Relationship Enabling?

[Never_falter2]

I do not know your guy or if he is doing therapy, but people with PTSD can learn to do those things again but they have to be slowly.

To give an example. Going to a multiplex cinema might be mega stressful for him. So you start going to a small cinema and he might have a strange feeling but that passes after a while. So you go to the small cinema several times, until he feels ready for the next step (somewhat bigger, still not the multiplex) and you do this step by step until he is ready for the multiplex.

So it gets better, but one day at a time and leave tomorrow till it comes and tell him about your wishes but do not make him feel as a failure and if he took you to the small cinema tell him how much you enjoyed it and not how much better you wouldhave liked the multiplex.

 

[Brown Eyes]

Don't tiptoe around his PTSD. Just relax. Make your plans, just don't set them in concrete. "Go with...

Thanks for those words of encouragement. He is worth the tiny bit of disappointment I have encountered. I look forward to many many years of being together away from the hustle bustle of society and spending days and nights where he feels safe and relaxed.

 

[Brown Eyes]

I do not know your guy or if he is doing therapy, but people with PTSD can learn to do those thing...

His therapy ended...not sure how long ago. I just came from having an early spontaneous dinner at his favorite place. It has quickly become my favorite place too!
You have made me better understand and I thank you for taking the time to respond to my poorly written posts and share insight.

 

[Brown Eyes]

Update...
Last Friday night I decided to have a little too much sangria and totally open up and ask the burning questions I needed to know to continue this relationship. It did not end well but I did learn alot and was able to make a decision...to end the relationship with my vet.
My biggest concern, living day to day with no plans, was of course if he saw our relationship as long term. When asked he told me that I have made him happy everyday for the past 5 months. When he was having a bad day or was sad he knew the minute he saw me or talked to me it would turn into a 'Happy Day', despite his issues. No one has ever made him feel this way. A wonderful response but he did not answer my question about long term plans to be with me. So asked again...his response, "I told you I would never leave you and I am serious about sharing a place in the mountains with you (his happy place). But I truly never think more than one day at a time...I cannot."
I continued to dig deeper and deeper but came up empty handed for what I needed from him to move forward. He has never gotten close to anyone, never tried to love anyone, for fear of them dying. He made his first and only attempt 'to love' with me but he's no good at it and will never try again?
Is this a symptom of PTSD or possibly life in general?
Regardless, this man is no longer in my life although he remains in my heart.
I have learned so much from the forum here and will continue to learn just in case the next guy I meet has similar issues. I will think twice but I know that sufferers have hearts of gold and deserve the best life has to offer like we all do. I did not give up on my guy...just decided I was not getting what I needed in this relationship.

 

[Never_falter2]

Sad, but I can understand you do not want to be in anrelationship with a guy who has no plans for the future. Maybe the both of you can stay friends?

 

[Brown Eyes]

Very sad...I'd trust him with my life but no longer with my heart.

 

[The Albatross]

This is something really worthwhile to hang on to as you move on gal, " I did not give up on my guy...just decided I was not getting what I needed in this relationship."

 

[Brown Eyes]

Well put...there was NO giving up on each other but instead we parted ways so the other could be happy. Seems far-fetched at this time of many many tears falling, but I hope to be in his life in some capacity when we both have had time to heal. He is truly the best man I have ever had the pleasure of having in my life.

 

[Brown Eyes]

