Vulnerability

[EveHarrington]

So I’m new to the Brené Brown craze. I just started reading one of her books a few weeks ago. Ok, I admit, I’m like 10 pages in, but it was enough to cause changes in me!

She writes about how being vulnerable is the pathway to having love in our lives. If we open ourselves up to others, and make ourselves vulnerable, we are opening ourselves up to love.

The part that really caused a mind shift for me was when she talked about how being vulnerable means we ARE going to fall on our asses or on our faces many, MANY times in the process as people will not always treat us kindly or even flat out reject us. Knowing something bad may happen makes things 1000% easier for me. I mean rejection is likely, but it is not necessarily about me. If I get turned away, I can always move on and find someone who is receptive towards me.

I have typically been very closed towards others and it’s kept me isolated for many years. I’m now keeping this vulnerability concept in mind, knowing that failure is part of the process——but the end goal of love in my life by far outweighs the roadblocks along the way.

:)

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

She was a life changer for me, too. Good stuff!

 

[Freida]

I'm still struggling with the idea that it's OK to show others you are vulnerable. It usually doesn't end well for me because it doesn't' fit the picture people have of me. I'm the tough strong one who can handle anything. I'm the one people come to for help. By the time I get around to being vulnerable they can't accept it and they bail. I don't mean that like oh poor me - I'm just not sure how to change the picture I'm giving them in the first place....

Thoughts? Words o' wisdom?

 

[MyWillow]

I’m hearing you @Freida

No wise words as yet as I’m in a similar space. I always get up. No matter how many times I’m knocked down. I love Brené Brown but maybe I’m just not ready to go there. My therapist reckons that’s one reason why I dissociate through our sessions. Damn it. LOL

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Maybe the ones that bail at the time your vulnerability shows are the ones who need to be bailing anyway, @Freida . Just a thought.

I, too, used to be the one everyone would come to for help, the "strong" one (coming from muscles I build up over time from holding up all those damn masks) and I'd take it all on just like the good little helper I was taught to be, setting aside my own needs/wishes/desires to please and aid others as much as humanly possible....until it smothered me and broke me down.

I was also surrounded by lots of people in those days, unlike now, but eventually realized much of the energies I was surrounded by were mainly because of what I could do for them, and once I came to my own realizations of my own actual needs and could no longer be what everyone else needed me to be, they dropped like flies.

I can't handle being around the same energies I could before because I now realize how incredibly draining it was, how it can easily trigger me back into unhealthy behaviors, how it kept sending back to some deep emotional/physical ditches I could barely climb back out of, and how I was avoiding my own stuff for so long by focusing on helping and "protecting" everyone else.

Openly sharing my own struggles/needs/feelings/etc. has been scary as f*ck more often than not, and I never quite get used to the butterfly feelings/borderline nausea in my gut before opening up again for the first time or in a new environment, but I've learned it's a necessary step in enriching my own life by doing what I need to do for me rather than putting everyone else first, as I'd been conditioned to do.

 

[The Albatross]

Here's the thing... people can always opt to bail. If the cost/benefit risk is too high (though granted they don't do written ones like "I" do)... it is a risk. However, the default position is always the "more generally beneficial" thing/way of being. If that's you, your values, your character and wanting to attract those who are like minded or at least well enough to accept a certain degree of differentiation of that or opinion great. If it's not... why not, and if you find that's in character and your value system, then great. Find a way to meet in the middle or get along without letting your inner critic/self talk trash you, beat you down, or make you suffer.

Know thyself.

 

[deeplyloved]

Have you watched her video about the marble trust jar?

 

[Emotional girl]

This is really strange because my T was talking about this very subject today with me.He said that I need to start taking more risks and to start showing my vulnerabilities to people and he recommended that I watch these videos on YouTube.
I am going to watch them later and see if they make any sense to me and if they help.

 

[deeplyloved]

Albatross is right...people can always bail. And people can also chose to hang on and get closer. I lost friends when I started telling my story almost 2 years ago. People who said they loved me stopped talking to me and shut me out. I was overcome with shame and loathing until I realized their actions had little or nothing to do with me.

I’ve also had to discern when and where to discuss what...if that makes sense. My two closest friends in the world cannot handle listening to me talk about the abuse and violence I experienced. It’s too much for them. But they love on me and encourage me. They cook meals for my family sometimes. Send gifts to my children. I got in a car accident last year and one of them drove an hour to pick me up on the side of the road. If I am sick and can’t make it to the pharmacy, I would call one of them even for the most “embarrassing” kinds of medicine...like diarrhea for example! Haha! They are real, true, devoted friends. I know they love me unconditionally but they have taught me that everyone cannot be everything to me. We talk about deep and important things, but they need me to save the harrowing stuff for my therapist.

Being vulnerable doesn’t mean being confessional. I’m not saying that anyone here has suggested this. Just sharing because it was a challenging lesson for me as I began to learn how to be vulnerable in my own life. Sharing particular feelings instead of particular details is something I had to grasp through painful trial and error.

 

[Freida]

Well now y'all made me almost sniffle!!
@Tornadic Thoughts -- damn. Hubby could have written the first part as that is what he tells me all the freeking time, and I could have written the last part. Why is it when you see someone else write it down it makes more sense?

Have you watched her video about the marble trust jar?

I loved that!!

I am going to watch them later and see if they make any sense to me and if they help.

Lemme know!

My two closest friends in the world cannot handle listening to me talk about the abuse and violence I experienced

Again with the "why does it make sense when someone else says it thing!" yep - I have one friend who can hear everything and not flinch and another who can't handle that I was hurt but is there for me whenever I need her.

@EveHarrington Sorry if I hijacked your thread!

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm still struggling with the idea that it's OK to show others you are vulnerable. It usually doesn't e...

I am practicing vulnerability more in meeting new people. I’m not sure how I’d go about showing vulnerability towards people who already have a certain view of me.

No worries about hijacking! I like seeing this conversation go off in different directions! I just wanted to share so others could possibly benefit, too.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m hearing you @Freida

No wise words as yet as I’m in a similar space. I alw...

I know it took me many years before I was even ready to be open to a concept like this! I think it’s also important to be able to recognize red flags and be able to tell someone to go kick rocks if you see one of those red flags.