The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

So so tired today. My big accomplishment was making a healthy and delicious lunch for the kids and us.

I had a nap. It's wet, cold and I'm too too tired.
My habitual is to feel guilty for it though.

Too bad, doing it anyway.

I don't have babies anymore, nor am I working, studying or having to put up with someone abusive.
My brain is too tired for just about everything. I have stuff I want to express on here but meh, can't be f*cked. Later.
Gone are the days then I have to achieve outstandingly to feel worthy of taking up air, now I just want to be well.

 

[mumstheword]

I sense I am changing, unfurling, opening and finding my feet. Like a woman in the night, touching the ground tentatively, with her toes, feeling hesitantly, the water's edge.
I hedge around things that hurt. I niggle at the edges, teasing the knots that bind me, nipping at them with nimble fingers, kneading muscles that bury the strain, the frozen and isolated pain within.
It's changing, this sense of me. Not so held in, not so stifled, gagged or hiding. I have a path, a route, a way through, I'm smiling more, feeling surer, finding safe places and people. I'm on my path.

 

[ladee]

That was beautiful @mumstheword , and so fitting for where you are... and am so looking forward to getting to meet the woman that is not bound by pain... as I know you are... walking with you... almost there !! hugs

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you sweet @ladee ! :-)
My neck is out, makes me feel like half my brain is offline.
I'm soooo psyched about my impending admin though!
Got a horrible letter from housing, sounds like our narcy, nasty neighbor is trying to cause problems for us with housing and we both find this kind of thing reeeeeaaaaallllly triggery, so we've had a couple of bad episodes.

Yesterday I got my guy to let me off in the middle of nowhere and he actually drove off for a while and left me there. I couldn't sit in the car with him yelling at me all cog distorted. We gave up on trying to go into housing and sort it out, too rattled by far. We will try again today.

They haven't a clue on how to relate to people with disabilities, it's obvious, even though the majority of their tenants would be on disability, have probably come from homelessness or DV or else are still living in domestic violence or domestic abuse.

I want to ask them, do you have anyone who's been trained in trauma informed care working here? because I think I'm going to need to take my own advocate in with me, If not this time, then for when.shit gets complicated or kinda bully-y. Coz the letter they wrote was a bullying letter. Completely unnecessary.
I have so much to do now, kids lunches, housing bullying letters to address, last-minute prep for going into hos. Better go!

 

[mumstheword]

Update; it couldn't have gone better with housing if we got to cook up an ideal outcome and have it happen in real life! :) :happy::joyful::hug::p:woot: !!!!
We have a new tenancy manager who we hadn't met yet, well she was the one who wrote the letter and she wasn't there today. Because I won't be around for 3 weeks and she'd given.us an ultimatum and a deadline, for when I'm not here, we got to talk to our Area manager.

She was soooooo lovely!

She's fairly new too. She also has PTSD and grew up in gov housing and she got everything!
It turns out (reading between the lines) that our narcy neighbor has made a police report, a complete fabrication, accusing my beautiful, gentle-but-not-a-take-it-up-the-**s(s)-kinda-guy, of all manner of mean and bully-y things, so the police had rung housing and then the new tenancy manager had responded to the police call with the letter.
Anyway we got it all sorted and we applied to move! So we might be getting outa here!

However the lovely Area manager also understood that we are not the only family suffering from this one neighbor and that actually, they understand and want to help and support us with this situation.

Such a different response to last time we went to them for help with this situation!
Such a relief! We are kind of over the moon.

 

[Freida]

I'm so happy for you!!

 

[mumstheword]

My kids hung out with me more than they have in a fair while. Youngest Dawty is going for a scholarship and was under a pile of homework. I helped. We got a lot of it done. She just got her first job and is at the beginning of her HSC.

I am leaving her in the very capable hands of many, including my bestie guy buddy. It will be a very grown up time. Organizing her scholarship, working part time in a pizza shop, studying full-time. I know she will be fine. Lots of support; older siblings, teachers, friends, staff, Dad's even, and me by phone.

She was sweet all "I want to spend time with you, before you go away".:joyful::p:hug:.
Come to think of it, they both said that.

Young fella kept wanting to interact while I was helping his sister with her scholarship.

He was understanding though, when I grumped at him about being busy.

I often spend time with him, when, technically, it's probably a bit too late. Convos blow out and I'm still working on boundaries around that. He was super tired though and went early for once. We still got to hang a little.

My girl I haven't seen much of at all, lately.
Except for tonight :)

Neck pain from whatever I-did-to-it-at-NIA last tuesday. Hurts, much. Been on painkiller and sleeper pills.
Leeeeeetle bit-of-a-mess.
half of brain feels like it's under seige.
Only two sleeps to go!

I'm feeling good about how the kids are going, which is amazing. They are all ok, and most are now young grown ups.
Which is a really lovely feeling place to be on the eve of the eve, of my exodus.

I mean, I don't fully know how every single one of my children is going, only those up here.

Two are interstate, but they are men now.

Wow. What a journey. Life, eh.

 

[mumstheword]

I want to live well
Give well
Get well
Be well
Love well
Share well
Care well
Come well
See well
Write well
Sing well
Ring well
believe in being well
Staying well
Eating well
Loving well
Wellness for me :-)

 

[ladee]

Almost there and many things falling into place that will keep your mind focused on healing while you are gone... What a beautiful thing to see before you leave.
Do you mind if I copy your above post and hang it in my home?? sums up life... like it, a lot...

Almost there, thinking of you and sending tons of healing energy your way.. time away, to focus on you... so happy for you!! Gentle hugs..

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you @Freida and at @ladee ! For sharing in my hopeful recovery time with me :-)
@ladee - you are so welcome to copy and display the above poem. It started coming to me while I was making fruit salad last night, and I had to hold it in until I got into bed and I remembered it! A big accomplishment for my very-often-forgetful brain (of late). :-)

 

[Sideways]

Take things as they come, ride the emotional wave, be gentle with yourself whenever you can.

And of course, we’ve got your back. Check in here for support when you need:)

Oh, and truly - take something you can cuddle!!

 

[mumstheword]

Take things as they come, ride the emotional wave, be gentle with yourself whenever you can.

And of c...

I actually went and bought a big, soft, furry frog toy to take up, after you mentioned that last time! I wanted to tell you but things went a bit crazy for a couple of days.:-) . I thought my guy was going to tease me about it, but, surprisingly, he didn't make fun of me over it!
I love him! (My froggy and of course, my guy friend).
I will be giving updates and doing my usually processing through writing here thing. Thanks for the support! It means a lot to me:cry::hug::O_o::tup: @Sideways