Vulnerability: how do you do it?

[UnicornSightings]

Ok, so with my last t of 2 and a half years I had lots of defensiveness and avoidance. After awhile the defensiveness got chipped away. I’m also a lot less avoidant now. The most vulnerable things I said to my last t I said by reading them aloud after first emailing them so she knew the content already. Nothing was spoken outside of the emails. It was read, breathe, move on. It was about courage and getting the words out. That was really good but ultimately didn’t do a whole lot for me.

I have a new t and even though we’ve only met 4 times I have been pretty avoidant. I joke a lot there and keep it fairly light. I mean, he barely knows me so it’s easy to think of things to say he doesn’t know that aren’t super vulnerable. Long term this obviously won’t work for me so I’m trying to decide how to go about opening up. I can write to him, he’s cool with that and that will be good but then that leaves the actual sessions which seem to be more about passing the time in as fun a way as possible vs discussing issues and things I struggle with. Like I can mention things but not go deep into them. I feel like I only want to show him certain things cause if I show too much then those transference thoughts I had with my last t will come back (that the therapist hates me. That wasn’t fun)

So I’m thinking of how to do this and other than writing I was thinking of when he mentions something and I don’t want to talk about it I can ask if he will just ask me random questions about it. Might feel a bit safer rather than having the floor to say everything. I don’t know. And this isn’t trauma-specific btw. I have no intention of talking a lot about the past, just mainly how I feel now with the beliefs I have and all that.

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you have issues with vulnerability in general?

I’m reading some of Brené Brown’s stuff on vulnerability. She says that in order to receive love/care/etc we need to open ourselves up and be vulnerable, knowing full well that we WILL fall on our ass many times while being vulnerable. It’s not about staying closed to avoid the pain. It’s about taking a risk so that we can reap the rewards that only come with being vulnerable.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Do you have issues with vulnerability in general?

I’m reading some of Brené Brown’s stuff...

Yeah, in general I avoid being vulnerable. I’ve been working on it and letting myself be seen and say things. So I challenge myself but actually thinking about that I’ve done that in instances where I don’t have to see the people again! Or where I can easily not see them anymore. And I guess that’s the thing, I can be vulnerable if I want to, it’s just I would never want to go back. I think because we never talked in depth about those emails with my last t and because she would never bring up the stuff I shared it was just so easy to pretend I didn’t say it, you know? And then do it again and pretend again. I never cried there. I want to freaken cry in a room with someone there. But if I did I could never go back. Way too much shame with crying. And if I share anything that I really care about I’ll think he doesn’t care. Cause that’s transference crap. So am I just forever screwed?

 

[UnicornSightings]

Oh and my last t told me about Brene Brown. I love her! I have her books but haven’t read them all yet. I love her TED talks.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

For some people it is just harder.... I am one of them. I've been in therapy for 9 months and cried once. I trust him more than anyone but I still feel the urge to "stop" my emotions if I feel tears coming on, it's a huge struggle. You can try your option but just know, for some it may not happen. My therapist says, not to try to force myself to be vulernable and its ok if I am not able to again.

I did the first time by reading out loud like you mentioned in yours. The only other thing I could say, allow yourself to visualize, and really think about a sad event in your life and then with that on your mind, see if you can feel things easier.... good luck

 

[EveHarrington]

I tell my T almost everything. Well, maybe not everything, but I never hold back or feel like I have to pick and choose what I say. I wish I could be of more help! :hug:

 

[Sideways]

I sometimes think that the goal of crying in therapy is over-rated. There’s a lot of ways to express vulnerability, and crying is just one of them. Saying something like, “I’m scared of telling you this, but...” is pretty durn vulnerable, and it’s also going somewhere really productive.

“Being vulnerable” is a very generalised goal. What would it look like for you? What sorts of conversations do you think you should be having with your T, that you’re currently avoiding? For me, it came down to picking one of those topics, and walking into my appointment with the goal of just talking about it: Heya T, this is the topic today....

That approach keeps me accountable to myself for what I’m doing with each appointment. I’ve spent so many years in therapy that now? I really want to feel like I’ve achieved something in each and every session, which means having an agenda for myself (what do I need to cover today), and then keeping myself on track throughout the session.

It’s easy to back off and deflect and avoid. For me, the vulnerability has come about by sheer necessity: if I want to make progress this session, I need to nut up and talk about Topic X (whatever that happens to be).

My T doesn’t mind how long my recovery takes, so she’s okay with avoidance. But I want to move forward, and being accountable to myself for that has taken care of the vulnerability issues for me.

 

[Friday]

I don’t generally do vulnerability.

If what I’m doing looks vulnerable? I’ve probably got my ass covered 6 ways from Sunday on being able to handle potential fallout. Giving someone real power over me & my life? Simply doesn’t happen, as a rule.

So -for me- I’d look at

- What kind of power are I am I looking at giving this guy?
- Why?
- To what end result?
- What are the potential ways this could fall out badly?
- What contingency plans can I put in place to let that happen?

 

[UnicornSightings]

Yeah, I guess it doesn’t HAVE to look like crying but that’s still a goal. Thinking of just the last thing that I avoided was after I talked about hating hugs he asked about romantic relationships and how that would work then and I said something like “next topic” lol. Cause I don’t do relationships and I don’t want him to think I’m weird and I don’t want to get into why I don’t with him or anyone. I hate how that’s like the thing to do. I don’t want anything to do with another person being anywhere in my space.

See, I don’t think anything bad would happen from it. Lol. The ONLY bad would be all the things happening in my mind after. I really have a good feeling about him like he would be good at handling whatever I had to say and would be sensitive and would care. After the scheduling thing (he knows I like to email) he said I could email him something really long and he’d give me a long reply so maybe I’ll have it be about vulnerability and how I want that to look in session and maybe he could help with ideas.

 

[LanaD]

when he mentions something and I don’t want to talk about it

I'm going to be frank and give you some tough love here. I'm sorry, but do you not want to get better? What is your goal with therapy if you don't want to touch upon the stuff that's causing your problems? I know vulnerability is hard, but what's the point of therapy if not to help us solve our issues?

I second Brene Brown's work. Her TED talk did absolute wonders for me in combination with therapy. And I'm so incredibly grateful for my therapist and how he did not put up with my crap. He made me sit there and do the difficult work because he knew that that's what would help me. I believe that the goal we sufferers should have is not to be in therapy forever, but to get so well in therapy that we no longer need it.

How to be vulnerable? Share one things you think your T will disapprove of. Doesn't have to be huge. Just give it a shot ;)

 

[UnicornSightings]

I'm going to be frank and give you some tough love here. I'm sorry, but do you not want to get better? Wh...

I don’t want to get better, actually! Which is totally why I tried so hard to be vulnerable with my last t and is why I posted here asking for help. Cause I don’t want to get better! You nailed it! Great job!

 

[Rani G2]

hate how that’s like the thing to do. I don’t want anything to do with another person being anywhere in my space.

Vulnerability is a definition I dont truly seem grasp or dont want to. Vulnerability = making all the border walls dissolve? Its not something which happens with pure willpower, it takes time and its part of the process.

"Your not wanting to" is not a fixed, final place. The fact that you are analyzing it, questioning it is already the process....