I feel like my issues are too complex to recover from

[Deleted member 39476]

I do get that he is dying for love and is utterly grief stricken. He's probably angry underneath th...

I can appreciate that I still have enough integrity of soul to fight on and attempt to beat this, and that assuming I do eventually recover, it can be an advantage sometimes. One of the main things we put emphasis on in therapy when dealing with the "monster" part is that all the effort he puts in and all the abilities he has after all these years of scanning the environment looking for threats, defending against bullies, trying to live life on my own, avoid abuse in general, the power that comes from this can absolutely be a major boon if that part of me integrates to become a new hole. A very major fear it has is that he knows no other life than constant fear and threat, so he feels like he will be without purpose if he didn't have to protect me constantly. On the flip side, the remainder of me is terrified of integrating with that part because they feel like he is extremely toxic and will damage everything. It basically feels like that in order for me to be a whole person, either that monster part has to die, or everything has to die, one or the other. I've been trying to work through this very particular concern for a long time but it is so fundamental that it is very difficult to make any meaningful progress.

You are very intelligent but not always smart, so really listening to older, insightful people with openness and humility is going to go a long way in helping you crack open this inner bastard who is ruining your life.

Relational intelligence is something that you can only benefit from developing at this stage."

This is a hell of a problem and I don't think It can change without my circumstances in general changing first. The basis for genuine humility is being okay regardless of whether or not you win, or whether or not you are correct. I don't feel okay even if I do win but I definitely don't feel okay if I lose or am wrong, so it's extremely difficult to be humble unless it's something I'm not personally invested in. In this case I am extremely personally invested so I get really defensive and arrogant, I think that's probably how I will stay until I feel better in general, fight or flight is a hell of a drug and I'm on it all the time. I do try to listen as much as possible though, even if I just reject what I'm reading.

Another thing that makes it extremely difficult is the fact that my instincts are proven correct and reinforced ridiculously often. I am fully aware of the fact that these defensive and distrustful instincts are very unhealthy, and that when I don't trust people its usually just because I am distrustful more than because the person isn't trustworthy, so I try to compensate when I can. The kind of scary part is that when you are stubborn all the time a lot of ostensibly trustworthy people are actually not trustworthy at all, and a lot of people with ostensibly good motivations actually have agendas. I'm not trying to justify my attitude, but all you have to do is look at some of the responses here and it's really obvious that some people who give advice aren't actually giving advice at all, going straight to insults if I reject their idea or their suggestion, whereas the people who give advice in good faith just want me to feel better and don't take it personally if I reject their suggestion. I catch people doing apparently normal things with abusive intentions all the time.

 

[mumstheword]

H

I can appreciate that I still have enough integrity of soul to fight on and attempt to beat this, and t...

How do you envision your "circumstances in general changing"?

Could you envision giving this inner protector/bad guy a more tangible protective role? i.e maybe learning a martial art or some other self defence practice?

It doesn't have to be something planned for the near future but could be a goal for later on?

I don't think integration is always something that is of benefit to rush or even have as an outcome of therapy. I'm no way wanting to intergrate my inner parts when I'm really symptomatic, as having them is how I cope. It's not safe to contemplate right now, so I think that you should ease off pressuring yourself or having that as a goal for now or any time soon.
What could you do to validate his need for annihilation? Usually, what that signifies is wanting change, wanting a break from the pain. So what could you do to "lose yourself"?
By this I mean some form of transcendent action. I do it with dance and making music and have just started "zentangling" and drawing to accommodate the hide/freeze thing I've been in at home.
The danger of doing it with media is that much media is psychopathic and/or fear-inducing in nature and thus will reinforce your bad guy/protector/scared-little-you's reason for being the way he is. Your inner child needs to feel safe and societal input is often harmful, manipulative, and very agenda-rife.

Your own creative being, however, is energizing, self-affirming, self-actualizing, adaptive and far less limited than society and all the nay sayers, bitches, corrupt sick minded assholes and shallow people would ever have you believe.

There is so much more to you that even you realize.

What might be wanting to burst forth?

Given that you are allowed to be wild, pissed off, cynical, hurt, untrusting, smarter than most people you've ever met, but yes, you need to find some space to be safely with others, that's much easier said than done.

Writing is a good outlet (I find). Would you consider starting a trauma diary on this site? You have the option to put whoever you wish on ignore.

 

[Sideways]

whereas the people who give advice in good faith just want me to feel better and don't take it personally if I reject their suggestion.

This is, I think, a cognitive distortion that will resolve over time if you stick around this forum.

People give all sorts of suggestions on this forum. Suggestions and advice are probably about 90% of the whole content of this site. And we’re all recovering in our own way, with our own issues and advice.

The people (like me) who are here giving you advice and suggestions? Aren’t doing it because we have some kind of personal investment in your situation. We’re just trying to help. “This is what I’ve found on my journey, maybe it can helo you too.”

So, for the large part, members round here are pretty good at subscribing to the philosophy “take what helps, leave the rest”. I have no investment in your recovery, I don’t know you, and if you don’t like my advice? Meh! S’ok because there’s a tonne of different ways to approach recovery.

I think what people (including me) take exception to, is when advice offered in good faith and with sincere intentions? Gets met with “I know it all, your advice sux, you don’t know squat, I’m so enlightened etc etc”.

Specifically, the attitude coming through loud and clear in your posts that “my ptsd is more crippling and untreatable than anyone else’s and I’ve tried everything you have but it doesn’t work because I’m suffering more”? That attitude stinks rotten.

 

[Elef]

With the exception of a few relatively small strategies, I strongly dislike the CBT model on a fundamental level, I think its rotten, I think its illogical. It does not matter how old or wise the man who comes to me with this is. I will give a fair shake to any idea someone brings forward, but I just totally disagree with that entire model and perspective. Same goes for the people pushing medg.

