notJuliana
New Here
Hi, I’m glad I found this forum, at last maybe I can start to understand what’s going on.
My life has fallen apart over the past year, to where now I’m both emotionally, or psychologically, desperate and also financially, which makes everything so much more difficult to bear up under.
I am in so much pain, and feel such fear, anxiety, shame, helplessness, isolation. Until recently I thought - “What happened? I was doing just fine, and now I’m not? Just like that?” But my own personal reality is starting to make itself known: I have always had the feeling, deep down, that nobody likes me, everyone is disgusted when they even see me, there is no way I can have a normal or nice life, I don’t deserve it, I shouldn’t be here. I have always tried to pretend to be someone I’m not. Nobody in particular, just anything not-me would be better than being me, and might win me the chance of being liked, accepted, maybe belonging somewhere. I struggle quite a lot with self-loathing.
I hope it’s ok to be in this forum - if I have (C)PTSD, then only self-diagnosed. Everything I’ve read so far fits. What also fits well are descriptions of ‘attachment trauma,’ ‘relational trauma,’ ‘developmental trauma disorder,’ and so on. Drug and alcohol use? check. (but not currently!) Depression? check. Teen pregnancy? check. Suicidal thoughts? check. Yet I’ve always pretended to myself that everything is fine. Even though the bad things are not things that I’ve forgotten, or completely repressed the memory of. It’s all there, although most of it so painful to contemplate, so I don’t think about it and have never told anyone, not even therapists. Probably due to extreme shame. (Things like having sex that I didn’t want to have, having 3 abortions between ages 16 - 18, smoking pot with my mom at age 13, being so embarrassed when my mom slept with friends of mine.) Jeez, now I’m bawling again just to mention that, even anonymously. So embarrassed, so ashamed.
All the relationships I’ve had (as in being a couple) have been with men who had been physically abused as children (Even though I never knew about it until after we had known each other a while!) And every one of them was a heavy user of cannabis or alcohol or both. So I was co-dependent? I guess. I got married at 24, to a man who committed suicide 3 years later. Now, 28 years after the fact, I remember it like yesterday, when I allow myself to think about it.
Yes, I’ve had years of psychotherapy at various times in my life, but all just talk. I guess it probably helped me to remain functional, but has apparently never had an effect on how I really feel. I’m a pretty good faker though, and always want my therapist to feel good and like me, so I think I was hiding the “real me” (if there is such a thing).
I have no one to talk to about this, I cannot afford any kind of therapy any more (I live in Germany, but even they have health care limits - on how much and especially what kind of therapy is covered). I am too ashamed to talk to the two friends I am still somewhat in contact with. I talk to them less and less anyway because pretending to be OK is getting too difficult.
Maybe there are repressed memories that I know absolutely nothing about, but as far as I know right now, I was not beaten or otherwise physically abused as a child. What I do know is that my mother was depressed - diagnosed by a psychiatrist, taking anti-depressants - while pregnant with me and for at least the first three years of my life. She says she doesn’t have any memories of me before I was three. Well, I was her 4th child, or actually the fifth but right before me was a baby that died of crib death. And then three more kids born after me! So it was kind of a crowd.
Thank you for letting me post this, and for having this forum. It’s such a relief. I hope it’s ok that I joined.
My life has fallen apart over the past year, to where now I’m both emotionally, or psychologically, desperate and also financially, which makes everything so much more difficult to bear up under.
I am in so much pain, and feel such fear, anxiety, shame, helplessness, isolation. Until recently I thought - “What happened? I was doing just fine, and now I’m not? Just like that?” But my own personal reality is starting to make itself known: I have always had the feeling, deep down, that nobody likes me, everyone is disgusted when they even see me, there is no way I can have a normal or nice life, I don’t deserve it, I shouldn’t be here. I have always tried to pretend to be someone I’m not. Nobody in particular, just anything not-me would be better than being me, and might win me the chance of being liked, accepted, maybe belonging somewhere. I struggle quite a lot with self-loathing.
I hope it’s ok to be in this forum - if I have (C)PTSD, then only self-diagnosed. Everything I’ve read so far fits. What also fits well are descriptions of ‘attachment trauma,’ ‘relational trauma,’ ‘developmental trauma disorder,’ and so on. Drug and alcohol use? check. (but not currently!) Depression? check. Teen pregnancy? check. Suicidal thoughts? check. Yet I’ve always pretended to myself that everything is fine. Even though the bad things are not things that I’ve forgotten, or completely repressed the memory of. It’s all there, although most of it so painful to contemplate, so I don’t think about it and have never told anyone, not even therapists. Probably due to extreme shame. (Things like having sex that I didn’t want to have, having 3 abortions between ages 16 - 18, smoking pot with my mom at age 13, being so embarrassed when my mom slept with friends of mine.) Jeez, now I’m bawling again just to mention that, even anonymously. So embarrassed, so ashamed.
All the relationships I’ve had (as in being a couple) have been with men who had been physically abused as children (Even though I never knew about it until after we had known each other a while!) And every one of them was a heavy user of cannabis or alcohol or both. So I was co-dependent? I guess. I got married at 24, to a man who committed suicide 3 years later. Now, 28 years after the fact, I remember it like yesterday, when I allow myself to think about it.
Yes, I’ve had years of psychotherapy at various times in my life, but all just talk. I guess it probably helped me to remain functional, but has apparently never had an effect on how I really feel. I’m a pretty good faker though, and always want my therapist to feel good and like me, so I think I was hiding the “real me” (if there is such a thing).
I have no one to talk to about this, I cannot afford any kind of therapy any more (I live in Germany, but even they have health care limits - on how much and especially what kind of therapy is covered). I am too ashamed to talk to the two friends I am still somewhat in contact with. I talk to them less and less anyway because pretending to be OK is getting too difficult.
Maybe there are repressed memories that I know absolutely nothing about, but as far as I know right now, I was not beaten or otherwise physically abused as a child. What I do know is that my mother was depressed - diagnosed by a psychiatrist, taking anti-depressants - while pregnant with me and for at least the first three years of my life. She says she doesn’t have any memories of me before I was three. Well, I was her 4th child, or actually the fifth but right before me was a baby that died of crib death. And then three more kids born after me! So it was kind of a crowd.
Thank you for letting me post this, and for having this forum. It’s such a relief. I hope it’s ok that I joined.
