J
Joehogan76
Hello all. I've been through hell the last six and a half months. I am a christian, and so is my wife, and God has kept me strong, otherwise I would have ended my life.
A little back story:
My wife of 17 years is diagnosed with PTSD (rape) and Bipolar Disorder. She had a very traumatic childhood. There was a molestation when she was very young, her best friend committed suicide, she was sexually abused by her brother in law, she was gang raped as a teen, and then after our first daughter was born, she was attacked and raped, becoming pregnant.
We've had ups and downs in our marriage. After the rape, we decided to have an abortion. We were both very young, and very scared. I remember expressing that I wasn't sure I could raise a rapists baby. Looking back, I knew I could. Little did I know she would harbor those feelings against me for years, until one night at a banquet for a group we were in for victims of abuse, she approached me during her testimony and let me know this. She also asked for my forgiveness for that, and told me she forgave me. 12-13 years ago she had a short affair. In the years after, during counseling and seeing the psychiatrist, she was diagnosed with PTSD, and later with Bipolar. About 9 years ago, we discovered the very early stages of cervical cancer, in addition to adenomyosis. We had a hysterectomy, but were able to keep her ovaries. I have endured nasty mood swings and humiliating public displays of hatred toward me. Through all of it, I have loved my wife with everything I have. I love her unconditionally.
About a year ago, she stopped taking one of her meds for bipolar. We couldn't afford it after I got laid off from a great job. We were doing ok, but the stress of surviving, and trying to get a new company off the ground put her into a depression. I was working a second job in the evening to try and pay bills, and her medication, but she never went back on it. My wife was taking Effexor and Thorazine. Now she is only on the effexor. Before this, we were doing great. She was always telling people how lucky she was to have a husband like me. All of her friends got sick of hearing our sex life, too.
A little over 6 months ago, we had just gotten off of an incredible week, while our girls were away at church camp, reconnecting. Lots of good sex, and time together. That weekend, I found some disturbing stuff on her phone; texts about a guy trying to hook up with her, and snapchats where they were sending dirty pics back and forth (she had also been sending the dirty pics to me).
When I confronted her, she started dropping huge bombs that I just didn't understand at the time. She claimed I had been abusive for years, that she felt I didn't desire her, and that I couldn't give her body what it desired. I asked her how I'd been abusive, and she told me I belittle her and berate her. I was blown away! I asked her to give me some specific examples so I could understand, but she couldn't. She told me I had been tearing our kids down, too. I'm not perfect, but I've always tried to be the best dad I could be. I've definitely made a few mistakes here and there, though. But I noticed that the boundaries I was putting in place for my kids were being undermined. I just couldn't understand. I've always tried to build my wife up; telling her how beautiful she is, how much I love her, when she gets down on herself, I'd try to lift her back up (she always rejected these things, even though she knew I meant them).
The next night, i approached her and told her that I was hurt that she thought I didn't desire her. I told her I always have and always will. I kissed her, and we started making out. One thing led to another, and we had sex. We had a long talk afterward about our relationship, and how she felt dead inside, and she just wanted to go out and feel something. She slept on the couch that night. The next morning, she came into the room as I was getting up, and I think I had a panic attack. I'm not sure, but I had a flood of different emotions, I couldn't look her in the eye, and she asked what was wrong. I said I don't know, but I needed some space and couldn't be around her in that moment. I walked out of the room, and into another room to get my head on straight. After a few minutes of processing, I went back into the bedroom and she was packing a bag. She left a little bit later to stay with a friend.
A few days later she asked if I knew why she left, I said I wasn't sure, but that we needed space. That's when she told me that I had hurt her during sex, and that the next morning when I was acting weird, it scared her. I had no idea I hurt her. I asked what happened, and she explained that I had gone too hard at one point during sex and hurt her (we often are somewhat vigorous during sex, with her always asking me to go harder). I asked her why she didn't say anything, and she said because she was scared. I apologized to her, and felt terrible. I had no idea... on my side, she was interactive, she appeared to be enjoying herself, she even helped me finish, then held me for a bit afterwards.
