Final disclosure for trauma...

[J_trustno1]

Hi all,

I'm writing on this form after a long while. However, I would to discuss few things here and would like some advise on this from you guys.

I have been in therapy for quite some time (i.e. almost 4 years now) and had quite ups and downs. Along with therapy I have been on antidepressants for 4 yrs continuously and on/off for 11 years prior to this.

My PTSD started in 2011 and things started getting worse 2012 with so many flashbacks and memories of abuse (sexual, physical, verbal and emotional) started returning and becoming more and more vivid towards end of 2013 when I was suicidal (regularly visited the bridge and planned my own death but never acted on it). I have resolved many internal conflicts but still have trauma based fears to deal with because they are not letting me sit at peace:

• I'm losing my sleep, anxiety is rising, racing thoughts in my head and no inner peace
• I still haven't confronted my abusers and until this matter is not resolved I will not be at peace because whenever I bring my abusers into discussion at therapy I'm always teary.
• I was not allowed to speak up (was always shut up by my mother) and confront my abusers for their behavior when I was going through abuse as a child.

Because of the above issues I keep coming back to square one in my therapy and this has been a pattern of my life. I use education or exercise as a coping mechanism but still haven't resolved the main problem that gives me this depression and all these behavioral issues. As a result of my trauma and not actually having a voice I have become:

• Very passive and as a result my career and social interactions are suffering. I have been a office doormat in my previous jobs.
• To cope with my passiveness at work, I cry at home and my energy is being wasted at questioning people's behavior and then going all the way back to past.

Due to this suppressed inner child's voice I am not able to get out of these issues and suffering inside. I have always wanted to confront my abusers and question their behavior. I know that it will not get me any result nor I want to get any results from them. I do not expect anything from them but I can't keep this inner child shut up forever because it actually is affecting my day to day life.

Therefore, in therapy we (myself and my counselor) have discussed writing letter to all three of my abuser and confronting them. I will be emailing these letters when I'm ready and will be sending it to their entire family (Will CC everyone in it) so that they all know what their parents or spouses are up to. I know that it may sound stupid but I really want to confront them. I have been keeping this pain for the last 20+ years and can't keep it any more. I'm done and it's about time I allow this inner child speak her mind and have a voice.

Please feel free to put your thoughts forward.

Thanks in advance.

Regards,

Jas

P.S. Excuse my typo and errors: (i.e. Closure, Forum)***

 

[illusionist]

I totally understand why you want to confront the abusers and think it may help you....but I'm struggling to understand why you would involve their entire family?

....just my thought.

 

[J_trustno1]

Well, I have never been allowed to talk to these people and most of the times they became verbally abusive. I told the peodphiles wife about his deeds 4 years ago and she has known the entire incident from the beginning and instead of questioning her husband she questioned me if it really happened??? The other abusers I confronted regarding their verbal or emotional abuse, they became verbally abusive and twisted their words to shift blame on me and guilt tripped me.

Now, I'm the one who has been going through these after effects of trauma instead of them. They don't even remember what they've done is wrong and perfectly moving on with their lives.

I don't care how they live but I want to question their sick behaviour towards me and why they have done what they done. They can't just forget what they've done without accepting they have hurt someone.

 

[Sideways]

They can't just forget what they've done without accepting they have hurt someone.

They can, and abusers often do. And if you've already experienced them twisting things to shame you, and excuse themselves/their loved ones, you'd be making yourself incredibly vulnerable to being isolated and attacked.

Have you thought about reporting to the police instead? That way at least they answer to the police rather than directly to you - the police would essentially act as a filter and give you some protection from the backlash.

 

[J_trustno1]

All those things happened 20 yrs ago and I wonder if police will believe me??

 

[Fadeaway]

I think it is a great idea, I have wanted to do something similar for a long time. I think CC'ing well help hold them accountable. The police well believe you, but not much they can do at this point. You are already no contact right? If not, do not engage in any communication, no matter how tempting it is afterwards. They may pretend like they are trying to express guilt and be apologetic, but they will rope you back into their game and turn it back around on you. So, absolutely no contact afterwards. No accepting messages they have given others to give to you.

 

[illusionist]

If you have already confronted them, then be ready for the same reaction....will it really make things better for you to cover old ground.....that's what I'd be asking myself.

 

[Friday]

1) Pragmatic : Are you wholly self supporting on your own, yet? If you're still living with these people, I would plan a series of worst case scenarios out with your therapist. If A happens, then B. If C happens, then D. Etc.

2) Psychological : Do you have plans in place if confronting them doesn't lessen your symptoms as you hope, but increases them, instead?

 

[shimmerz]

You know, I have attempted repeatedly to make my abusers accountable. Abusers are experts at throwing their shame on anyone who is NOT them. They will stop at nothing - absolutely nothing, to deflect, project, and abuse again. They have already formed a solid 'support circle' around them. They most likely have created an atmosphere where their victims are considered 'mentally ill' (read: liars, morons, village idiot of the family/group, not to be listened to), so they have backing. Most likely, you don't.

I am concerned that you are so intent on trying to make them accountable. I worry that you may be setting yourself up for yet another betrayal.
What are you thinking will happen? Will everyone open their eyes and see things differently and believe you? Will they all turn on your abusers? Will they all finally love you? What is the prize here for you and how will it look if this/these letters are effective?

On the flip side, has your counseling shored up your resiliency enough that you can take on a group of abusers and their groupies? Can you take any of the barbs/spears/arrows that they may throw at you without making yourself ill? Retraumatizing you?

I question your counselor backing you up on this one. The nature of an abuser that is trying to contain a secret is to render you virtually helpless. So, I am just going to suggest that your abuser/abusers would actually love you to send out a letter to everyone in the family. It gives them another opportunity to strengthen the bond between them and their groupies.

You sending out a letter, I believe will just be more fodder for further victimization against you. And I worry about that for you.

 

[J_trustno1]

I have written a letter for my father because I have NEVER confronted him and I am going to make him aware how his behaviour has hurt me. My father needs to know how his gender discrimination has affected me. I'm not going to let anything on earth to stop me from confronting my father. I don't care if he realises this or not but his mistreatment had caused me so much suffering! I see those loving father and daughter relationships and i miss that bond! My mother has stopped me from confronting him all these years because he will not change but he needs to know about the damage he has caused!.

 

[shimmerz]

I'm not going to let anything on earth to stop me from confronting my father.

Yes, understood. I have been there. My only concern is whether you have the resilience at this point in time to take, and still be standing, what most certainly, will be thrown at you when you send the letter.

Timing is everything.

 

[Rani G2]

Pragmatic : Are you wholly self supporting on your own, yet? If you're still living with these people, I would plan a series of worst case scenarios out with your therapist. If A happens, then B. If C happens, then D. Etc.

2) Psychological : Do you have plans in place if confronting them doesn't lessen your symptoms as you hope, but increases them, ins

Best way to handle it! This is useful for me as well