bubbledog2
New Here
Weird title right? Please forgive me before hand, as I tend to laugh and joke off what hurts the most. Im trying to be better.
Ive figured for a while now ive had a problem; i just today got diagnosed with PTSD and depression after finally mustering the courage to go get therapy. I have never been the one to talk to other about my life because i am very private. Sadly everything has been taking its toll for about two years now and I am a wreck.
I lived with my grandparents since I was born. Long story short, they were smokers and got sick. When i was 15 going on 16, my grandpa landed in the hospital for a quadruple bypass that he never made it out of the hospital for. He went from care facility to nursing home. He didnt tell the doctors the whole truth about how much he smokes; so he never made full recovery after surgery. I was too scared to see him. I didnt want to see him like that..so i avoided visits. My grandma was getting badly ill around the same time and she couldnt go anywhere either.
I have one immediate family member...mom and dad are out of the picture. My uncle is very business so i never saw much of him.
Fast forward to when my grandma got very sick and was bedridden and Hospice had to be involved. I was her primary caregiver at 16 years old, i was overwhelmed. I dropped out of school because i was scared to leave her alone during the day, she cant pee or anything on her own. I made her breakfast lunch and dinner, changed her, washed her..the nine yards. I only got 2 hours at best of sleep. This went on for 4 months. We had a caregiver come from hospice once a week to check up and do the things i would normally do for one day and that was it. She started to cry at night and see things that werent there. She threw up one morning and it all went downhill from there. She was really dying.
She passed away December 1st in her sleep.
My grandpa was still alive in a nursing home. I finally went to see him after almost a year and i broke down crying the minute i got there.
He couldnt talk, he could only mouth his words. He was so happy to see me and all i could do was cry. He asked how grandma was and i had to tell him that she passed away. That was why I was there. I felt so guilty and i still do.
He passed away a week after i told him. He just gave up on trying to live...all he wanted was to come home to grandma.
I have never been the same. They both passed on in the same month. I was moved into an uncles house who i barely knew. Ive hated my life ever since.
Since then i have moved to a different state and im trying to start over.
Im still grieving and full of anxiety and its been a few years. To this day i cant look at someone elderly. I cant hear them, i cant look into their eyes, i shake, i cry, i cant watch videos with anything related with someone elderly. I basically have panic attacks and i got into an episode where i cant calm down. I cant sleep at night. My thoughts run wild.
It sounded stupid to everyone i ever hinted my problem with. They never understood.
Thats the short story, I hope i can soon find peace.
Ive figured for a while now ive had a problem; i just today got diagnosed with PTSD and depression after finally mustering the courage to go get therapy. I have never been the one to talk to other about my life because i am very private. Sadly everything has been taking its toll for about two years now and I am a wreck.
I lived with my grandparents since I was born. Long story short, they were smokers and got sick. When i was 15 going on 16, my grandpa landed in the hospital for a quadruple bypass that he never made it out of the hospital for. He went from care facility to nursing home. He didnt tell the doctors the whole truth about how much he smokes; so he never made full recovery after surgery. I was too scared to see him. I didnt want to see him like that..so i avoided visits. My grandma was getting badly ill around the same time and she couldnt go anywhere either.
I have one immediate family member...mom and dad are out of the picture. My uncle is very business so i never saw much of him.
Fast forward to when my grandma got very sick and was bedridden and Hospice had to be involved. I was her primary caregiver at 16 years old, i was overwhelmed. I dropped out of school because i was scared to leave her alone during the day, she cant pee or anything on her own. I made her breakfast lunch and dinner, changed her, washed her..the nine yards. I only got 2 hours at best of sleep. This went on for 4 months. We had a caregiver come from hospice once a week to check up and do the things i would normally do for one day and that was it. She started to cry at night and see things that werent there. She threw up one morning and it all went downhill from there. She was really dying.
She passed away December 1st in her sleep.
My grandpa was still alive in a nursing home. I finally went to see him after almost a year and i broke down crying the minute i got there.
He couldnt talk, he could only mouth his words. He was so happy to see me and all i could do was cry. He asked how grandma was and i had to tell him that she passed away. That was why I was there. I felt so guilty and i still do.
He passed away a week after i told him. He just gave up on trying to live...all he wanted was to come home to grandma.
I have never been the same. They both passed on in the same month. I was moved into an uncles house who i barely knew. Ive hated my life ever since.
Since then i have moved to a different state and im trying to start over.
Im still grieving and full of anxiety and its been a few years. To this day i cant look at someone elderly. I cant hear them, i cant look into their eyes, i shake, i cry, i cant watch videos with anything related with someone elderly. I basically have panic attacks and i got into an episode where i cant calm down. I cant sleep at night. My thoughts run wild.
It sounded stupid to everyone i ever hinted my problem with. They never understood.
Thats the short story, I hope i can soon find peace.
