Gs172003
Diamond Member
I used to know a guy like that. He only wanted women that were "unavailable". If they could commit he didn't want them. The ones he would be with he never went to them they all came to him. It was a game.
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General Simple question, why does therapy make you feel worse?
- Post starter BoyfriendqwithPTSD
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DharmaGirl
VIP Member
Why don't you stay on the forum? You are welcome here, and it is will help you with your feelings. You are an intelligent, thoughtful person and it would be nice to see you post some more.
@BoyfriendqwithPTSD Nothing to apologize for. Sometimes it's really difficult to adequately explain the complexities of what's going on on here. Then advice is given that doesn't quite apply and it's easy to want to explain more, which can sound defensive. It's quite alright, you're here for the right reasons.
What is a little out of the ordinary, however, is saying this to your partner. What are you supposed to do with that information? This is incredibly hurtful and it's creating unnecessary insecurities for you. What does he mean "the right partner"? Who are you to him then?
There is such a thing as bad verbal boundaries. If my partner said this to me, I'd tell him to make up his mind or get out. This could just be me, but I'm not going to sit around and wait whether someone wants to be with me or not. It's totally fine and normal to go through periods of doubt within a relationship. But there's a right way to handle it and an unnecessarily damaging way.
After 7 years, of course, that's rough. But I think the rules still apply.
Reading more about this, I get the feeling that perhaps a little physical and emotional distance would do you two some good. Right now you're at the mercy of his every up and down. One day you're good enough, the next day you're not. One day it's you, the next it's not. All this is painful. And he needs to make up his mind.
What would happen if you told him that you yourself would like some space and don't want to be available to him until he's made up his mind? I know this is hard...
I think this is always an important question to ask. A second option would be: "Is this PTSD or is he feeling way to comfortable/isn't getting any push back for things that hurt you unnecessarily?" That's a far cry from just being a jerk because it involves two people.
That's a good sign. And you also say that therapy may be helping him to see more clearly what is and isn't you. That's all great. What can you do for you or what boundaries can you set for yourself while he comes to a conclusion for himself?
I think that's fairly standard for most people. Time, experience, etc. always proves it to be false, but there's nothing out of the ordinary thinking like this.
What is a little out of the ordinary, however, is saying this to your partner. What are you supposed to do with that information? This is incredibly hurtful and it's creating unnecessary insecurities for you. What does he mean "the right partner"? Who are you to him then?
There is such a thing as bad verbal boundaries. If my partner said this to me, I'd tell him to make up his mind or get out. This could just be me, but I'm not going to sit around and wait whether someone wants to be with me or not. It's totally fine and normal to go through periods of doubt within a relationship. But there's a right way to handle it and an unnecessarily damaging way.
After 7 years, of course, that's rough. But I think the rules still apply.
Another good sign.
Reading more about this, I get the feeling that perhaps a little physical and emotional distance would do you two some good. Right now you're at the mercy of his every up and down. One day you're good enough, the next day you're not. One day it's you, the next it's not. All this is painful. And he needs to make up his mind.
What would happen if you told him that you yourself would like some space and don't want to be available to him until he's made up his mind? I know this is hard...
- Post starter
- #52
BoyfriendqwithPTSD
Silver Member
@DharmaGirl thats a lovely thing to say, thank you. I am staying on the forum. Its helped me a lot.
@Hojay
My SO is still young and quite immature. In my opinion, he hasn't seen enough of the world/met different people/experienced enough. When he tells me about "meeting the right girl", I agree, it isn't very nice of him to tell me. However, in is mind he feels he is being honest and actually doing the right thing to tell me. He is VERY vocal as a person, he gets quite emotional, very affected by what OTHERS say and do. He can't take it if anyone would have a bad opinion of him. Like mentioned above, he is always looking for a thrill. I think this is common if you aren't mature enough, but I do feel like with time and maturity you learn to be grateful of the more mundane things in life.
I always do tell him that maybe he shouldn't "overshare" (as I call it), as his opinion do switch. For example: he sometimes says that he needs to meet the "right person" in order to be truly happy. a, I think thats impossible. People don't fix us. Also with PTSD, there is no such quick fix. b, he says that statement but then many times realises "YOU are the right one".
But he will say stuff in the moment, and it hurts. He overshares, he gets emotional and can't recognise it. At those times, I do tell him "well if its not me then we need to break our relationship of", where as his reaction then becomes very frustrated and he says "IN RELATIONSHIPS, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS..BUT YOU ALWAYS JUST WANT TO BREAK UP AND LEAVE ANYTIME I TELL YOU WHAT IM THINKING!"
And then gets very angry at me. Although I respect and love this man very much, I have to admit that he is very complicated. His upbringing is a huge factor to why he has always suffered from anxiety and now ptsd. But @Hojay you are absolutely right, distance is necessary and that is what we are trying to do atm.
lots of love!
@Hojay
My SO is still young and quite immature. In my opinion, he hasn't seen enough of the world/met different people/experienced enough. When he tells me about "meeting the right girl", I agree, it isn't very nice of him to tell me. However, in is mind he feels he is being honest and actually doing the right thing to tell me. He is VERY vocal as a person, he gets quite emotional, very affected by what OTHERS say and do. He can't take it if anyone would have a bad opinion of him. Like mentioned above, he is always looking for a thrill. I think this is common if you aren't mature enough, but I do feel like with time and maturity you learn to be grateful of the more mundane things in life.
I always do tell him that maybe he shouldn't "overshare" (as I call it), as his opinion do switch. For example: he sometimes says that he needs to meet the "right person" in order to be truly happy. a, I think thats impossible. People don't fix us. Also with PTSD, there is no such quick fix. b, he says that statement but then many times realises "YOU are the right one".
But he will say stuff in the moment, and it hurts. He overshares, he gets emotional and can't recognise it. At those times, I do tell him "well if its not me then we need to break our relationship of", where as his reaction then becomes very frustrated and he says "IN RELATIONSHIPS, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS..BUT YOU ALWAYS JUST WANT TO BREAK UP AND LEAVE ANYTIME I TELL YOU WHAT IM THINKING!"
And then gets very angry at me. Although I respect and love this man very much, I have to admit that he is very complicated. His upbringing is a huge factor to why he has always suffered from anxiety and now ptsd. But @Hojay you are absolutely right, distance is necessary and that is what we are trying to do atm.
lots of love!
DharmaGirl
VIP Member
That's not a discussion thing. "You aren't right for me" is a statement. If he said he didn't feel up to a relationship now, you could discuss it, but saying you are the wrong girl is mean and not the way to start up a discussion. You aren't his therapist. I had a friend who would give me a laundry list of things she didn't like about me, and I would say, "If these things bother you so much, why remain friends?" There were many, many things. She told me I should have responded, "I'm sorry you feel that way, how can we solve this?" Oh HELL no. If you don't like a lot of things about me, go away. I'm not going to "fix myself" into something you like. Sorry, a little triggered there, lol.
- Post starter
- #54
BoyfriendqwithPTSD
Silver Member
@DharmaGirl thanks for your reply. It’s never nice to hear, I’m sorry your friend said that. She doesn’t seem like a great friend.
I think With my SO, he has all these thoughts and then feels ‘guilty’ if he doesn’t talk about them. He’s got a lot of anxiety, GAD diagnosis, and other mental health issues so he is constantly on fight/flight. It’s just his way of communicating, not that I agree with it.
I think With my SO, he has all these thoughts and then feels ‘guilty’ if he doesn’t talk about them. He’s got a lot of anxiety, GAD diagnosis, and other mental health issues so he is constantly on fight/flight. It’s just his way of communicating, not that I agree with it.
W
Worst therapist ever
I went to a therapist once who on the first session said to me "tell me what the worst thing that happened to you is". It was my first visit, I haven't established any trust with her, she knew nothing about me and she wants to know the worst thing that happened to me.
EveHarrington
VIP Member
Super like.
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