Supporter Wife with ptsd, did, where do i belong...

[Suzetig]

Anyway, maybe it would just be better if you moderators 'vet' me. I'm tired of being in places where I'm not welcome just because my wife and I aren't doing things like everyone else.

Ok, first thing is that all staff post in their personal capacity unless they explicitly say it's a staff post. I'm not asking you as a moderator - I'm asking you out of personal interest and curiosity. I sense that anything other than tacit approval or praise for your way of life is experienced by you as feeling unwelcome but healthy challenge is a good thing - and honestly I've not actually challenged anything you've said on this thread, yet.

Folk come here looking for support, for ways to manage a condition that causes them deep distress and to learn from others some of whom have a wealth of knowledge about PTSD. It's fair enough that when someone claims to have the answer to PTSD or DID that those claims are interrogated.

You say you've used attachment theory and neuro-plasticity to help your wife. Both are pretty contested theories in working with adult trauma, I'm not saying they don't have anything to add but neither theory has the whole picture and both are deeply misunderstood and misapplied. So, forgive my scepticism but when a lay person claims to use fairly complex concepts to formulate a home based treatment with no professional diagnosis much less treatment programme, and is defensive as all hell I think healthy scepticism is a reasonsable response.

 

[SamRuck]

You say you've used attachment theory and neuro-plasticity to help your wife. Both are pretty contested theories in working with adult trauma, I'm not saying they don't have anything to add but neither theory has the whole picture and both are deeply misunderstood and misapplied. So, forgive my scepticism but when a lay person claims to use fairly complex concepts to formulate a home based treatment with no professional diagnosis much less treatment programme, and is defensive as all hell I think healthy scepticism is a reasonsable response.

Since the reference to my blog was removed, I'm rather limited to simple answers to complex questions and problems. I've got over a hundred pages laying out my approach to my wife as well as over 15,000 pages documenting each and every day of progress with the various alters and how, step by step, I've taken them thru the maze of issues that come along with d.i.d. Not to be glib, but ptsd is simple compared to what I've had to walk my wife thru with d.i.d. If anyone would read the literature by the ISSTD experts you would see that over and over and over they admit their ignorance and calls for more study, etc, etc, but since I'm 'just a husband', again, I'm met with not just skepticism, but mostly disdain and belittling.

I can try to answer your questions about how attachment theory and neural plasticity work on a practical level if you have specific questions. Experts have a great way of taking simple concepts and making them overly complex. I do understand the need to debate specifics on a theoretical level, but for my wife using the concepts of safe haven, proximity maintenance, affect regulation, and primary attachment figure are pretty straight foward. And likewise with neural plasticity it's pretty simple: the brain strengthens and refines the pathways which get frequently used and allows to 'atrophy' the pathways that are ignored. And that's a huge key to helping people who have major dissociative issues. And so, yes, if you want to debate minutiae, these concepts are complex and hotly debated, but for a trauma survivor, they don't care about the minutiae. They just need a safe, loving environment where they can be supported while they are processing the trauma memories so they can move on with their lives.

 

[joeylittle]

Since the reference to my blog was removed, I'm rather limited to simple answers to complex questions and problems.

There is a space on your profile for you to list a home page; you'll find it under account --> personal details (just FYI).

Not to be glib, but ptsd is simple compared to what I've had to walk my wife thru with d.i.d.

I hear what you are saying. Ultimately, this is a PTSD board. A small percentage of our membership have DID diagnoses, but it's not the focus, here. That doesn't mean we don't discuss DID, but it does mean that we recognize those as two distinct disorders, and treat them accordingly. Our mandate is PTSD, so that's how our membership is oriented.

but since I'm 'just a husband', again, I'm met with not just skepticism, but mostly disdain and belittling.

It's really difficult to not read tone on the internet. If you haven't seen the Community Constitution yet, I'd recommend giving it a once-over. You'll get a good handle on the board personality. It's always better around here to assume neutral tone.

Our other lived-by tenet is "Take what's useful, leave the rest." You'll get into conversations with a lot of differing voices, and because we fundamentally value challenge as part of the support paradigm, you'll most definitely encounter disagreement. That's all just part and parcel of an internet support community.

I just don't fit anywhere it seems. I don't know if I will fit here since she's past most of the PTSD stuff at this point.

This was from your intro post - and so, I'm not surprised that you are feeling like you are being met with "just the husband"; it seems that you anticipated that from the outset. I'm not pointing this out to cause you harm or make you feel badly. You've clearly done a lot of work on yourself, and so, I'm thinking you might appreciate having the slightly self-fulfilling prophecy pointed out to you.

Like @Suzetig said - moderators don't 'vet' people, here. All staff are volunteers, and they are members, first.

My question for you, is - what are you hoping to get, by being here? Honest question, not a leading one. Is there some sort of support that you are looking for, or something you'd like to have more insight into? (Or any number of things, I'm just chucking those out there as possibilities...)

