I don't want to interfere with this thread, which I agree is an excellent point of discussion and I know for you
@Freida your honest and valid experiences and revelations as you post. Congratulations on all the self discovery. :notworthy: :tup:
I just wanted to respond to this, forgive me if others' have said the same already, since there's over 200 posts. I will say it only from the perspective of 'me', my own experiences and other key relationships that included ptsd I have been privy to and learned from. (Here goes- gulp! :sorry: )
I really like
@Hojay 's post for the reason I think it highlights something huge between sufferers and supporters. I believe both camps are correct if it's framed a wee bit differently. In this regard:
You could then retreat and look at the source of your reaction.
^^ I myself rarely can see things differently without other input or perspective, or talking things through. Leaving however reduces the physical fear and/or terror or shame, and any other unpleasant thoughts, feelings or fears that come along. Whether it be fear for myself, the other, or both. Yes, it's usually triggered. By them, inter-relating, or some things (maybe many things) unrelated to them.
I think what would make a big difference in those moments is if my partner trusted the feedback he is getting from me and learned to stop right then and there (I.e. retreated to reflect.) Do you trust hubby’s judgement that when he says “not ok” you’re objectively being out of line?
^^ Retreat for me (fleeing) turns down the volume, it is not about reflection but escape. Yes, returning is entirely predicated on trust, and communication.
Yes (always speaking for myself), it is true to me after 35 years of this the bitter pill I have to swallow is whatever my choices, they can emotionally or otherwise impact on others. Not that they always will or do, but sometimes. The 2 biggest obvious factors being how would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot?, and secondly, it is an attempt to control (and remove) horrendous feelings and implications of what I fear. I can't hurt anyone else, nor be hurt, if I am simply gone. I never viewed it as control for me. I think it is. Control, and avoidance. Of pain, reliving, fear, emotions, the unknown and unfamiliar.
I am being selfish and self- preoccupied (even unintentionally) to presume other factors don't occur or can't occur or aren't occurring- eg. the other person dies, the other person needs help, the other person is doing their best, the other person has their own fears, sorrows, scars, the other person doesn't prefer I leave. Etc.
In the end, everyone is ultimately shorted. We all have finite time, this is all we have. No one side is to blame, or perhaps sometimes even neither (though everyone needs to learn how to redirect anger, and how to communicate). But this, the 'now', will go towards what we have or make of our life in the end, and the depth and capacity and quality along the way.
What I put in to it to deal with my own reactions, my proclivity (to run), perhaps new ways to deal with that, will determine very much how I feel about my life, including regret, and including my responsibility to treat others with respect, later. Others can handle the truth, I can (and should) give them that option and respect and consideration for their feelings. When I can find the words. And most importantly, I can handle the truth. Including naming why I'm triggered and taking steps to practice facing that.
It’s tricky to continuously have to tell someone their emotions are off the mark (at least on the surface and how they express it) Nobody should have to second guess how they feel all the time. But well, it’s a real issue...
Yes, ^^ I think those 2 last sentences really epitomize how sufferers and supporters both feel. It's a starting place, with trust, to address together. We all impact each other with our behaviours, choices and reactions.
I think
@Freida is showing how it's possible to face it, adapt and grow. :notworthy: :tup:
