lean in close to him and ask with barely contained excitement "So... have you ever killed someone?". He narrows his eyes and says "Haven't you read the job description?".

 

[Cannottakethis]

I relate so much to this. I stopped working in 2013 and I'm only 47. I will tell people I'm a stay at home cat mom or a stay at home wife, and get the look like "but what do you DO???"

Depending on the circumstance, I may tell people that I do hr consulting/ resume writing/ job coaching from home, which I would do if I had clients, or did any advertising, or had any energy to do so but none of those things are true but I would if I could. People seem more accepting of that lie. But like @Friday said, isolating is so much easier.

When my parents were having their 50th anniversary party, they asked me to lie to some of their friends and tell them that I was working rather than embarrass them by saying that I was on disability. I refused. Even as a grown-up, mommy and daddy still tried to call the shots.

It's sad that there is so much stigma around this. And @Sighs I am truly horrified that people ask the nature of your combat trauma. its bad enough to go through any of what all of us have, without some nosy jerk trying to get a thrill.