 

[SamRuck]

My question for you, is - what are you hoping to get, by being here? Honest question, not a leading one. Is there some sort of support that you are looking for, or something you'd like to have more insight into? (Or any number of things, I'm just chucking those out there as possibilities...)

I had hoped to find camaraderie with other SO's who are in an impossible situation; who love their mates and yet know the overwhelming pain of a dysfunctional relationship, but still hope things can get better. But as always the gulf between our method of her healing and everyone else seems too great. Some are defensive, but even those who are genuinely curious simply have no reference point for what I've done to help her heal, especially when what I'm advocating seems to go against the 'prevailing knowledge' even though I can point to science that would completely justify what I have done...it simply hasn't caught up to what my wife and I have already done.

I understood this was a pstd board and not d.i.d. But ptsd is a small component of d.i.d. and I had hoped for something different than I have found everywhere else since there's an actual 'supporter' area that is active. But I just don't know how to be like everyone else when that difference is what made the difference in my wife's healing experience.
Sam

 

[Muttly]

Hi and welcome. I have PTSD and DID. I am curious, what do you mean by "florid" DID. I haven't seen that before.

I read through the whole thread and here is my take. You've gotten some welcomes; you've gotten some questions.I can see how some of the questions could feel judgmental. If I were new, i would probably take them that way too. However, right now you've only talked to a few members and they are mostly not supporters. so it might be a bit soon to decide you don't fit.

I will say your approach to posting is unusual for here. I think the way most supporters here find camaraderie is by talking about there struggles. Supporters talk about their SO's anger, SOs walking out, and other issues that impact how they, they supporter, feels. I can see why you are proud and pleased with your approach. You may well find supporters interested in that. But you may also find some supporters who don't know how to respond. It might help, if when you post, you let folks know what sort of response you are looking for otherwise they might mistake the intent of your post.

 

[Rose White]

On the one hand I definitely applaud you for trying to understand that your wife’s issues are completely hers and not taking them personally. You seem to excel at your ability to sustainably support someone who is recovering from a hell of a lot of crap. I wish my partner had a tenth of your insight and your drive to support her.

On the other hand you make it seem like your method is so unorthodox (and advanced?) that none of us could ever emulate it so it’s hard to connect with you.

There’s a sense that you alone are the catalyst to your wife’s recovery, and that neither she nor anyone else can appreciate that yet. That is rather a frightening concept for anyone trying to recover their sense of autonomy and agency.

I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe that you are trying to reach out for support from other supporters, but that you just miscommunicated your intentions. It seems clear that you are willing to go out of your way to support your wife and have done so for a very long time—that is laudable and a clear expression of your commitment, something underrated in today’s media culture. But it sounds like you believe yourself to be separate and above others. Not saying you believe you are, just how your words came across.

I hope you find what it is you are looking for. Maybe self-care and focusing on your own goals for a while are in order, especially considering how well your wife is doing these days.

 

[Sandstone]

I can believe that an approach that offers consistent, reliable support and attachment could be very healing. For myself, my biggest source of stability is my husband, and his unquestionable support and cherishing have been both unexpected and healing. Unlike you he is determined not to learn theory or to intervene, because he believes a little knowledge can be dangerous and does not want to risk moving outside his role as a husband.

My concern about your approach is that it could foster too great a degree of dependence, and move away from being a shared, equal marriage. But then, how equal is any marriage where PTSD and dissociative problem barge in?

I hope you will stick around, both for support for yourself and to share your experience.

 

[Justmehere]

You write of her and her symptoms, what you are doing to help her, and how she is doing, but you don’t really write anything about any care or support for you.... or anything much about you at all. I wonder... how are *you* doing with it all?

 

[SamRuck]

Hi and welcome. I have PTSD and DID. I am curious, what do you mean by "florid" DID. I haven't seen that before.

Hi Muttly, thank you, and I'm happy to meet a fellow traveler in the world of d.i.d. Florid is the term the experts use simply to mean your insiders do full switches when they front. It's how d.i.d. is typically portrayed in the movies and on tv with the full voice changes, etc.

I will say your approach to posting is unusual for here. I think the way most supporters here find camaraderie is by talking about there struggles. Supporters talk about their SO's anger, SOs walking out, and other issues that impact how they, they supporter, feels. I can see why you are proud and pleased with your approach. You may well find supporters interested in that. But you may also find some supporters who don't know how to respond. It might help, if when you post, you let folks know what sort of response you are looking for otherwise they might mistake the intent of your post.

I understand what you are saying, but I've been on this forum less than a week. So it's not that I'm unwilling or unable to share, but I also kind of wanted to see how things worked and if there is a place for me. As difficult as my wife's ptsd issues were, they are mostly a distant memory at this point. If another insider shows up with more trauma memories, then I understand I could have to help her thru those again. But right now my struggles are with girl #8, an insider so deeply buried within my wife that she wasn't even fully formed, if you understand what I mean: the only girl without her own name and very little self awareness of herself. She and girl #7 have taken more time to help them heal and securely attach to me and the others, than the other 6 girls combined. And I understand it's just the process as my wife and I go deeper into the trauma, but it's really hard even though at this point I 'know the drill' and I know what I have to do to help her...she's just taking longer than the others, and I'm trying so hard to give her that time that she needs so we do the healing and attachment correctly and I don't force her before she's ready. And maybe other SO's here will be able to empathize even if they don't understand the intricacies of d.i.d. like I understand the ptsd issues they are dealing with. IDK.

But I appreciate the welcome, and I wish you well on your own healing journey.
Sam

 

[SamRuck]

On the other hand you make it seem like your method is so unorthodox (and advanced?) that none of us could ever emulate it so it’s hard to connect with you.

There’s a sense that you alone are the catalyst to your wife’s recovery, and that neither she nor anyone else can appreciate that yet. That is rather a frightening concept for anyone trying to recover their sense of autonomy and agency

Hi Searching4Self,
I'm sorry if I've muddled my answers and responses. I kind of feel like the new person in the center of the circle and everyone is yelling questions: some friendly, and some voicing a lot of skepticism. And I try hard to understand the skepticism, but it's also hard when I hurt so deeply I can barely cope many days because where my wife is in her healing (girl#8 that I mentioned to Muttly) needs us to be celibate for her to feel safe: and it's been going for near 2 years, and it's so hard, that just typing it has me on the verge of tears. But I love each of my wife's 'alters' and I'm committed to their healing so we can all get thru this together...

Anyway, my 'unorthodox' method really isn't. Attachment theory is one of the best theories out there, proven scientifically in so many various ways. It's only 'unorthodox' because the experts can't do what an SO or family member can do despite the experts using more and more attachment principles in their methods and literature. And the literature for adult attachment relationships and principles is slowly coming in: it's just not as robust as their knowledge for how it works during childhood.

As for me being a catalyst in my wife's healing, yes, that is what attachment theory would teach. It understands the primary role of the SO or family to provide the functions of safe haven, proximity maintenance and affect regulation, and these are even more essential when early childhood trauma is part of the mix, and then even more so when decades of dissociation enter the already toxic mix. But that doesn't mean I'm some kind of permanent crutch for my wife. I have no desire for that and attachment theory recognizes the fading (though never fully unneeded) need of the primary attachment role as it grows into a healthy adult role of reciprocity. At this point in her life she (all 8 of the girls) have come so far that they are growing and expanding their world and finally blooming in a way that the trauma simply never allowed.

But it sounds like you believe yourself to be separate and above others. Not saying you believe you are, just how your words came across.

I truly am sorry if I've come off this way. When I get attacked from the start with the same arguments I've heard for a decade of why, somehow, I'm incompetent to do what my wife and I have already done, it is hard to remember this is a new group of people who have the same questions and legitimate skepticism that I've met elsewhere. I don't believe I'm above anyone, but neither do I believe the experts have some hidden knowledge that I know they don't. They expound from their safe ivory towers and dole out their help IF their patients have enough money to pay for it, while we SO's have learned in the trenches. We don't get to take breaks or have office hours and charge for our help. We either figure it out or we know that our relationships and families could die in the maelstrom that the trauma can create in our loved ones.

 

[SamRuck]

does not want to risk moving outside his role as a husband.

Hi Sandstone, my wife and I have both had to expand our understanding of what spousal roles are. There are books out there if you were interested in how attachment theory works in adult, romantic relationships. I haven't read them, so I can't really recommend any, but we all 'need someone to lean on' at times.

My concern about your approach is that it could foster too great a degree of dependence, and move away from being a shared, equal marriage. But then, how equal is any marriage where PTSD and dissociative problem barge in?

I do understand your fear when we live in a culture that idolizes an unhealthy independence in our relationships. But if your husband broke both his legs, in the beginning, would you be upset if you had to 'wait upon' him a lot? None of us would. And as he healed you would expect him to become more independent, but that would be over time. That's all I've done for my wife, though the d.i.d. has greatly lengthened the healing journey, but she's getting there...

I hope you will stick around, both for support for yourself and to share your experience.

Thanks, I hope I can figure out how I can share our experiences going thru pstd in a way that isn't offputting, but also get the support I would love to have even if it's things more related to d.i.d. than pstd at this point.

 

[SamRuck]

You write of her and her symptoms, what you are doing to help her, and how she is doing, but you don’t really write anything about any care or support for you.... or anything much about you at all. I wonder... how are *you* doing with it all?

If I get the feeling that my presence can be a help and not stir up a lot of acrimony because we are approaching this healing journey differently, then I will try to share more...but again, at this point it's mostly d.i.d. stuff, not pstd stuff. To me I feel a common bond with other SO's who stand with their loved ones and don't leave when we live in a culture that pushes selfishness. My own family would rather me leave my wife, and her family is still so messed up that they can't be trusted with the knowledge of her d.i.d. So other than our 27-year old son who has been a true gem in his mother's healing but doesn't wish to be my confidante, I've only had a little support here and there, and most of that has dried up at this point.