Childhood Was i molested as a child - is this a body memory?

[Juniper117]

Hi I am 38 years old and have been working on myself. I have entered therapy for an abusive marriage and only had one session but was told I most likely have ptsd from marriage which then I guess made me think about this started before marriage. This week all of a sudden after feeling vulnerable and looking into why I feel scared of being vulnerable and why I let people take advantage of me and why I'm always unhappy in love and why I always have to feel in control in relationships and life in general I came up with old memories of childhood and it brought me to a memory of maybe molestation. All week I have been telling myself to remember and asking how I feel etc I am haunted by thoughts and feelings of being molested as a child. I have never really had this before in all my life but I am thinking I kept it surpressed and disassociated from it. I have always kind of wondered if I was because I always make it difficult for sex to start up and I fight it off but never thought much about it. I have always felt depressed and anxious and have issues with love and trust. Anyway this week anytime I question if I was molested (I cant remember details) I get tingly in my private and I cry a lot. Also In my head I have a conversation with my mom for her to help me and answer this for me and I cry hard and almost fall over crying and helpless its like I know that she knows the answer but I also feel like she will not tell me the truth. Today I was trying to think of people I could ask to verify if this happened and I came up with nobody will verify this for me because if it did in fact happen it was kept a secret and it stopped and everyone went on like life was normal and fine and nothing happened, even me acted like it didn't (if it really did?). When I said to myself that nobody will verify this for me I went into sobs almost like I already know it is true and then I cried very very hard yelling OMG and my private kept arousing and I kept closing my legs tight and putting my hand there and wanting it to stop and I felt shame and then I cried more and went into almost what was like it was happening and I kept yelling stop stop stop and hitting my thighs and closing my legs tight. I never had this before but since this realization came to mind this week I keep telling myself I want to know and I want to remember and then today this happened and it was strong and like out of body experience of reenactment almost I feel like it is a body memory trying to tell my mind. I did not know anything about Body memory until this happened today and I started researching. I really want verification that this happened but I feel like it must have because of what I experienced today, it was crazy. Just looking for thoughts or if anyone can relate or have experienced this. Thank you


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[Supervixn]

Its a difficult time and you want to stop this reaction from happening, but this is a very crucial healing moment for you. I can tell you from experience that when this kind of thing you described happened to me, it was the very beginning of the road to healing.

The mind will do what it must to protect the integrity of its person. But no, the body doesn't forget. The trauma is pushed into some dark corner and once you get to a certain level of safety, your mind tries to integrate parts from your subconscious into your consciousness, so that you can start relieving yourself of some of this.

You may never have answers... and even through the discomfort of confusion, it may be better to not be fully remembered. The mind is capable of amazing things.

I say trust the process. Have support. Have people to talk to who don't think you're crazy. The stuff you described seems very normal for a CSA survivor, and you'll only make it harder on yourself if you don't accept these confusing, uncomfortable moments as part of the healing process. Let it happen. It's supposed to. Trust it. Take care of yourself

When what you are describing first started happening to me, I was horrified. I didnt know what was wrong with me. But like you, I had a strong intuitive knowledge deep inside that was inaccessible to me, that confirmed and explained why I was experiencing what I was. It's a confusing time. Try to make sense of what you can, and when you can't, acknowledge and accept confusion WITH the confidence that you will one day have a clearer understanding, and most importantly, you won't hurt so much. You will feel a lot better and a lot stronger one day.

 

[LeahRuth]

I agree with Supervixen. This sounds like a lot more than body memory. This sounds like real live memory to me. It's all coming to the surface, and like you said more than once in your post, you already know in your heart that it is true. The same thing happened to me. I was a mess for a long time, but I came through it in the end. It happened to me when I was 23, but I know a lot of other women who had it happen when they were your age and even a lot older. It can come out at any time, and it's just as devastating no matter when it comes.

So your family knew and covered it up. Welcome to the club. That's abusive families. Mine was the same way, and my sister and my mom still deny that it happened. Don't expect them to give you the answers. They will do anything to stop you bringing this to light. Get the answers from yourself and trust the message your body and mind and heart and soul are giving you. Let the tears out. They will help to heal you. Get ready to protect yourself in a serious way from hostile family members. People you knew and loved your whole life will turn on you, and they can get very nasty when it comes to protecting the status quo and their family's image.
Peace and love to you. Coming to this realization can be a good thing. It doesn't feel like this at first, but later you will realize it's better to live the truth than a lie.

 

[Mach123]

Yes, this is what it's like. I am so involved in body memory now and I exercise like mad to deal with it. Our sex life took a dramatic turn recently and I'm really in love but it's like fighting, and we are both acting out old stuff till it seems almost like nothing is real sometimes. The whole first part of our marriage I disassociated during sex then in my 40's I realized I had been sexually abused. I don't remember the actual event that started it all. I just remember the things I did and wanted to do and what I was like. My wife had abuse in her background, it's like we were made for each other, lol. I often have thought when we are arguing, the two of us are not even there, it's other people that are actually arguing, people from the past.
I did one day long group session on body work which has been the only trauma thing I have done with other people in person except for therapy. Now the therapist says we are going to go off in a different direction and do some body work, and maybe some EMDR which I am excited about.
I was always intrigued when things came on TV about repressed memories, there's one X-Files episode in particular that I remember. A young girl was "remembering. It felt like me, like I was involved in the episode. I thought I had an overactive imagination. Before I even found out any of this I used to wonder if I had repressed memories of something, but I didn't know what. Again I thought it was all a fantasy. I know now the repressed memories are stored in the body, I can feel it.
I'm sorry this is happening to you on the one hand and on the other hand, I'm glad that you're beginning your journey. It comes out in its own time, but after years of doing this the only thing I'm really sure of is, it all has to come out.

 

[Deleted member 44517]

Overactive imagination. . .what I thought all my problems were. :(

 

[Deleted member 8714]

You may never have answers...

My answers didn't come until my mother died in 2010. Up until that time I had body memories and sensations and no memories of the sexual abuse. I had memories of physical, emotional, and psychological abuse. I thought that was all I'd ever get. And then my mother died and out came memories through flashbacks at first. The strangest were in the shower. I had intrusive thoughts and then sudden flashbacks. Of course I thought I just had an active imagination. And then the memories flooded my mind.

Overactive imagination. . .what I thought all my problems were.

Yes, that's what I believed and my mother, a narcissist, kept telling. She said I had a creative imagination. In other words, that I was a liar. She even told my husband that shortly after we were married. She took him aside and told him I was a little crazy and to not tell me about their conversation. It's the first thing my husband did when he got home.

@Juniper117 To be honest, it took me years of denial to get to a point of believing anything other than mental/emotional/physical abuse took place in my childhood. That's all I ever remembered. It was crazy enough remembering that without any gap in timeline. I had no other memories. And then I started to remember in 1988 and thought I was imagining it.

I used to sing a song by the Temptations, Just My Imagination, and only the chorus:
"But it was just my imagination
Running away with me
It was just my imagination
Running away with me."

It fit my denial level and I believed that for at least 10 years.

And the other song I sang was The Way We Were. The song fit so well with what happened to me.

So you're not alone in this, sadly, yet true.

 

[simplysawa]

Hi I am 38 years old and have been working on myself. I have entered therapy for an abusive marriage...

From what you wrote it sounds like you are remembering, the memories are fragmented so it will come back in pieces, sometimes you just feel or smell something, other times its just emotions, it is confusing sometimes when you get images with no emotion and vice versa but its still valid.