The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[Deleted member 12723]

:tup::hug:

 

[ninja]

I think there's something to be said for starting a new part of the healing process in a place that is consistently safe. Not even to mention the ability to for a little while just let go of life worries and to be able to focus on the stuff that has been locked up inside without having to worry as much about whether talking about it will be too much for the person you are talking to. I think you know that this is not you, that you are strong and you can heal and develop congruency and respect within the pieces inside. (((mumstheword))) Sending smiles and kindness your way today. :hug::hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Lovely lovely kind people, you are @Rain and @NinjaWolf. Thank you for your kind thoughts and gestures. You really have made a huge difference and I feel blessed by your presences in my life.:)
I am finally getting back in touch with my essential me-ness after feeling so submerged.
The neighbor thing had me in a bad place. I'm coming out of that now.
I'll be prepared to hold my space and not aid her quest for dominance at everyone else expense, when she returns.

So relieved to be going away on my self improvement holiday with group therapy, trauma-informed yoga and such, in a couple of weeks.:).

My yoga and NIA practise will be at the forefront of my focus for my wellness this year, as well as my burgeoning psychological savvy, for true personal empowerment.

I'm not even sad I can't go back to uni yet, now. I thank my neighbor for showing me where I have weaknesses and faults that need addressing and stomping on our heads (metaphorically speaking) has only excasabated an old injury, not created a new one.

Well I'm not too grateful but in a spiritually gracious sense I'm getting in touch with that "silver lining" perspective because I feel that all this adversity is an alchemical fire through which my sword of truth is being tempered for maximum strength and steely-ness.

This is a year I apply all the wisdom life's tough lessons have taught me and tend myself back to health and return to "walking in grace".
My spiritual path has certainly been filled with challenges, surmountable challenges but significant ones, nonetheless.

I'm learning this;
We can only walk our own path and synthesize others wisdom in such a way that no two souls can walk the same route, if they wish to be genuinely, authentically themselves .
Others maps can give us hope that we will get there, but to truly actualize your unique blueprint for self realization, one must find one's own way and be true to the inner directives first and foremost.

Our obstacles are our personal opportunities to determine how committed we are to the journey of awakening to our own inherent beauty, truth and gifts we are here to share.

So I vanquish the demons of my past weaknesses and lacks and embrace my challenges and quest to actualize my whole and authentic self. That's the plan anyway :)

 

[mumstheword]

I am addressing my own arrested development. Thanks to the extreme negligence and lack of accountability and honesty by my parents I have been stuck in teen mum mode for 28 years. Recreating the selfish destruction to my person that they sanctioned. Bereft and abandoned, I hide, not knowing my worth, not believing I am safe and supported, I wonder at my place and how to live in a world that gives no guarantees for safety and provision.

But I live with a man who cherishes me, a fiercely loyal and devoted tower of a man. Six foot five with a steely resolve tempered by a lifetime of hard knocks, I know I am finally cared for.
Life is brutal but love is real. That I know.

 

[mumstheword]

So two steps forward one step backwards. Regressing slightly. Man this thing is hard to overcome. If only the bulk of my trauma wasn't domestically oriented and the worst of it in this town!
Maybe not the worst thing that I've endured compared to extreme hallucinogenic and potentially fatal drugging and raping and my mental illnesses over the years but my difficulties that were chronic and breaking (my mind, emotional self, heart and will) were over many years and they are tied in my brain with domesticity. This makes household tasks fraught with extreme emotional flashbacks and so, consequently, my life is made very hard.

 

[mumstheword]

By difficulties I am referring to are long term reliance on malignant narcassitic types, i.e. my mother and the father of my seven children.
The abuse, endangerment and especially the life-threatening neglect and pressure to serve them while extremely ill are causal in my condition. So it's triggering to do things like the dishes etc. Man, It sucks so bad!
And the shame! Extreme!

I'm not a very fighty person, all the fight has been utterly exhausted out of me, although if I had to fight for my life I would.
I'm now a collapsy person. A hide and avoid person.

I want so much to break out of this and I'm determined to do so!

 

[mumstheword]

It waits and baits me, the haunting memories,
Taunting and hurting, I cry and hide in shame,
The pain comes in waves and the tide is relentless lately, I am greatly moved by the intensity of adversity, life presents to me, cruelty has impressed upon me the uncertainty of well-being, I climb the mountain of my own fear, determined to conquer and prevail, my travails are significant, magnificent is my insistence to bring cheer, to life's lonely dears, but I fail constantly, picking myself up time and time again, I am reminded of the fineness and sensitivity of many like me. Life is sublime when attuned to a grander plan, a frequency of wonder and Majesty, a sweet loving regard for it's fragility, a kindness and awakened attentiveness. To prevent madness, I sit in gladness for small miracles, like care and receptivity, like safety and true witnessing, friendship that brings joy to me. Fitness I return to you, my eyes are attuned to the tune of my heart, in its artful return to equilibrium, I will move and groove once more to the beat of unity and redemption. This is not convention but transformation, a life alive in Love's warm glow, I ought a know, I'm in the flow, the compassion it doth grow, and so to, when thrown to and fro, do we find an inner centre that brings inner friends to the fore, from the core, we open the door to a new belief in faith and transcendence, kindness and Zen-ness, generosity and being well-ness. That's my tell, YES!

 

[mumstheword]

Inner child, littleN, was making her presence very clear while I slept, last night.
She's very confused, why did her Mum push her away? Further and further, the more she cried out for attention?
The more she needed it the more she was pushed away, sent away, or physically attacked.
She's so confused and in shock by this.
She got angry to protect her hurt heart.
Then she turned it on herself, blamed herself, hurt herself so they didn't have to, she would be in control at least.
She learnt to do the hurting, neglecting and putting down.of herself before others could.
But they still did too.
She doesn't want to do that anymore but she doesn't feel safe, out in the world. She wants to hide in here, with her friend, she has someone now, she finally gets to know what safe feels like. Kinda. Her friend is kinda frightened too, for good reason. They hide together.

 

[mumstheword]

I drew this yesterday. It's a "Zentangle". I think I'll call it "Daisy Tangle"

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I love this. Good for you on being so creative. I wish I could be doing this sort of thing again. I know for me it really helped me so much.

 

[mumstheword]

I love this. Good for you on being so creative. I wish I could be doing this sort of thing again. I know f...

Thanks so much :)
I'd like to think you can. What would be stopping you?

I do it coz I'm not too able in other ways at the moment. It is helping a lot. I only started since I've been here. I'm so glad I found this place. Not sure how I'd have coped without you all. I wanted to run away from my house here, get my own uni room in the town next door. Now I can hack it enough to be solid for my fam here.
I really want that you give yourself the best and most apt self-care that you can muster, however that looks @Rain.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I really want that you give yourself the best and most apt self-care that you can muster, however that looks @Rain.

Thank you so much for saying this to me tonight. I will never cease to be amazed at your kindness and thoughtfulness. Hugs.