Childhood Saw my abuser on the train...

[Stills]

The other day I saw him on the train. He had the same mole on the left side of his cheek, but he's much older now. I didn't feel panicky, but I felt confused and was kind of like frowning. I stared at him the entire time, and I told myself it's probably not him, but if it is, he'd get off at this one stop because I previously saw him on that bus from the station like a few years ago. And then he got off at that stop. I got off at my stop which is now a different stop because I moved and I just hurried off, like I wanted to get home. I was on my bus and I remembered my pre school, the smell, the flooring, saw myself leaving with him at one time. I'm so annoyed!!!!!!!!!! My brain just doesn't get the full picture until it does, but anyways luckily I'm starting counselling again for the first time tomorrow. I'm scared to bring this forward. I feel like I deserved the pain, that he instilled something deep inside me. I don't want to bring this forward in therapy because I feel that I can't afford to be any more upset than I already am, but I know what I need to do, and I need to address this? Do you feel better talking about it in therapy, like it does it actually help long term?

 

[Chem Lady]

Absolutely. For many reason, some I probably don't recognize enough to put into words. But being honest about my abuse has helped me with the shame I used to feel (like you do). The abuse was not deserved and not your fault. Speaking about it with someone who can put some perspective to it can help remove the shame and take away the power of the situation.
If I don't talk about it, I just have this constant, lower-level feeling of being upset. If I talk about it honestly, I might feel lower for awhile, but that ebbs away and I can live more normally afterward. I'd rather face something and feel better later.
Being honest about what happened also helps me not be abusive to others. I recognize what was wrong and I'm careful to watch for those same behaviours in myself. It has helped me be a better person than I was.
It also helps me recognize some of my current behaviours that were poor coping mechanisms; or understand why I respond with fear or terror in certain situations. In short, I understand myself better.
I feel abused again when I keep my experiences and reactions a secret from others.
I think it's well-worth being honest. About your close contact with this person and past contact and how you feel about it. Of course, you know yourself and you may feel differently. This is just my opinion.

 

[Stills]

Absolutely. For many reason, some I probably don't recognize enough to put into words. But being hone...

thank you for your response. I think it screwed me up more than I like to admit and I want to be a better person.