Dom Violence Hoping i’m not the only one...

[BoN-bOn]

Has anyone ever had any experience with their child being a trigger? My son is a teenager now & looks just like his abusive father who we left when he was 4. There are times when things get heated & he can be verbally & has also been physically aggressive (we are getting help & addressing this issue). During those times all I can see is his father & I literally FEEL like I did during the times his father was abusive. Sometimes I shut down/cry (totally forgetting that I am the parent), other times I lash out in anger & say things that I don’t even think are directed at my son, but it’s coming from a deeper anger towards his father. & then there are times when I just look at him & think about how much he looks like his dad & feel disgusted. I feel so guilty for these feelings! I love my son more than anything in the world but sometimes it’s so hard to love someone so much when they look like someone you hate.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @BoN-bOn... Do you think you could talk to someone about all this.. You did say you are getting help...?

Can you talk to your son in a way that doesn't put down his father.. But establishes why sometimes you react the way you do?

In many ways it's not your fault when your son is being aggressive.. And you react in a way you are not proud of. It's transference.... And I understand why... It's difficult for you.. And I'm sure you will learn new ways to react to your son.

Don't give yourself to much of a hard time.... Take care...

 

[BoN-bOn]

Yes I’m seeing a therapist & he is about to start seeing someone. He’s just at a difficult age right now & I’m working through a lot of past trauma & starting to recognize reactions in myself...I don’t think I even realized how much he triggers me sometimes until recently. Hopefully I can work through some of it soon & I’m hoping he can work through some of his issues too.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

I went through this exact same thing with my eldest son and he did it back to me because his abuser my mum his grandmother and I look very alike. It didn't end well because neither of us knew why we wound each other up so much. Sadly it's too late for us to repair the damage we both did to our relationship (my eldest is now 23 and this has been happening since he was 16) but it's not too late for you and your kid. I'm glad you are getting help for this issue because unfortunately my eldest son and I didn't. I'm also glad you have the awareness and insight into the problem that my eldest son and I lacked. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone and I wish you well in getting this sorted out for both your sakes. You don't want to end up losing your kid the way I lost mine through neither of our faults in this regard. God bless you both xx

 

[BoN-bOn]

Oh goodness @crazydiamond47 , I’m so sorry about the situation with you & your son. Maybe in time it will get better. Thank you for sharing that with me. It helps so much to know there’s SOMEONE out there who has felt the same way. I’ve really been working hard on being gentle with myself & not beating myself up for having certain feelings, but learning how to react differently to those feelings instead. I’m hopeful it’s not too late for him. :hug:

 

[Recovery4Me]

Therapy and wanting to change is key. Establishing boundaries that are reasonable, discussed within therapy with proper choice of reaction or contingency plan for when they are broken by your Son is very important as well. Been there!:)

The first several months, teens may push to test or get things to change back within the dysfunctional comfort zone. So do not be disheartened as it is great practice for us to strengthen our boundaries and good for the young adults to hear, “No.”
I have every confidence that if there is an desire and love between you two ( which I am sure that there is) with both of you within therapy...head way will happen.:tup:

You are not alone. :hug:s if you accept

 

[Cheryle]

I divorced my abusive husband eight years ago and my daughters and I talked for several years afer that. Then, the drama happened. They started treating me like their father. One even went so far as to hit me. I won't put up with that. They both became triggers. It's been hard but we just kind of drifted apart. I'm engaged now to a wonderful man and he has two sons. They have shown me more love, warm and kindness than either of my girls. I have tried to go to theraphy with my girls, called them and pleaded with them that we CAN fix our relationship if they want to. So far, they don't. It's been hard, but I won't have a relationship with them until they get theraphy for their violence and distorted perceptions of me and my new family.

 

[BoN-bOn]

Thank you for your responses. I’m hopeful that things can be different. Looks like both of us are open to change & he is receptive to therapy so far. It hasn’t been an easy road for both of us. @Recovery4Me there is truth in what you said about him pushing/testing & trying to go back to dysfunctional ways. I’m being strong though.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@BoN-bOn :hug: One of the joys for me was watching his choices of behaviors as he aged. Although he still maintained an few patterns similar to what he watched with his father as he grew older, he had enough gumption to re-enter therapy as an adult.

Now, as he is approaching being a father himself... my DIL and he went back to therapy to anchor verbal mutual respect. So although, it might have been nice in a perfect world to reap the benefits prior ;) at least there is some comfort in seeing those destructive communication styles...stop in the family lineage.

So I guess what I am offering- is that you are fostering an environment for change which may include your future generations! So perhaps, be proud of your strides in such an attempt.:hug: You are a good Mom.:)

 

[BoN-bOn]

@BoN-bOn :hug: One of the joys for me was watching his choices of behaviors as h...

Thank you @Recovery4Me , that’s very comforting. :) I’ve made my own share of poor choices while parenting. I’d like to say I did the best I could, but looking back I have to say I wish I had done better. I wish I had been more emotionally available & present for him. I wish I hadn’t used alcohol to manage symptoms at times. I wish I hadn’t thought that “strength” was learning how to stop feeling anything. I’ve worked very hard to provide for him & give him everything he needs & most everything he wants, but many times I’ve just been busy trying to survive & wasn’t able to stop & enjoy life. I didn’t know that i had ptsd until recently. I knew that something wasn’t right, but i did my best to manage & keep getting through each day the best i could. I hope counseling can help repair some of this for both of us.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Bon Bon that's all any of us can do sweetheart is our best with the knowledge we have at the time. Don't beat yourself up for just being human. At least you know better now and therefore can do better and nip things in the bud before it goes so far you can't pull it back. I wish I'd had your awareness 10 years ago when it would have made a difference with me and my lad. Keep going hunny and give yourself and the boy a big (((hug)))) from me. It will be alright. Just keep the faith. I wish I had xx

 

[BoN-bOn]

Thank you @crazydiamond47 ! :hug: