I don't know how to "do" relationships

[EveHarrington]

Yes, I confess, I don't know how to "do" relationships.

But then again, is it really a confession when it's plain as the nose on my face and everybody can see it?

I'm infamous for having relationships that last all of 15 minutes. Well, really, a few months at most. After a month or two the intensity starts to wane and the little things i used to overlook are now enough to make me walk away. This has happened ....so....many....times.

Those first few months of craziness? That's not "doing" a relationship. And the relationships (of sorts) that were longer were unspoken with no labels, or more on the casual side.

I am ashamed to be as old as I am (30's) and not have a clue about relationships. It's really embarrassing.

So here I am, at about 2.5 months in to my current relationship and I feel completely lost. Things have been going well. (Or have they? I can't tell.) Are the little (?) things that pop up here and there a reason to walk away? I don't know. I really don't know. Or are those things not so little? How much of my PTSD issues should I allow in the relationship before I admit I'm not ready to be in a relationship? (I have stayed away from serious relationships because I knew I wasn't healed enough and it would be cruel to put someone through that.)

I feel lost. I feel like I'm dragging him down into this PTSD hell. (I know it can be hell----how horrible am I for blindsiding someone with this disorder?)

My therapist and my boyfriend both tell me I am "normal" even though I insist I am not. (I was tag teamed in session with both of them once.) Yeah, it's totes normal to be THIS old and THIS clueless about relationships. Totes. I was reading the PTSD relationship book and it made a comment about how PTSD relationships aren't normal. Huh? Nice. Who am I supposed to believe? Is this normal or is this not normal. (And what right does some dumb author have to paint all PTSD relationships as not normal? Why not just say we don't deserve relationships because we are abnormal freaks? But I digress.)

I don't even know what I'm asking for. Maybe some feedback? Maybe some support? Maybe someone telling me I'm totally off base?

Thanks.

PS if you can't tell, I'm having urges to run like f*cking hell.

 

[Freida]

normal for the not normal ptsd relationship? All relationships have problems that have to be worked through after the honeymoon stage. Maybe that's the normal phase they are talking about? And its just a bit harder for us because of the ptsd? And hey - if he was willing to come to counseling with you to try to reassure you that he isn't worried -- maybe it's worth keeping him around a bit longer and see what happens next?

 

[LuckiLee]

I think what your guy and T mean is that you're "normal" for what you have been through. It's normal to have these issues after surviving trauma.

Not sure what your seeing as a problem in your relationship so I can't comment on the reasons you want to run for the hills.

Relationships are hard work and at least you're trying and learning.

I haven't read that book yet. Any good?

 

[EveHarrington]

I guess I don't even understand why people are in relationships if they are so much work.

Do people put up with it because they fear being alone? (I don't fear being alone. That's why I never really felt the need to be in a relationship.)

 

[bento]

I don't know. I kinda think worrying about normal is irrelevant. You have PTSD and what
you're dealing with now is your "normal". You learn how to do relationships from the
relationships you were surrounded with growing up. If these were deficient and you add PTSD
to the mix, you have issues. While it's natural to add shame to the mix (been there done that,
struggle not to keep doing that) it doesn't help you define what you want your relationships
to look like, and how you're going to get there moving forward.

I think that if we're dealing with a lot of dysregulation, it gets mighty hard to maintain relationships.
I know that I can want the Vulcan mind meld and then want a ton of space. Neither of those
relationships styles are comfortable for most. I've lost a lot of friends over the years by my
total lack of communication. And it's hard to pick up the thread when so much time has passed.
I've also been burnt by the "new best friend" thing turning sour after
oversharing and finding out that I either 1. attracted someone pathological or 2. scared someone
away.
What worked for me was to kept my PTSD out of my relationships as much as possible and see
them as support only at a certain level. Intimate, but not too intimate. But also I have started
to make sure that I maintain contact with friends instead of letting too much time go by.

