Found my daughter in her room crying

[New]

I found my daughter in her room crying. She is crying because I haven't been able to leave the house to take her back to school shopping. Now, I can't stop crying for her. Why can't I just get over this? I don't know what to do anymore. I use to take her shopping all the time before the bad happened. I know at 12 she can't possibly understand. I just wish I could fix me for her and my husband. I'm so over this and I know they are beyond over it.

 

[Never_falter2]

So, sorry you are going through this. Just wanna tell you my hubby often avoids going crowded place like shopping malls with me and I love him lots and he does not have to feel bad. I am grown up. My children are younger than yours and know it no different.
But I understand why it is bad for a 12 year old. Is there something else you can do to show how much you love her?

 

[New]

We have a very close relationship and do a lot together at home playing games and watching movies. I know she didn't mean for me to see her crying. She has the best heart and I know I would cry if I was her. She deserves better.

 

[Never_falter2]

Maybe you can tell her "You don't need to be so brave and cry on your own, because you are still a child. My child and if there is something you need to talk about we can talk".

 

[New]

Great advice! Now I just need to quit crying and go do it. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Not sure where you'd be shopping, but if it's at a mall or big box store, maybe you could try and pick a time when it wouldn't be as crowded. Weekday early am? Hope you make the day special for the both of you when you do go!!!,

 

[anthony]

Is there are reason why you can't take her shopping?

 

[Prough]

I have been right where you are. I felt like I had nothing to offer, I felt like a burden, I felt like the mission was going to fail because of me. But that's how it used to be. I cant be that man anymore. Healthy people don't dissapoint they're families. Healthy people only disapoint there families, today. I needed to know that I couldn't help her, today. I had to believe that tomorrow would be different. When I made my girlfriend cry I needed to say that I was sorry. I used THAT guilt to fight the other. So I got out of bed and told her. She immediatly broke down into tears. She threw her arms around me and said I don't care im just glad you're out of bed. It's never easy and for every story like that i have a dozen more that ended in flames. I am still with her. Just like you i have no idea why. Half of the time I'm certain she hates me. The other half is sure I hate her. I will give you the advice she gave me. "There isnt any way to win this. But there is only one way to lose. You can't give up on me until I give up on you". Me and my gf suffer everyday. I think for her, she would rather suffer with me than be spared from me.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Maybe it would be okay to go ahead and let her see you cry, too. Be honest about the feelings and the roots of where they come from and give each other permission to feel and express those feelings in a safe space together. Suppressing, hiding, and covering stuff up only ensures it will reappear another day in some other uncomfortable way, via some kind of symptom, from what I've experienced. It always comes back.

I used to feel like I had to hide my emotions as a kid, too, for fear of upsetting others, and for a couple more decades once I became an adult, and wish like hell I could go back and change all of that.

I wish we all could have freely and openly discussed our feelings, especially the super unpleasant ones, and kept it real with each other rather than spending my life having to hide, put on masks, and lie about my feelings and suffer in silence, all alone, then spend the rest of my life having to go back and try to connect all the scattered dysfunctional dots of self and others to make sense of it all.

Either way you look at it, it can be a scary unpleasant scene. But being empowered with knowledge and understanding of the real deal instead of armed with the fear of uncertainty and misguided perceptions can make such a big difference in how we look at and deal with things. Best wishes for both of you in your pursuit of getting through these days.

 

[ladee]

This ^^^^^^^, what @Tornadic Thoughts said....

 

[New]

Maybe you can tell her "You don't need to be so brave and cry on your own, because you are still a...

Just wanted to let you know I took your advice and it was amazing. We cried and held each other and she said she just didn't want to upset me. We talked it out and have made plans now daily to go on bike rides. We also reached out to a friend of mine who has a clothing boutique and she sent us a ton of photos and let my daughter pick what she liked and she shipped it to us. My daughter loved all of it and did a fashion show. I can't thank you all enough for being here and I'm so glad I took your advice.

 

[New]

Is there are reason why you can't take her shopping?

I have trouble driving and am triggered a lot. I don't like to drive with her in the car in case I am triggered if that makes sense. It happened once and I had to pull over and get my parents to come get us. They have offered to take her shopping too but I'm a stubborn a$$ and don't like being a burden. I ended up telling my Mom and she of course immediately asked my daughter when she wanted to go shopping.