I'm f**ked up, you're f**ked up, we should hang out/date

[Richard Gillchrist]

Hello.
I've noticed something disturbing about myself - I was wondering how many others have noticed similar.
Ok, by "relationship" I don't mean only romantic-sexual relationships, I'm including friendships here and whatever else.
I just found that many of my relationships are what people call "wound relationships" - bonding over "everything wrong with us".
For me, I will never turn somebody away just because they have been through something, or maybe because they might have one or two problems adjusting...
Also, for many years I hated people - I mean really, really hated people (some of you who have experienced sexual violence or live with someone who has will know exactly what I mean) - I mean that if there was a red button I could have pushed which would wipe out the whole human race, I would have done it without a second's hesitation.
At a point in my life I decided that I would open myself to love, to giving and receiving it.
But the love I offered was more or less what I wanted people to offer me, I think.
It was like unconditional love, the "no matter what you do, no matter what you say, I will always be there for you" kind of love.
But that doesn't actually help anyone (I feel sometimes, like now), it just opens you up to people with a low self-esteem and low self-worth who want to use you to get what they need out of a relationship (security, acceptance, love) without putting any work into it.
Who'd do something like that?
Somebody who has been hurt and who needs love without wanting to put themselves in a vulnerable position maybe?
I can talk about some examples from my life if you like.
The present "relationship" I'm in with someone now living in another country over messaging and social media services started off as one of those, maybe I might have to admit that in a way it still is.
I feel kind of confused and not so great now, sorry if this thread is depressing.

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm learning to develop more solid relationships right now. I crashed and burned so many times with that "unconditional love" crap...
Setting boundaries for myself first and my priorities and then set boundaries around me for others.
That might of isolated me a bit, but hell, at least my life is not filled with drama.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I can totally understand where you are coming from! I have also come to this revelation...Due to the shit I have gone through in my life and as someone who was/is heavily criticized I find myself being overly sympathetic, understanding, over and beyond loyal no matter what. I also find myself having the deepest relationships with "toxic" people for lack of a better word because, I feel like people who have wounds better understand me and mine and are less judgmental but, often they do use me and take advantage of me. Or because, THEY felt comfortable opening up to me they eventually back off from the friendship entirely because, it makes them feel too vulnerable.. I also find myself attracted to men who are wounded....which don't get me wrong I am not saying all wounded people are toxic, for I myself have wounds/scars and it affects me...I'm just saying I agree it is a vulnerable place I continued finding myself in and I do continue to be used in relationships I feel like

 

[Aideun32]

Don't go into something expecting to receive a sense of security or stability. Go into something because you like the other person, just as it takes work to let yourself be happy it takes work to maintain a relationship. Wound relationships are horrible.

 

[Aideun32]

Don't go into something expecting to receive a sense of security or stability. Go into something becau...

Comfortable may not be the best standard when talking about serious emotional trouble and moving away from it.

 

[Richard Gillchrist]

Don't go into something expecting to receive a sense of security or stability. Go into something becau...

I always do.
After all the abuse, the confusion, the disappointment and people taking me for granted I've been through in this sort of relationship, I've come to doubt just about everything, doubt people's motivations, doubt I can have any kind of "real" relationship with someone, doubt that "love" in the sense it is idealised, actually ever existed...
But I've not once doubted that I liked any of the people I've got into this kind of relationship with (again, by "relationship" don't only mean the romantic-sexual kind - I think I'm pretty much asexual so I try to avoid these anyway - sometimes unsuccessfully) every one of them was a unique, special person with many good points and a thousand reasons to like them...
Just a pity about the other stuff there as well.

 

[Sideways]

When you're coming from a place where people have abused you so bad that you live with ptsd? It's gonna take a lot of time experiencing positive relationships to recover. And that makes sense - we don't want to walk into that abuse again.

The few friends that I currently have that I consider to be really good friends - started out as people that I just invested some time and energy into because interacting with them was kind of okay.

Kind of okay, became 'sometimes pleasant', which became 'sometimes positive and meaningful'. When I stopped trying to get the whole 'friendship' thing right, and I just simplified and accepted I was back at square 1, without expectations (or, frankly, even hoping) for the "unconditional love and fulfilling mutual support" thing, and broufht it right back to just looking for positive (initially very brief) interactions with other humans? That's when I started to create friendships. It's a long and lonely ride, but it's starting to pay off.

I don't buy into the idea that a good relationship is one where you provide unconditional acceptance of the other person. I'm into honesty. Compassionate honesty. I will call BS on a friend if I feel it's the truth. Doesn't need to impair the quality of the friendship if it comes from a place of compassion.

There's a lot of 'rules' of what it takes to be a good friend that I don't buy into though. Like the good friend is always just a phone call away? No, if you call me in crisis when I'm in crisis? I'm actually not gonna take that call till I'm stable enough.

Give yourself time and space to figure out what works for you. The type of friendships that suit you, your life, your individuality? Is as unique as you are.