Shaming voice (inner critic) & suicidality

[NatBird]

Please help.
I have a punishing voice shaming me, telling me I am wrong and f*cking things up. It has got louder and louder over the past few weeks. I am aware it's connected to issues around loss and abandonment. I was initially having suicidal images and now I am just drowing in the thoughts and the feelings. It is loudest in the morning and a struggle to get out of bed. It feels like it has me in its jaws and I'm afraid I'll go back to having to sit in the local A&E to get through my days.

Does anyone else have this experience? If so, what do you do to manage/cope?

(Apologies if this posted twice. I'm getting used to being here again)

 

[joeylittle]

Does anyone else have this experience? If so, what do you do to manage/cope?

I do.

DBT distress tolerance skills are usually where I go, to deal with it. Distraction, mostly. And distractions that require mindfulness, even better. I find that if I can just get out of my own head for 10-20 minutes, I can often then proceed with some other task and stay present with it as well.

It helps to have a daily list of goals. They don't have to be big or complicated, you can gage them based off of what your overall capacity is. In really rough times my list will include a few self-care things, a few steps for an actual task I need to do, and some kind of light physical exercise.

I'll come back and write more about those, if you'd find it useful.

The important thing to remember is that you do need to put your mind somewhere else. It doesn't need to be an especially complex thing (that you redirect your thoughts to) - in fact, the worse we feel, the simpler it needs to be.

 

[NatBird]

Thank you for this @joeylittle

I keep thinking about DBT but the groups are so expensive and there is nothing on offer within the healthcare system where I live. Perhaps I can teach myself online or find a book although I find group work better.

Today I tried to focus on something else by getting across the road to a Yoga class. It helped a bit and led to me making myself a decent meal. I've also done some writing to get shit out of my head to where I can see it, get some distance from it.

The trouble arrives when I try to do something that relates to goals, work I NEED to do. In this suicidal flooding it's near impossible because the critic just begins a low mumbling, that turns into a growl and then shouting.

In this instance I find it hard to 'get on' with things I need to do because it activates me. I know it's not an excuse. Just explaining what happens. Does this make sense?

Thanks again for your time and response.

 

[joeylittle]

In this instance I find it hard to 'get on' with things I need to do because it activates me. I know it's not an excuse. Just explaining what happens. Does this make sense?

Tons of sense. I'm struggling with similar right now.

 

[Tinyflame]

Me too.

Not sure if it's helpful, but to recognize it's related to shame (or fear, or loss, etc). And to forcibly try to remember a moment without it, or when the shame was turned around to being not-shamed when you expected it.

I frequently experience it when I do something different/ in a different way, or ask for help, or feel abandoned, or experience abuse or otherwise feel hopeless.

Hope this makes sense, having a hard time writing.

Hope you (both) feel better soon.

 

[Ms Priss]

Toxic shame is a huge issue with me.

What works best for me when I can get myself to move is exerting energy. It seems to calm my whole system.

Sometimes it paralyzes me so all I can do is tolerate the distress knowing at some point it will pass.

Have learned at least with me when it is really intense, there is no reasoning with it...better to ride it out than resist it.

The positive of all this is that now I know what it is because before I did not have a clue, and it drove me to some bad decisions and harmful behaviors .

What I also notice is I can be having a decent day but an intrusive thought comes out of nowhere and can start the whole cycle. So sometimes I just keep saying to myself...it's just an intrusive thought...say it over and over.

I have to remember this stuff is well entrenched in my brain and has been there for years so it will not be overcome overnight ...so persevere with the new tools and patience and gentleness with myself are good things for me to practice...wish I could say I do it well all the time....progress not perfection...even the tiniest slightest bit of progress needs to be celebrated...by me.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@NatBird If the courses are too expensive, how about getting the DBT workbook from a bookstore or Amazon??????

 

[NatBird]

Me too.

Not sure if it's helpful, but to recognize it's related to shame (or fear, or loss, etc). And...

Thank you. It is helpful to identify the emotion and recognise a time without it. I think I might picture a time and try to use it as a resource, although as I imagine myself cycling through my district without a care enjoying the lips of blossoms falling the voice knocks the picture off the table, stamps on it and says 'that was just denial'.

Apologies for the elaborate descriptions. Just the way I am! Thanks for your comment and support.

 

[NatBird]

@NatBird If the courses are too expensive, how about getting the DBT workbook from...

Yes think I need to do that. Is there one in particular you would recommend?

 

[Deleted member 541]

I would think just looking a Amazon or asking here if anyone knows of a good one. I took the course, so sorry, I don't know.....

 

[NatBird]

Toxic shame is a huge issue with me.

What works best for me when I can get myself to move is exerti...

Thank you.
Yes I find that exercise helps too, as long as it's not being the summo wrestler descending to it's throne, which happens to be my chest on that morning. Mornings are the worst.

And thanks for the reminder - patcience with the changes that take time:)

Thanks for your comment and support.

 

[NatBird]

I would think just looking a Amazon or asking here if anyone knows of a good one. I took the course, so...

Thank you:)