The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

I say this with love -- that's my disclaimer....

Are you kidding me with this?? OMG. You shower love...

You made me laugh @Freida . Thanks for that.
I'm so up for taking the wet noodle smack. My guilt addled brain knows I totally deserve that.

 

[mumstheword]

I say this with love -- that's my disclaimer....

Are you kidding me with this?? OMG. You shower love...

I read this out to my boyfriend. We both laughed. He said it was funny and well put, saved him from having to get up me.

I'm crying now, I laughed and then tears came. I feel relief and am overwhelmed at the love here, for me, from you @Freida , and you @Rain and @NinjaWolf. Healing tears. Being well thought of still gets me, makes me feel a warm rush of surprise and relief. So grateful.

 

[mumstheword]

I've been in a funk for a bit so this is the first chance I 've had to catch up on your dairy.

Congra...

Thank you so much for this @Freida. You know, you really are an incredibly caring, gutzy, compassionate and brilliant woman. I know you struggle to know this, because, like me, you've taken on huge amounts of responsibility (you much more than I, in many ways) and expected way too much of your self, I know this comes out of a very loving heart.

I want you to know that I see the beauty of @Freida, you astound me and awe me with your strength, decency and courage but I'm guessing that stuff isn't going to be something that you will want to acknowledge too readily.

You see my pain with the kids very clearly. You are absolutely on the money about that. I know it's hugely about my unresolved childhood pain too, I struggle with projection of that onto my actual children. The other part is the lack of other-familial support with and for them.

I will be lucky if my kids stay out of psych wards, prisons and abusive relationships of their own, thanks to my damaged-teen momness and their Dad's unbelievable malignant narcissism and criminality and kinda brilliant others-destruction, manipulative talents.

He is a clever, wily, cunning one. Very slippery.

If I take him down, he'll make sure he takes all of us down with him, no question.
That's a lot of stress for me to live with.

They are being amazing people though. They really are all decent people.
A lady I used to sing for/with for a long time, once told me "the kids will be ok N, they have your genes, they're half-you, they are going to be ok."

Yes they rejected me, abused me, hurt me but only for their own survival.

Now my big daughter is being so loving and kind, I can hardly believe it. I'm not so used to getting all this love back. Only with my guy, am I getting accustomed to reciprocal love and care.

I want to be used to it though, it feels good, almost overwhelming and I'm a bit awkward about it sometimes, but it's good. I like it a lot. It's making me cry again, rereading and thinking about all this stuff.

Good tears.

 

[ladee]

Your understanding of your children needing to save themselves just shows the insight and unconditional love you have for them. I only have one kid to worry about... you are stretched so thin worrying about yours, plus dealing with your own life and healing... it is so very hard to be anywhere near kind to our self going thru what you are.

I agree with @Freida about the love and support you give others here. You are an important part of this place. And hope you start to get some of that back... you are carrying a huge load.... please make sure you are on the top of that list... lots of gentle hugs

 

[mumstheword]

Your understanding of your children needing to save themselves just shows the insight and unconditional l...

Thank you so much @ladee you are very kind.
It's lovely to feel wanted and appreciated.:-)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I want to be used to it though, it feels good, almost overwhelming and I'm a bit awkward about it sometimes, but it's good.

I am very happy for you and I do think it will take some time to fully grasp everything returning back to you, but I do no think you will ever get used to it after what you have been through. I do think you will have a enjoyable deep appreciation that most normal people will never be able to comprehend.:hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Birthing myself anew
Becoming somebody mature and true
I am my own best friend and my own.worst enemy
I am the source and the creation
of my own perception
Reality shaped by forces unknown and known
Travelled and untrod
Security is faith in the unseen and mining for treasure amidst the dross
Present in the moment, not caught up in loss
Love is openness to meeting what is
Frightening though it may be, it can also be bliss
How can we truly know ourselves if we don't know fear?
It's the only way to build courage, let me make that clear
Facing it, moving through it, brings heart to bear on what's dear
My friend my lover my source and my Divine Father
One and the Same in God's Spiritual domain
Life, light, awareness, love, power and Laws
The witness and forgiver for all perceived flaws
My Love is truly felt for you, you are what's true
You are my Beloved, coveted.
Mother is earth, Queen of my birth
Nurturer, I am you, you wrap me in your body and give me riches beyond reason
Every emotion for a season
Every feeling is a clue, a piece of a puzzle
A facet of an expansive view
Life is beautiful and terrible and truly a gift and I am you.

 

[mumstheword]

I am very happy for you and I do think it will take some time to fully grasp everything returning back to...

So true! :-) i can still hardly believe that S likes me (my guy friend) but it's been quite a few years now and he keeps sticking around and being a loving friend (with benefits).

 

[mumstheword]

Today I'm dealing with how dangerous the world feels for me. I don't trust it much at all. I don't have faith that it will treat me well BUT I've worked really hard to build up the courage and belief that I can be treated and supported in a hospital. So I'm making significant progress!

 

[ninja]

(((mumstheword))) Thinking of you and sending kindness. :):hug:

 

[mumstheword]

(((mumstheword))) Thinking of you and sending kindness. :):hug:

Sweet lovely NinjaWolf, sending some your way too:hug:.

 

[mumstheword]

Words aren't coming easily. I drank last night, against my better judgement, now my brain- injury-feeling is worse. I think I was sabotaging myself because I spent some time giving myself lymph draining massage, after I made myself an oil blend. My guy even did some leg massage on me. So good.

Interestingly, I intuitively bought a variety of oils all good for lymphatic system drainage. I hadn't even thought about it when I bought all those oils.
My blend had; orange oil,
Lemon,
Rosemary, Peppermint, Geranium, Angelica, Cedarwood with an Olive oil base.
Yes, I have a not-too-bad-but-not-great lymph situation.
Not helped by this freeze&hide sitch.
I'm proud of myself that I actually had the self-care practise to make myself the oil blend though.
Self care is one of those things that require so much brain training. Rerouting the self -negation, self not-caring, not worthy engrained conditioning. Keep correcting and instead thinking, I'm ok, I'm deserving of my own compassion and care, I'm worthy of my own consideration and care. Damn, not the easiest thing to do, that's for sure.