Do sufferers know they are being hurtful?

[Zaha]

Thank you to everyone who has weighed in and shared their experience. As I am unable to communicate with my ex, and I don't know if she even fully understands what is happening to her, this is all invaluable in terms of understanding something that has been so painfully confusing (and that's an understatement).

Should I add feeling 'remorse' about things that are symptoms?
Nope. Can't see how that helps anyone.

In asking about remorse, forgive me if it seemed like I was suggesting you should feel remorseful for things that are symptoms, things that you can't control.

The reason I ask about remorse is not for my ex-sufferer to feel even worse about her symptoms, but I guess I figured it would indicate to me that her and I actually mattered to her. Has she actually forgotten that? This was a serious relationship and she was quite clear (and her close friends agreed) it was the healthiest, best relationship she's ever had. Then seemingly overnight she seemed content to throw it all away, like it was no big deal. Five months later and I still haven't heard a word from her. Does she really not remember what we felt like? It seems to my non-sufferer brain that once the numbing wears off (and I have no knowledge that it has besides the fact that's it's been half a year now) that she would be able to remember how intensely in love we were. And even if she thinks too much damage has been done, even if everything she has went through has extinguished her feelings towards me somehow, I would like to think she'd want to make amends in some way upon realizing how devestating this must've been for me.

 

[Gese]

(The above post by Zaha is me the OP, Gese. Changed names when I logged in on a different device)

 

[Icar]

In asking about remorse, forgive me if it seemed like I was suggesting you should feel remorseful for things that are symptoms, things that you can't control.

As a supporter, I do expect my sufferer to feel remorse for his lashing out. If he escalates and lashes out, calls me a c*nt, throws a plate, and tells me I'm a piece of sh*t mother? Then yeah, I do expect him to feel remorse for not better utilizing his coping skills and managing his reactions. Do I understand that lashing out is his go to stress response? Yes. Does that mean it is okay for him to say those things to me? No.

 

[Ezo]

It seems like closure in any breakup is something you have to find for yourself. If you're waiting on her for answers, you may be waiting forever.

The relationship mattered to you. You did your best. That's all you can do. If she leaves, for whatever reason, it is what it is. You just have to make peace with that.

 

[Gese]

I can't even fathom that I could hurt someone.

All emotional facilities are completely flatlined.

Ucusi, this was a really enlightening. I remember very shortly after the breakup, my ex was having dinner with a mutual friend who told her that I was really hurting. My ex said, "Oh, I didn't realize it would affect him that much." Which, for many reasons, is an insane statement. But the way you explain being unable to access emotional facilities helps me to understand why she would think something like that.

Not having access to empathy is really hurtful for someone on my side to experience, I can only imagine what it must be like being the person who can't access it. I must confess that sometimes in my darker moments I claim to envy her numbness, wishing I didn't have to feel the hurt of this breakup. But being emotionally numb must be a terrible experience of which I can't comprehend.

 

[Osa]

TONS of people just walk away from relationships. This is in no way just a PTSD thing. The relationship is over and you are assuming it's a PTSD thing and when she comes to her senses she'll realize she hurt you. Throw away the assumption that it's PTSD based? And you have just another guy pining for a girl who wanted out of a relationship so she walked away.

Closure is up to you. Don't expect her to give it to you.

 

[Gese]

TONS of people just walk away from relationships. This is in no way just a PTSD thing. The relationship is over and you are assuming it's a PTSD thing and when she comes to her senses she'll realize she hurt you. Throw away the assumption that it's PTSD based? And you have just another guy pining for a girl who wanted out of a relationship so she walked away.

Closure is up to you. Don't expect her to give it to you.

Just curious, do you think this tough love thing is actually helpful for someone who is hurting?

 

[Valeka]

I'm not the one who posted that, but yes... sometimes supporters need a little jolt. It's easy to blame the PTSD for everything, or use it to excuse bad behavior, or hope people get better and come back. It's not healthy or realistic. There are examples here, on this forum, of people waiting years for "isolating" sufferers. Sometimes what seems cruel really is tough love. We're trying to help believe it or not.

 

[Fomeri]

(This is the OP on my phone) I appreciate the intention, but nobody on here can ever truly know the other person's story on here. And this is not to say I am excusing her behaviour or hoping she'll come to her senses. Regardless of PTSD, she has acted like an awful, disgusting, selfish, soulless human being and, as is often asked on these forums, would I tolerate this behaviour from someone without PTSD? No, of course not.

But to make declarative statements like this isn't PTSD or whatever... none of you have looked in her eyes and seen them so empty, or heard the flatness in her voice, or received the desperate texts from her (when she was still communicating) where she said how she has dark thoughts and feelings running through her and how she realized she's hurting and she needs help.

Do I believe her PTSD somehow made her break up with me? No. Do I think all she has to do is come out of the fog and she'll love me again? No. But when you don't know me, please don't try and make me out to be a lovesick puppy who is pining for a girl who is just not that into him. I'm not sitting around waiting. I'm not delusional. But I also know this isn't a regular breakup, and someone suggesting it is when they don't have all the facts really feels like you are trying to minimize the pain of someone who watched a loved one's feelings turn off like a light switch and their personality change into that of an emotionless stranger seemingly overnight.

 

[Fomeri]

Maybe it's sometimes hard to wrap one's head around if you haven't been there or believe in processing things differently, but trying to understand what hit me - as it has been such a surreal, outside the realm of normalcy experience - is just the way I try to heal and work towards closure. Don't worry, you won't be seeing me hanging around here for years holding out hope.

 

[Gecedun]

Just curious, do you think this tough love thing is actually helpful for someone who is hurting?

Why don't you report the post then?

 

[Fomeri]

Why don't you report the post then?

Because I don't think they are actually trying to be abusive or kick me while I'm down.