Me too. Have you looked into ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy)?

 

[Deleted member 39476]

How do you envision your "circumstances in general changing"?

I don't really know, I need something to take me from this non-stop 9/10 stress hell to a lighter place. In a lighter place the need to defend and protect morphs into a need to be productive and I can just channel that energy into positive things, although in general I'm not even close to as high strung when I'm lower stress. I'm supposed to do yoga a couple times a week, a martial art, intense exercise a few times a week, meditate a couple times a day, practice relaxation often. Problem being right now I can't do any of those things, at least not while I'm alone, definitely not on a regular basis, so I need to find something that gets me to a better place. I feel like I will eventually just have a breakthrough and feel much better, it's happened before,

Me too. Have you looked into ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy)?

I don't think any behavioral approach in general can help me right now. As far as I see things, behavioral strategies are a good way to maintain health, to avoid getting worse, and maybe to improve a small amount, but I don't think they can resolve deep issues, and I have deep issues.

 

[Hojay]

I need to find something that gets me to a better place. I feel like I will eventually just have a breakthrough and feel much better, it's happened before,

This resonates. I know the feeling of suffering, suffering, suffering, until bam, something shook it all loose. I don't know about your general situation, but what always did the trick for me (and still does) is going somewhere I've never been before. A day or two, some trip. It was hell on earth, extremely lonely, and sad (even if I went somewhere beautiful,) but it downright FORCED me to function and operate on a different level. (this has included anything from a friend's empty apartment, Airbnb in a different part of town, a motel in the suburbs, a treehouse in the woods, a lonely hut on an island to freakin Nepal. All not as expensive as it sounds.) By now I trick myself into taking a trip somewhere, no matter how forked up I feel. It's like medicine. Not that it solves all my problems, but all I can do is create the right circumstances for the proverbial "bam!" to happen if it will. I have a policy of not allowing myself to complain or wallow in self-pity (or the perceived exceptionalism of my own issues) if I didn't at least allow myself some "shock treatment" in that way and LET it have an effect on me. It's like letting my "witness" trick me into getting better, because, deep down, it really, really, really does not want to.

 

[scout86]

You said awhile back that you never formed a bond with your mother. I wonder about that. I never formed a bond with mine. By the time I was 4, I was WISHING she'd leave. She's dead now. I never felt a thing. I asked my T about that, because it seems kind of odd to me. Hee said what it means is, I'm lucky. In your case, her departure seems like it meant something to you. Seems like it bothered you. So maybe there was some kind of attachment, at least from your side.

On the rest of this, all I can think to say, at this point is "argue for your limitations and they're yours." As long as you devote your energy to finding reasons for things not to work, they, more than likely, won't work. It's an interesting way of having control, but it's very much a way of having control. Maybe even the most sure fire way of having control there is.

Out in the world? Control is an illusion. So is safety. (Sorry gang! That's just the way I see it.)

"Normal" is kind of over rated.

On the monster thing. It's my experience that language matters. You don't make friends with someone by thinking of them as a monster. If you want to make friends with someone, you listen to them, you understand where they're coming from, as best you'd can, and you respect the contribution they've tried to make to your survival, even if it they were misguided and their approach is outdated. You've actually for me feeling sorry for that "monster" part of yours and I don't even believe in "parts"!

 

[Tinyflame]

I need something to take me from this non-stop 9/10 stress hell to a lighter place. In a lighter place the need to defend and protect morphs into a need to be productive and I can just channel that energy into positive things, although in general I'm not even close to as high strung when I'm lower stress. I'm supposed to do yoga a couple times a week, a martial art, intense exercise a few times a week, meditate a couple times a day, practice relaxation often. Problem being right now I can't do any of those things, at least not while I'm alone

Why not?

ETA, there is a saying to be mindful of in 12 step work:; " What are you against? -> What have you got?" It's not unusual.

Whatever your unique challenges there is a way. You may find it not looking. If you focus on others (that is love too), it may free your mind to think in a different way.

It might help, every time you disagree to just 'Stop'. You don't have to agree. But look only at what you agree with. Record how many times you disagree within your day, mentally. Just see. For the heck of it.

Good luck.

 

[EveHarrington]

It’s not that you’re simply taking the good and leaving the bad. It’s that you’re actively putting down most of the advice given to you and saying it won’t work.

Ok, so I’m going to agree with you.

That’s the only thing you’ve wanted in this entire thread.

Nope, you aren’t going to heal.

You are completely untreatable.

(And the reason is that you are your own worst enemy.)

Until you figure out a way to get out of your own misery, there you will be. For many this gets old. For some, they ride the misery train until death.

So which will you be?

Nobody else gives a damn, so it’s up to you to fight for yourself.

Healing is never going to be spelled out for you or handed to you on a silver platter.

 

[Tinyflame]

What I mean, is if you have the degree of self-awareness and the knack of identifying and naming the obstacle(s), re-direct your thoughts to how to overcome the obstacles. One at a time.

 

[Deleted member 39476]

It’s not that you’re simply taking the good and leaving the bad. It’s that you’re actively putting down most of the advice given to you and saying it won’t work.

Process of elimination - Wikipedia

What I mean, is if you have the degree of self-awareness and the knack of identifying and naming the obstacle(s), re-direct your thoughts to how to overcome the obstacles. One at a time.

Man I've been doing this for a long time in a room with a professional and it just isn't getting anywhere. Going again today though.

 

[scout86]

"Liking" that because you're continuing to go to therapy, even if it seems like you aren't getting anywhere. My own experience had been that that actually HAS made a difference, even though it doesn't always seem like it.