Feeling non-human

[AnD]

I started processing a new trauma in therapy almost 2 weeks ago. I started feeling extremely tired after that.

Went to therapy a week later and crashed a couple of days after that.

My trauma is my sister crushing my spirit until I break and become an animal, just screaming and not able to process anything.

I have flashbacks of this moment, seeing myself hiding and hearing my screams.

I often feel as if I don't belong, that I am not human and I am trying to imitate others to seem human. I used to think, as a child, that aliens kidnapped and operated on me and that was why I was so strange. I still sort of feel like an alien walking amongst the rest.

Any advice? Or even someone else feeling like this?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I often feel as if I don't belong, that I am not human and I am trying to imitate others to seem human.

I never felt like a normal human being either. I spent a long time trying to explain to others about me, caused myself more problems doing that.

I no longer try to explain myself to anyone anymore. It does get better. It is a child's logic to try to find reasons to explain why we are the way we are. My husband always thought that the milkman was his father which was finally settled when he took a DNA test and established that his father was his father.

I totally hear and believe you and understand why you feel the way you do.:hug:

 

[AnD]

Thanks, @Rain for sharing.

I know what you mean by telling it causes issues. When I tell someone and they don't understand, I feel even more non-human.

I wonder if it is abandonment depression, feeling excluded and punished. I am so sick of it. I want out of this feeling.

I think you are right about it being a child's logic. Sad about your husband, having to feel that way.

 

[AnD]

And I am also worried that how I feel close and intense with my parts is stopping me from having a human relationship. It can never be as close or intense as with my parts.

Does anyone know to deal with that?

 

[Lössnus]

I do feel like that, but..
I wouldn't say that we're aliens, not at all, we are diffrent because we've got more life experience that most people.

And when it comes to mimicking, I do that too.
We all want to be "normal" but we fail to realize there's no such thing as "normal". We're the way we are, and the only thing we can do is try to be as good of a person as one can be.
Nothing else matters when it comes to being "human" & "normal".

The relationship part really only comes down to a few things.
Your partner has to be a genuinely nice person.
Your partner has to be willing to understand and help, sometimes even not help and just give space.
You must give your partner trust and explain the emotions (at least the ones you can name) and thoughts that you're having.

At the end of the day, the people who are not "normal" are the ones who causes PTSD, among many other things.

Och om du nu faktiskt skulle vara en alien, så kan vi vara aliens tillsammans.

 

[AnD]

I do feel like that, but..
I wouldn't say that we're aliens, not at all, we are diffrent because we've...

Thanks, for your kind words. It has started a process in me. Especially about relationships. Thanks

 

[Lössnus]

Anytime.
Poke me if you need me.

 

[ladee]

An "aha moment when @Lössnus said it is the abusers that are not human!!
I have many times felt as tho I was "acting" as nothing outside my own life made much sense. I just did not understand. Still don't sometimes.
I felt this way more at the beginning of my healing.
Somewhere self acceptance happened along the way.
Its hard to function in a world that doesn't understand and is so quick to judge.
I can't change the world, but I can and did change myself and the way I see myself in the world.
And coming here I feel our "normal" which is a Good thing.
We learned how to survive. Now we are learning to thrive. We are not alone.
And I do believe in my heart we are the REAL humans.
Gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[Lössnus]

Its hard to function in a world that doesn't understand and is so quick to judge.

Word.
And I apologize, I suppose it as fairly unclear of me.

 

[AnD]

An "aha moment when @Lössnus said it is the abusers that are not human!!
I have many...

Thanks for the hugs. And for you taking @Lössnus thoughts and process and share them.

It made me think of taking on the abusers' point of view. I guess I have made them my own. Yet, it is still true. I know when I process trauma I can understand things in my head, but my emotions are lagging behind. It seems to be this way here too.

I have this naive dream of you guys saying something that will make me human. I know it is impossible, and still, I long for it.

This is a deep and very real pain inside of me.

The thoughts just keep coming back to me. I am not human, I am not human.

You know, I am still not used to being this. Having a body, having this mind. I know, it sounds insane. What else have I experienced?

I have to share this, even though it scares me. What on earth will you think of me.

My body leaks tears and other body fluids. My mind does things I don't want it to do. And so on. How do I get used to this?

 

[ladee]

With time. I am so sorry for both of us and everyone here, that we had to shut down our vulnerable human self and turn into surviving animals, only to get this far to find out no one has THE answer. If I had the answer I would share it.
And what do I think of you?
That you are bleeding to death and wanting the pain to STOP. But be alive and have purpose and be happy sometime. I think you are sharing from a scared yet sacred place of pain . and I wish for both of us that we had a different life.
But we have this one. Nothing fair or right about any of it.
But I will tell you we are some of the strongest, bravest beings on this planet.
You are human because of the things you desire. And you are sharing from the dark place you are in, and you are being HEARD.
What I think of you is how incredibly brave you are.
Who do you know with the courage to go on a public forum and say you don't feel human. Hon that is courage personified.
Time. But you are not alone And I don't know if that brings you solace or not.
But we can and will do this.
Don't disappear five minutes before the miracle happens.
All I have is experiance, hope for both of us and gentle hugs.
We CAN do this!

 

[AnD]

With time. I am so sorry for both of us and everyone here, that we had to shut down our vulnerable human...

Your words. Wow. Straight to my heart. I am crying now. I will read your posts a few times. It is a lot to take in.

I was thinking that I should open up to heal this non-human pain. With your words I can see it might work. Even if no one will even give me such a beautiful reply ever again. It might work even if I get hurt.