So sad that i was raised to feel worthless and i let people abuse me

[Deleted member 541]

@mumstheword I suggest working on self care and giving that young child some serious hugs and loving. You have nothing to feel shame about. Nurture yourself and your inner child.

 

[EmilyHammer]

Hug for your resilient young inner child.
Thank you for sharing your childhood with us @mumstheword

I felt similar to you that I was worthless, unlovable, and helpless.
However, we could reparent us by ourselves with supports from whom love us in present.

Go in the light together.

 

[Deleted member 44394]

That sounds so heartbreaking and demoralizing @Erics . I really recommend gettin...

Thanks I will. I want to say it was my fathers perfectionism which affected me, I felt that I couldn't do anything right enough or good enough. Just like him, I had developed this sporadic way of accomplishing goals and things. It's highly black and white and while it seemed to work for him, it hasn't for me.
I think it has two ends of a bell curve. I figured out that I could just not do anything, and be satisfied...I always had this ache feeling of never doing enough; this kind of pain that came from trying too much. I think he felt it too. People achieve too much or not enough; but they are never satisfied. I don't think he was satisfied...
Im trying to do the way he taught me but I always give up, change mind or do something else. I never follow through with anything and always feel unsatisfied. I'm remember all the ways he molded me and how engrained it is...
I will always be probably this way but I'll try to be more flexible. We were literally not allowed and forced a lot of times to do that his way. So I learned it early on. Idk.
I feel for all of you I hope you find your way.

Peace.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @mumstheword.... Can I suggest if someone hasn't already write a letter to that little mumstheword... Write whatever you feel... Let it all out.....

Empathy is good.. Have we had anger yet?.. Like smashing the hell out of a picture.. Not a person.

It's awful how you were treated as a child. It makes me very angry that you're parents did that. As you know my parents caused alot of my trauma... CPTSD.....

Please take care.. Big hugs and support... Xxx

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you for all the responses @She Cat , @EmilyHammer, @Erics and @Xena.

My challenge at the moment is wanting to abandon my inner younger me the way she was abandoned (so used to this). I feel grief for her but I've survived by dissociating so much it's hard to connect with her pain or extend comfort or any more validation to her in a meaningful way.

The grief I've spoken of is as far as I can take it for now. I will go into addressing the dissociation when I enter hospital for this purpose. My living situation is not conducive for my Younger me feeling safe. My partner is good but unfortunately I've been very damaged and my PTSD exacerbated by being subject to a narc, violent, child abuser female next-door-neighbor and my Younger has been utterly frightened into retreat.

All I can muster is some disgust, distrust and rage at my mother who I cut ties with earlier this year.

This cut off from my younger is debilitating, but I don't think she will surface until I go to hospital and coax her out with loads of appropriate care and a safer place. I kind of agree with her sense of it not being safe for her to be around at the moment. It's painful, numbing, lacklustre and a great loss but I understand why I don't feel safe or strong enough to parent her at the moment.

I'm also having an anniversary for two second trimester miscarriages this month. One was lost in July of last year and would be due now and one was lost last January at 4 months gestation after being dead inside me for a month (bad medical "care").

 

[Rose White]

@mumstheword thank you for this thread. I’m not there yet, to be able to actively and consciously grieve what little me endured. It’s starting, in fits and spurts, at odd times that are unpredictable and not necessarily for me (like maybe for child victims of famine or wild animals getting poached) but the grief engine seems to be starting up. You are inspiring me and encouraging me. I’m sorry that we have to deal with this crap, but I couldn’t imagine kinder people than here on this forum to go through it with.

 

[mumstheword]

@mumstheword thank you for this thread. I’m not there yet, to be able to a...

So touched by this. Thank you @Searching4Self . You got my tears flowing again. They feel like healing tears. I'm so grateful for this space and for everyone here too.