Does my t really not care or am i projecting?

[Scarlet13]

Hello all,

I don't know if you can help me. Does it ever feel like your therapist just doesn't care?
I am sure this is in my own head.
But I was talking about my progress today and I was so excited and my T was just ho hum.
She has a limited schedule and this is also bothering me. It is so easy to think of finding a new T. One who is fully invested in me at all times. Not realistic I know.
I love my therapist. I was disassociating in therapy today and I noticed all the details in her shirt, so I grounded myself in her. I was disassociating because we were talking about how I had misunderstood her and this caused fear.

I have such intense attachment anxiety that I worry so much about my T just not caring anymore and abandoning me.

I worry she will just stop wanting to work with me. Like she will just get over me because I bore her, or annoy her. She just seemed tired and not engaged today. This is hard because I ache so much to see her. f*ck this maternal attachment!
I don't know how to cope with the fact that she will not always be connected to me. She is human. It just hurts. And then I don't know if maybe she was really present and I am just projecting the "she just doesn't care" onto her. I had been talking today about the recent visit with my mother and basically how my mother will never love me, so maybe this is being projected. But what if it is real? If you have similar issues how do you handle it? I don't want to find a new T. I just don't know what to do.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have felt like my therapist only cares because she's getting paid to. I worry that she doesn't really care and will just leave me. The way I best handle it is by talking to her about it. It wasn't easy and the first time I really did was through a letter that I mailed to her because I didn't want to be face to face. It ended up working really well and now I feel I can talk to her when those fears come up.

 

[Scarlet13]

Thanks for your reply. Since writing this I have started to feel like harming myself and having suicidal thoughts. This sucks because I don't self harm because I am too OCD and so the thoughts just stay in there getting more vivid until I finally start using some freaking skills.
It feels so real that she hates me, is bored by me, doesn't want to work with me, is stressed out by me. Just last week I felt strongly that I wanted her to fully heal me, I felt so connected to her and now today I just want to comb thru psychology today to find a new T but then that's triggering. I f*ckING hate this. I hate having a maternal transference. I don't want to love her so much because it feels like she doesn't give a f*ck about me. I don"t want to tell her because I don't want to offend her.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I was once mad at my T so I actually went through Psychology Today and contacted another therapist, but I couldn't go through with it. Eventually, I talked things out with my therapist. The way I look at it now that I've been through talking with her about these things, it's better to talk about it than avoid it. I hope you find some skills to help you with the thoughts of self-harm and suicide.

 

[Briellewannabe]

Scarlet, the feelings you are experiencing are very real, but they are based on your perceptions that may be different from your T's. I imagine that she does not feel the things you think she does; in fact, you seem to contradict yourself. You say she's bored by you, but also that she's stressed by you--those two don't seem to go together for me. You're assigning her a lot of things that she hasn't explicitly expressed, and that's a little unfair to your T. I'm not saying she isn't definitely feeling those, but I'm saying I know what it's like being in a mindset where I try to mind read and think I know what the other person is saying---it's always in the negative towards myself! But that doesn't make it true.

Before you find a new therapist maybe you should talk to her about these things. It will happen again and again I imagine even with a new T, so getting used to sharing about feelings towards your T is part of the healing process as well, as there needs to be mutual trust and understanding. Give her a chance to tell you how she feels.

 

[Scarlet13]

I was once mad at my T so I actually went through Psychology Today and contacted another t...

Yes, thanks. I am getting into the skills. There can sometimes be a lag time. I have already talked to my T about this so much that I feel stupid continuing to bring it up.
I feel so frustrated with this attachment insecurity that I just want to take like a month off.

Scarlet, the feelings you are experiencing are very real, but they are based on your perceptions...

Thanks for your insights. Yes, I contradict myself in how I think my T feels which really does point to me projecting as opposed to this really being the case, I find this insight comforting. I have to say though, that I hate the whole "apart of the healing process" thing right now. It feels like I cannot tolerate this attachment to her. I cannot tolerate the what if she does not care, when I care so much. I hate telling her my bull shit trauma because she has heard it all before. I am trying to figure out how to care less so this bothers me less.

 

[AnonymousGirl99]

Scarlet,

I am soooo right there with you. I'm on my third therapist and it has happened every time. I know it's not comforting right now, but I think the only way to "care less" is to work through the issues. It feels unbearable. It feels like you want to self-harm. Christ, it feels like you want to die sometimes. I know. I just went through another rough session like this last week. I hate feeling like I'm spending so much time in therapy ON therapy, but really, the attachment and the fear of abandonment sound like issues that you need to work through. Whether you sit in therapy and talk about how you felt these things about your mother/father/sister/friend/etc. or whether you sit in therapy and talk about how these feelings are being really intensely transferred to your therapist doesn't seem to make much of a difference. It's bound to be painful either way, unfortunately. It's just the work.

One therapist I had used to say, "the only way through it is through it." I really encourage you to stick with your therapist if you feel she's a good enough fit and she's helping you. I also encourage you to really keep talking about this with her. It is not bullshit. Your trauma is not bullshit. I say all of this to you wishing I could believe it for myself. But I believe it for you. Think if a friend were going through this. What would you say to her?

I hope you find an ounce of peace in this situation. I know how hard it is. PM me if you want to talk some more.

<3
E

 

[The Albatross]

Projection, cuz you're having a conversation, making decisions... but it's all in your head. Agree with Briellewannabe.

 

[EveHarrington]

Yeah, the only way to make this better is by working through the issues. I used to have weird attachment issues with therapists, but now that I'm in a better place I don't have those kinds of attachment issues. I think once you can find healthy relationships in your life, you'll be less likely to need/want to attach to your therapist so much.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I know your feelings really well!!!! It sucks. It sucks so so so so so much. It helps to talk about all of it with her. I wait until I'm ready to explode and then read a bunch of really humiliating stuff. Then we're good again until next time. I'm doing well with it now but it comes and goes. It's been 3 weeks since I've seen her and it will be another week til I see her again. The breaks do help until you go again. I wonder if it's worth it all the time. If there's a way through it. I mean, I guess it doesn't matter what we do, does it? We're all just passing time until we die lol. So if you want to spend time there then spend it. You can get through the feelings. If you think she can help you then it might be a good plan to stay put. How does she reassure you?

 

[PointlessExistence]

Maybe she was 100% focused and compassionate the whole time, and you misread it...or...maybe she sees you as a paycheck.

Probably it's somewhere in the middle. As in: she genuinely likes you, but she is not the woman you want her to be. Her kindness and compassion is limited by her selfishness (for lack of a better word).

For instance, let's imagine she has a busy weekend coming up with family coming and she has to plan it out. She cares about you enough that she can get that fully out of her head for 45 minutes and focus on you. But then let's imagine she's in the process of buying a new house and she needs her ducks in a row before closing. Maybe in that case, she chooses her own needs over yours.

Your distress comes from not looking at people realistically. You want her to be what you want her to be, and if she's anything less, then you feel hurt. Believe me, I can understand that so well in general, and especially when it comes to therapy. You feel like progress is dependent on how much you can trust her and how much of a bond you feel between you. After all how can you tell her your secrets and fears if you don't have that connection.

And there lies the problem with people like us. The abandonment issues, the maternal issues, all that. But as long as we keep a therapist as a sort of surrogate to get what we never got, then we're never going to get anywhere. Don't get me wrong - a therapist should pay attention to you 100%, and you should always get your money's worth. But just as you keep boundaries with her in the physical world, remember to keep similar boundaries with her in your head. If liking her too much makes that difficult to do, then find someone else.

A T's not there to make up for what you don't have. She or he is there to make you realize that you have everything you need right there inside you.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Maybe she was 100% focused and compassionate the whole time, and you misread it...or...maybe...

I completely agree with this except for maybe the part about finding someone else. If someone is super attach-y then the same thing will likely happen with any therapist. There are routes other than therapy or an online therapist might give you the distance needed to not make that same link that's so troubling but I've heard good things from people who have stuck it out. But it's so important to talk about. I have this issue and I added an online therapist. She helps me with my goals/values, my present day stuff. And I talk to her about the transference for the in-person t. It helps a lot to do that and not feel so crazy. I talk to both about it but with "mother" t it's just messy. I don't know, either, what to do. While I have the money I will keep both and see if the tips my talkspace therapist gave me will help.