I need some love

[nowthisisme]

I feel so lonely and scared of whats happening to me. I have a loving family, great job, wonderful coworkers, and a fun energetic workout team .. yet i feel soo lonely. I left my house at 7:30am and didnt make it back home till 9:30pm. i was surrounded by people the full 14 hours i was out of the house. Why do i feel like i want more attention from people. I was thinking or harming myself just so someone can hug me. Just so someone can ask me if i was ok and to ask if i needed help.

I dont hug people, eveyone knows i dont like being touched. No one knows about my PTSD, not even my husband, I'm not ready to talk about it to anyone.

what can i do to fill that void? I just want some love and affection. My husband loves me dearly and he always wants to hug and cuddle me but lately i cant stand him lol .. i feel bad for saying it but i cant be normal with him anymore. I cant love him back the way he loves me.

My life is upside down and i just want someone to hold my hand and walk with me through it.
I'm in so much pain ☹

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

It may sound cliche' as all get out, but honestly, the only way I felt truly loved was once I finally learned how to healthily love myself.

Meaning from what I feed myself daily, to how I speak to myself, to what I use on and around my body, how I communicate with others, etc., etc. It took a medical emergency to force me into most of those changes, though, as I rarely enter into anything that's truly helpful with much grace.

I, too, had what was considered to most as being a great job, a great husband (although I openly shared my abuses and such prior to getting married), two step-kids who thrived in their endeavors, and an active community life through volunteering, regularly socializing, and such.....but I felt empty, unloved, unnoticed, unappreciated...no matter how much effort I put into doing more, more, more. Then I took on the act of speaking up against unethical practices within my workplace, and woah, all the shit hit all the fans from every angle imaginable and my foundation started to fall.

Unfortunately, for me, it took having almost all of that come crashing down around me to see just how busy I was at filling everyone else's love cups while never tending to my own.

I don't have specific answers for your situation, only a nod of support and recognition in knowing how that state of existence feels. Take good care of you, from the inside out. Wishing you wellness.

 

[Scarlet13]

So I have told many people that I trust about my ptsd and abuse and this helps. The isolation you are feeling could be from keeping your truth inside.
It helps with shame to share what makes you feel shame and then receive acceptance.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it would be a good idea to open up to someone about the abuse.

How about starting with a therapist?

:hug:

 

[nowthisisme]

It may sound cliche' as all get out, but honestly, the only way I felt truly loved was once I...

Thank you! You know the funny thing is, everytime i see a mom stressed i give her the same advice, "take care of youself first, you need to be healthy and well cared for" ..
Ha it's so much hard to actually do it!

 

[nowthisisme]

I think it would be a good idea to open up to someone about the abuse.

How about starting with...

I started therapy a couple of months ago. I only had 4 session because she only works weekends and I'm not available every weekend.

You guys are right, since i started therapy and realized i need to talk about it, i started feeling this way. I feel like there is 1000lbs on my chest and i just can breath from it.

I'm not sure when i would be able to actually tell her about it, my hands start shaking if i want to write it, so the words actually coming out of my mouth seem impossible. And i cant remember everything anyway.

Did you guys have a hard time telling someone? When was the first time you spoke about it? how was that persons reaction? (if you dont mind sharing)

 

[richard_Grey_Area]

I feel so lonely and scared of whats happening to me. I have a loving family, great job, wonderful...

Hello nowthisisme.
I tend to say things which are not always helpful at times and the way I put things across sometimes often gives the impression that I feel I have answers or speak from some authority.

What I have to say (only my insight, take it any way you like or don't) is that I think that as far as one human can understand another on this earth, I understand what you are feeling.

I have told everybody too much about my childhood sexual abuse, about how I hated people for a long time and hated myself when I wanted to feel loved and accepted because I saw this a form of weakness. But I made the decision to let myself love people, now I am struggling to find a way to love them in a way which is beneficial to all parties.

What I want to know is this:
What would someone loving you mean to you?
You have a loving husband (well, I certainly hope he is loving) and what does him loving you mean to you?
What would it mean if someone told you they loved you?
If they showed it in some way you didn't doubt?
(is that possible? - I don't mean this question as a from of judgement, I'm just remembering a time in my life when I would have really, really struggled to think of a way in which anyone could show me love in a way I didn't suspect)
What room have you made in yourself for love? for it to have any power in your life? for people loving you to change things?
How much faith do you have in love?
Do you want to know how to really, really hurt someone?
tell them "thank you" when they say that they love you, but continue by saying that it doesn't make any difference in your life.
I'm not trying to make you feel guilty here, I am only saying that love is like a saviour from some religion, it stands at the door to your heart and knocks. It has the power to pull you out of hell, but if you don't let it, it can't save you.
And when you deny the power that the love others do feel for you has over your life, when you let something else drown it, so it is impotent and left to dry out in a corner, it is not just you who suffers.

Those are my opinions, that is my observation.
I am sending love for what that is worth:)

 

[nowthisisme]

Hello nowthisisme.
I tend to say things which are not always helpful at times and the way I p...

Thank you for your thoughts. You made a good point, I posted this thread when I was at a very bad place, the love was surrounding me but I couldn't feel it. I was scared, worried, and thought I was all alone in this dark scary world.
Unfortunately I have been having a lot of those days lately, it's really hard when the shame and guilt holds you back from opening up to those who truly love and care about you.
I know my loved ones suffer when I am in an isolated state and it kills me. I pray and hope that I stop having those isolated days.