A week later, I found out she was telling all her friends, family, and some people at the church that I raped her. When I found this out, I was floored. When I confronted her about this, all she would say is "you raped me, I don't want you touching me ever again". Eventually, I got some more information out of her, and she admitted that the sex was consensual, but in the middle, when I hurt her, she said it was like her rapist was raping her all over again. She said that she froze up on the inside, but on the outside, she let me believe that everything was ok so it would be over with. (in the last 6 months the story has now evolved into she never had the chance to give consent, and I came into the room with the intention of raping her...I actually have a friend who was present for the conversation where she talked about it being consensual, and she recorded it).
In the last 6 months, she has stayed with friends, came home twice for about a week at a time (in the first 2 months). During the time at home, she slept in another room, but we would make dinner together, she would have me run errands for her, and she could be around me, but was always texting other guys. Each time she was home, when I would approach her about getting help, she would send me on an errand, and when I would come back, her and the kids would be gone. The last time, she checked into a domestic violence shelter, stayed there for a few months, and then got into an income assisted apartment where she now lives with our daughters.
During this 6.5 months of separation, there has been so much confusion coming from her, ranging from her telling me that nobody will ever love her like I do, and how much I'm worth in her eyes, she loves me, she misses what we have (but not me), to some of the most hurtful verbal abuse I've ever encountered; for instance "dont worry about me and the girls, theyre not yours anymore. I'll find a badass man and he'll be a badass husband and he'll take care of us". She also sometimes tells me when shes had a rough emotional week, or that this hurts so bad, but wants a divorce (she hasn't filed yet). Everytime I try to urge her to go see someone with me (especially her psych), she won't. In fact, she recently did tell me that she will go to counseling, a PTSD specialist, and her psych with me, but not until after we are divorced, because she doesn't want anything said to be used against her.
During this time, she got addicted to KIK, and would be sending nudes of herself to any guy who asked for them. She has fallen in love with 3 or 4 online guys, only to hate them afterwards. I have reason to believe she was drinking with my older daughter (16 at the time). I recently found out that shes been buying our older daughter dip (snuff, like copenhagen). I think my older daughter is doing drugs, but I can't prove it. My wife got herself involved with an online catfish, and got my younger daughter involved in 3 way conversation with him, where she was saying things like "my mom wants to see your penis", with no repercussion from my wife. Now, as of last week, my wife has had a guys staying at her apartment with her and my kids, claiming he's just a friend. My younger daughter even says this, but it's still shady. She met him on a "naughty" kik group, and had never met him in person until she had him come stay. He's from about 8 hours away, and I think they're having a relationship.
My wife has changed her name, and also adopted this alter ego "Wonder Woman", and shes obsessed with it. I watched her buy $130 worth of wonder woman shirts a few weeks ago.
I wanted to share this in full transparency because I love my family more than anything on this planet, and I know I would never hurt them. I feel like I'm in a crazy nightmare, and I'm worried I'll develop PTSD from this. I have called numerous rape hotlines desparate to understand why she feels this way, and they tell me that I didn't rape her.....except one. That one told me "if on the inside, your wife didn't want to have sex, it doesn't matter if she didn't say anything, or even pretended to be ok with it, it's still rape". I was like, "how am I supposed to know?" and she told me I wouldn't. I was like WTF! By that logic, my wife has raped me before, since there were times I didn't want to, but because she wanted to, I did anyway, lovingly, to fulfill her needs. Also, by the logic that since I inadvertently hurt her, shes done the same to me before (17 years of marriage, accidents happen), but I don't feel raped.
I believe this is a nasty combination of her PTSD, Bipolar, and improper meds....but sometimes, because of the emotional trauma, I try to look at myself and try to see the monster that she says I am, but I can't find it. Everyone that knows us reassures me that I am not. I know myself, but I have no idea how to help my wife...
