Combat pstd bf isolation behavior

[Nihur]

It makes sense that his behavior seems like a reaction to some kind of “terror”. Because it’s irrational. There...

The shutting out and blocking you is the worst possible thing he could do, yet this seems to be how a PTSD sufferer copes, as so many have explained. And I'm pretty sure they feel guilt, shame, etc. after they do something like this. I mean, how could one NOT feel those things after such irrational behavior? I've learned that the more you push and try to make contact the worst it becomes for the sufferer, and they may isolate even more so. I made this mistake and tried really hard to force conversation and he just became more irrational and then began making threats. I then stopped all attempts to reconcile.
Each person is different, however. If you do reach out, maybe just tell him you'll be open to talk when he feels ready. Don't push, just let him know you'll be there for him. Then wait.....
At some point, you will have to decide when enough is enough, and move forward with your life. I know right now all you want to do is help him. That's natural. You love him. The waiting, wondering, empty holes is so painful, however.
What's so frustrating is a rational conversation could turn everything upright again, but when dealing with a PTSD flare up, I don't believe "rational" is a word that be used. In a flare up, they are irrational. This is the emotional roller-coaster of PTSD.

 

[Udica]

What I have read here tells me the experience of terror and urge to flee are caused by PTSD and tragically, there is nothing the sufferer can do to stop that.

Of course there is. I'm a combat vet with PTSD. I was married. Before I was married I f*cked around tons. Did I ever cheat on my spouse? Hell no. Did I ever just take off and leave my kids? f*ck that noise. No I didn't. Nor do millions of others. Had I ever had my PTSD treated? Nope. I made mistakes. I learned from them. I decided how I wanted to live my life. I did that. As do millions of others.

He doesn't need to carry additional guilt and shame as a result of violating his sense of what is honorable in a relationship.

Yes, he does. That's called f*cking up, & guilt is absolutely appropriate, because he's the one who f*cked up, & owning it is how you learn from it. It's not honorable to hurt the people you care about. It's not honorable to cheat on people. His mistakes. His choices. His fault. His guilt. It's pretty simple. If you treat someone badly? That's wrong. Don't do that.

 

[Gugaka]

Udica,

Thanks. You're right. That's the kind of accountability I expect from him. You've had some struggles, but you own your sh*t. I respect you for that.

 

[Gugaka]

People make mistakes and do things they couldn't do any better at the time and maybe are not proud of. It's what they do after that matters. Learn from it. Own it. Make amends when you can. He's not doing that.

 

[Gugaka]

I'm ok. I understand this wasn't about me.

I think the damage is ultimately to his own self-respect. I love him, so I want better than that for him, even if we can never be together as a couple.

 

[Gugaka]

But he has to want that for himself.

 

[Bilan]

It's difficult for me to go into details in a public forum but I have been reading this thread and want to say I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I am going through a very similar situation and it is tearing my heart out. May you find the strength to get through this.

 

[Nihur]

It's difficult for me to go into details in a public forum but I have been reading this thread and want to say I'm so so...

This is not an uncommon story. It seems many relationships with PTSD sufferers are great in the beginning, but as the relationship grows, so does the vulnerability of the sufferer. As the relationship gets more serious, this increases the stresses, both good and bad. I don't think it's any coincidence that as the relationship deepens the unusual behaviors of the sufferer begin coming to the surface. I'm sorry for all who are in the midst of this painful experience or have had to deal with the collateral damage associated with it.

 

[Abesi]

This is not an uncommon story. It seems many relationships with PTSD sufferers are great in the beginning, but as the...

Thanks for your eloquent and insightful response. I think this is very accurate. It has been challenging to accept that the progression of our relationship lead to a resurfacing of behaviors that had not been exhibited by my sufferer for many years.

 

[Eru]

Thanks for your eloquent and insightful response. I think this is very accurate. It has been challenging to accept that...

(Bihan and Abesi are both me by the way. For some reason the site is giving me different user names each time I post)

 

[Gugaka]

What's so frustrating is a rational conversation could turn everything upright again, but when dealing with a PTSD flare up, I don't believe "rational" is a word that be used. In a flare up, they are irrational. This is the emotional roller-coaster of PTSD.

Has anyone had their sufferer contact them to have a conversation after an episode of blocking?

From what I read on this site, it seems like more often than not the sufferer is gone for good (whether that's because the support is forever associated with the "terror" that led to the blocking in the first place, and/or shame over that behavior), and the supporter is left to figure out how to move forward without any closure.

I've also seen some posts from suffers acknowledging that the feelings they had for their supporter are still there, and after the reaction (numbing, fleeing, etc.) settles down, the feelings can return.

Every person is different, and I realize there is no way to know. I'm just wondering if there is ever an outcome other than the painful lack of resolution for the supporter. I don't think it's healthy for the sufferer either, because they carry that shame with them, and try to bury it in various ways.

 

[Vodud]

Oh man more times than I can count at this point! Just had a blocking for a few weeks and now I am no longer blocked and there has been initial conversation.

What has happened with me, it has happened so many times i am no longer excited and just happy to hear from him again that I accept him back so readily. I am now leery and also questioning if I want to pursue anything again. Or how to go about it. Really difficult situation.