I'm hoping that with my new found level of self reliance and connectedness, that it will help
with any future intimate relationships. I'm hoping anyways. Maybe that makes some sense.
Best of luck. Just please don't keep beating up on yourself for not having that ephemeral
normal we imagine everybody else has.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think what your guy and T mean is that you're "normal" for what you have been through. It's normal t...

See, that's the problem. I don't know the difference between normal relationship problems and the bad problems which signal the end of the relationship. By my way of thinking, any reason is a reason to walk away. I can't be what someone wants so it's best if they go find someone who is what they want. Life is to short to be with someone who isn't what you want, right?

The book is hit/miss. The examples can be pretty bad.

 

[EveHarrington]

normal for the not normal ptsd relationship? All relationships have problems that have to be worked thr...

Still struggling with what is a normal relationship problem and what is an abort, abort, abort! problem.

I really feel alone right now.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

My biggest lingering relationship problem I have is the way my husband eats cereal. I found this out when I started spending the night at his place while we were dating. People Do NOT CHANGE. 19 years later he is still the most annoying slurpy cereal eater on the planet.

They say the best way to maintain a relationship is to not have expectations of what it should be. That is the biggest cause of divorce as well. Unmet expectations.

You mentioned you want to keep it light/non-serious. I don't know how to do that. I think most relationships grow and become deeper over time whether you want them to or not.

Just take it one day at a time. It's okay to let someone care about you. It can be really nice actually.

 

[bento]

@TexCat I love your slurpy cereal eater example. Right, non-deal breaker. Crappy
mind games, manipulation, not showing up when planned, abusiveness (obviously)
are deal breakers. I guess we have to figure out what those deal breakers are.
And chill about the rest. And hopefully, enjoy each other's company! That helps : )

 

[LuckiLee]

I think a normal relationship problem is one where both parties address the issue, share concerns and ideas, then actually try to fix the problem.

An abort, abort, abort problem is one where it's addressed but neither party change or try to fix the issue.

Remember though you can't change anyone you can only change yourself.

(sorry, kinda just babbling) ;)

 

[barefoot]

I think there are probably plenty of people who would welcome an instruction manual for how to do relationships or how to have a successful marriage etc. Having PTSD does bring an extra layer of something into the relationship. But everyone - trauma survivor/person with PTSD or not - brings *something* to a relationship. And the stuff everyone brings can create challenges and couples just try to navigate their way through all the stuff together.

And I’m not saying that to dismiss how you’re feeling about this at all. But I do actually think it’s pretty “normal” to not have all the answers about what relationships “should” look like. Everyone just has to kind of try to work it out as they go along.

I have never really understood that whole “relationships are hard work” thing. I kind of agree with you - if it’s that hard work, why bother?! I suppose it takes patience at times, compromise, willingness to listen to and seek to understand each other.

If both people are not committed to listening, trying to understand, being willing to work through difficulties etc, it becomes a very one-sided relationship. When it’s only one person doing the work? Not good!

Is there something specific at the moment that you could share where we could maybe offer our thoughts on whether something sounds like a “normal relationship problem” or an “abort abort abort” situation? Or would that not be helpful?

Sorry you are struggling and feeling alone with this. I can promise you though that you are certainly not alone in finding relationships difficult and confusing.

 

[deeplyloved]

Well, I think you’re wonderful and always enjoy reading your posts. Relationships are hard work. They are necessary. I believe we need other people, fundamentally. I believe we cannot truly thrive alone. People disappoint and hurt us...and people also support and nurture and love and heal us. My husband drives me crazy and annoys me...and makes me laugh and challenges me and takes amazing care of me. We annoy one another and adore one another. It’s both. We never intentionally hurt one another. We always work things out and repair mistakes. I do believe love heals and there are people who can love every broken and bothersome part of us.

Hit reply too soon. Sorry. No one has a manual or knows how to do relationships right. We learn as we go with the people in our lives.