A little back story:
My wife of 17 years is diagnosed with PTSD (rape) and Bipolar Disorder. She had a very traumatic childhood. There was a molestation when she was very young, her best friend committed suicide, she was sexually abused by her brother in law, she was gang raped as a teen, and then after our first daughter was born, she was attacked and raped, becoming pregnant.
We've had ups and downs in our marriage. After the rape, we decided to have an abortion. We were both very young, and very scared. I remember expressing that I wasn't sure I could raise a rapists baby. Looking back, I knew I could. Little did I know she would harbor those feelings against me for years, until one night at a banquet for a group we were in for victims of abuse, she approached me during her testimony and let me know this. She also asked for my forgiveness for that, and told me she forgave me. 12-13 years ago she had a short affair. In the years after, during counseling and seeing the psychiatrist, she was diagnosed with PTSD, and later with Bipolar. About 9 years ago, we discovered the very early stages of cervical cancer, in addition to adenomyosis. We had a hysterectomy, but were able to keep her ovaries. I have endured nasty mood swings and humiliating public displays of hatred toward me. Through all of it, I have loved my wife with everything I have. I love her unconditionally.
About a year ago, she stopped taking one of her meds for bipolar. We couldn't afford it after I got laid off from a great job. We were doing ok, but the stress of surviving, and trying to get a new company off the ground put her into a depression. I was working a second job in the evening to try and pay bills, and her medication, but she never went back on it. My wife was taking Effexor and Thorazine. Now she is only on the effexor. Before this, we were doing great. She was always telling people how lucky she was to have a husband like me. All of her friends got sick of hearing our sex life, too.
A little over 6 months ago, we had just gotten off of an incredible week, while our girls were away at church camp, reconnecting. Lots of good sex, and time together. That weekend, I found some disturbing stuff on her phone; texts about a guy trying to hook up with her, and snapchats where they were sending dirty pics back and forth (she had also been sending the dirty pics to me).
When I confronted her, she started dropping huge bombs that I just didn't understand at the time. She claimed I had been abusive for years, that she felt I didn't desire her, and that I couldn't give her body what it desired. I asked her how I'd been abusive, and she told me I belittle her and berate her. I was blown away! I asked her to give me some specific examples so I could understand, but she couldn't. She told me I had been tearing our kids down, too. I'm not perfect, but I've always tried to be the best dad I could be. I've definitely made a few mistakes here and there, though. But I noticed that the boundaries I was putting in place for my kids were being undermined. I just couldn't understand. I've always tried to build my wife up; telling her how beautiful she is, how much I love her, when she gets down on herself, I'd try to lift her back up (she always rejected these things, even though she knew I meant them).
The next night, i approached her and told her that I was hurt that she thought I didn't desire her. I told her I always have and always will. I kissed her, and we started making out. One thing led to another, and we had sex. We had a long talk afterward about our relationship, and how she felt dead inside, and she just wanted to go out and feel something. She slept on the couch that night. The next morning, she came into the room as I was getting up, and I think I had a panic attack. I'm not sure, but I had a flood of different emotions, I couldn't look her in the eye, and she asked what was wrong. I said I don't know, but I needed some space and couldn't be around her in that moment. I walked out of the room, and into another room to get my head on straight. After a few minutes of processing, I went back into the bedroom and she was packing a bag. She left a little bit later to stay with a friend.
A few days later she asked if I knew why she left, I said I wasn't sure, but that we needed space. That's when she told me that I had hurt her during sex, and that the next morning when I was acting weird, it scared her. I had no idea I hurt her. I asked what happened, and she explained that I had gone too hard at one point during sex and hurt her (we often are somewhat vigorous during sex, with her always asking me to go harder). I asked her why she didn't say anything, and she said because she was scared. I apologized to her, and felt terrible. I had no idea... on my side, she was interactive, she appeared to be enjoying herself, she even helped me finish, then held me for a bit afterwards.