I thought this relationship was over but now I am not so sure. I am not sure if I want it to be over and not so sure if HE wants it to be over either. We continue contact thru text and he calls me every few days. I even invited him to come see me last week and he accepted with a smile. I have now learned that in addition to being a veteran with PTSD...he has deep rooted issues from his childhood.
He described his life growing up an orphan as wonderful and that he would not change anything and was convincing at the time. Come to find out the story remains the same but IS a reason that he has never tried to love, until me, he's not good at it and has given up?
I am finding it almost impossible to separate the Upbringing Issues from the PTSD issues. Which I will most likely never grasp but want to somehow be a part of this man's life.
He continues to tell me very very personal events that happen to him and hearing them tear me up inside, but at the same time give me hope that WE may still have a chance?
My questions lie with these issues...Do sufferers usually make clean breaks from relationships and run the other way when pushed? He stated he could only do Day to Day so I let him go. Never a harsh word or hurtful anything...I just backed off to give him space, which he chuckled at saying he does not need time or space?
Why would he continue to open up to me? From what I am reading from many posts...shutting loved ones out is the norm? Is this part of his own therapy? I do not feel like he is using me in any way but continues my "Roller Coaster" ride. Which consists of "Do I still want a life with this man or do I not"? 90% of me says I do.
Is there a point where a sufferer shares so much in hopes of hanging onto a relationship and it actually helps heal him? He's always told me that I am helping him so much...although all I do is listen and love him.
Does this sound as though I am his therapist as opposed to his lover? He is no longer seeing a therapist that I know of. I found him actually talking ME thru situations and feelings as if he was my therapist and he's very good at it.
I am at a loss for where to turn...away or towards this man. I have begun dating another but is purely a rebound guy who does everything that my guy cannot but I choose to NOT reveal that fact since I want to be back with him...PTSD and all. The last thing I want to do is hurt him in anyway or stop being the open ears and open arms that he seems to need?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Don't fall into the trap of thinking love can cure him, or that you need to be there to save him. If love could cure mental illness there'd be a lot less mental illness in the world. Its hard to grasp sometimes that our partners are mentally ill, especially if we don't have any other exposure to mental illness. He has a disorder that may never get better. It may get worse. It could be cyclical and have good times and bad times. This may be the best he ever is.

Is a supportive partner beneficial to a PTSD sufferer? Absolutely. It makes life better for everybody. Will it cure what ails him... no. He's still going to have PTSD and all that comes with it.

What's gonna happen when he feels bad next time? What will happen if he gets worse? Or needs hospitalized? Or lashes out? Or becomes suicidal? These are things you need to consider.

What is best for you, your happiness, and your mental health?

 

[EveHarrington]

Have I ever made a clean break?

No. Never. I always go back even if the ultimate decision is to move on.

Shutting out loved ones is the norm?

Yup. But I'm getting better at asking for space when I need it.

Is it part of his therapy?

Nobody can tell you that but him.



Being a supporter DOES help us. It does not fix us, but it DOES help us. You have no idea what it's like to get that kind of support from someone. I honestly can't explain it------but know this. Most therapies tell us to heal in the context of relationships. Not necessarily partnerships, but in loving, caring, supportive relationships as it can make a world of difference. Listening to him and loving him does more for him than you can ever imagine. People think they need to move mountains in order to help us but this couldn't be further from the truth. It really does come down to the basics of love and caring and understanding.

I can't see a single thing in your post that points to him treating you as a therapist. Can you please elaborate?

 

[Brown Eyes]

I can't see a single thing in your post that points to him treating you as a therapist. Can you please elaborate?

He does not treat me as a therapist. I have heard quite a few times, while I am in 'listening mode' and he is explaining incidents that happened, stories of his job, things he wants to experience with me etc. "You have helped me so much that I want to take you here, or show you this video, or explain this to you". or "You have gotten me to the place that I want to take you back to my childhood home or to Wales where I felt at home and at peace."
I had/have no idea how I am helping him except to just be me? I've asked him and he has no response. Twice, I got him out of situations that I noticed were escalating his mood, loud busy restaurant and a neighbor of mine that was bullying me, but we just moved past it and had a great evening all three times.
I have been a passive help to him unknowingly and clearly continue to be. We only came into issues when he realized I had classified him as having PTSD. His response was, "Thank you for reminding me because I thought I was no longer that army dude." This was 5 months into our very close relationship...he hid it well or was actually coping with it unbeknownst to me?
My only clues were the cancelling of plans and many promises to do things that eventually fell on deaf ears...mine.
Never a cross word, always calm cool and collected. Sometimes sadness but nothing like pushing me away or harming himself or even depression. He admits that he can always depend on me to make him laugh smile or have fun!