A week later, I found out she was telling all her friends, family, and some people at the church that I raped her. When I found this out, I was floored. When I confronted her about this, all she would say is "you raped me, I don't want you touching me ever again". Eventually, I got some more information out of her, and she admitted that the sex was consensual, but in the middle, when I hurt her, she said it was like her rapist was raping her all over again. She said that she froze up on the inside, but on the outside, she let me believe that everything was ok so it would be over with. (in the last 6 months the story has now evolved into she never had the chance to give consent, and I came into the room with the intention of raping her...I actually have a friend who was present for the conversation where she talked about it being consensual, and she recorded it).
In the last 6 months, she has stayed with friends, came home twice for about a week at a time (in the first 2 months). During the time at home, she slept in another room, but we would make dinner together, she would have me run errands for her, and she could be around me, but was always texting other guys. Each time she was home, when I would approach her about getting help, she would send me on an errand, and when I would come back, her and the kids would be gone. The last time, she checked into a domestic violence shelter, stayed there for a few months, and then got into an income assisted apartment where she now lives with our daughters.
During this 6.5 months of separation, there has been so much confusion coming from her, ranging from her telling me that nobody will ever love her like I do, and how much I'm worth in her eyes, she loves me, she misses what we have (but not me), to some of the most hurtful verbal abuse I've ever encountered; for instance "dont worry about me and the girls, theyre not yours anymore. I'll find a badass man and he'll be a badass husband and he'll take care of us". She also sometimes tells me when shes had a rough emotional week, or that this hurts so bad, but wants a divorce (she hasn't filed yet). Everytime I try to urge her to go see someone with me (especially her psych), she won't. In fact, she recently did tell me that she will go to counseling, a PTSD specialist, and her psych with me, but not until after we are divorced, because she doesn't want anything said to be used against her.
During this time, she got addicted to KIK, and would be sending nudes of herself to any guy who asked for them. She has fallen in love with 3 or 4 online guys, only to hate them afterwards. I have reason to believe she was drinking with my older daughter (16 at the time). I recently found out that shes been buying our older daughter dip (snuff, like copenhagen). I think my older daughter is doing drugs, but I can't prove it. My wife got herself involved with an online catfish, and got my younger daughter involved in 3 way conversation with him, where she was saying things like "my mom wants to see your penis", with no repercussion from my wife. Now, as of last week, my wife has had a guys staying at her apartment with her and my kids, claiming he's just a friend. My younger daughter even says this, but it's still shady. She met him on a "naughty" kik group, and had never met him in person until she had him come stay. He's from about 8 hours away, and I think they're having a relationship.
My wife has changed her name, and also adopted this alter ego "Wonder Woman", and shes obsessed with it. I watched her buy $130 worth of wonder woman shirts a few weeks ago.
I wanted to share this in full transparency because I love my family more than anything on this planet, and I know I would never hurt them. I feel like I'm in a crazy nightmare, and I'm worried I'll develop PTSD from this. I have called numerous rape hotlines desparate to understand why she feels this way, and they tell me that I didn't rape her.....except one. That one told me "if on the inside, your wife didn't want to have sex, it doesn't matter if she didn't say anything, or even pretended to be ok with it, it's still rape". I was like, "how am I supposed to know?" and she told me I wouldn't. I was like WTF! By that logic, my wife has raped me before, since there were times I didn't want to, but because she wanted to, I did anyway, lovingly, to fulfill her needs. Also, by the logic that since I inadvertently hurt her, shes done the same to me before (17 years of marriage, accidents happen), but I don't feel raped.
I believe this is a nasty combination of her PTSD, Bipolar, and improper meds....but sometimes, because of the emotional trauma, I try to look at myself and try to see the monster that she says I am, but I can't find it. Everyone that knows us reassures me that I am not. I know myself, but I have no idea how to help my wife...
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