Yes, they will!
I was in a relationship with a combat vet that I see now was abusive. In the end, as pathetic as it sounds actually saying it, another relationship is what helped me leave....not even that really, but the possibility of another relationship, a healthy one. I told him I would leave again if he put hands on me. He did, we took a short break. Then he did again. I initiated a break again. When people used to ask me what I saw in him or why I was drawn to him, I would say that I felt we had this connection -- we got along well, there was never a dull moment or any awkwardness. But then I realized.....wait, I connect with everyone. I am a charismatic, loving, energetic, devoted individual that enjoys interacting with people, whether new or not. So having a "connection" with someone isn't enough of a reason to stay in a relationship that doesn't even allow me to truly be myself in the first place!
Luckily, we were already living separately. I also went through the range of excuses: I need to get the rest of my things back, I'll miss his dog, I'll miss his family, it's so many years to throw away, etc. In the end? I didn't get all of my things back. It was pricey to change all the locks, and kind of embarrassing to have to tell my neighbors to please be on the lookout for any males around my house. It was hard to have his family blame me (I realize now how enabling they are). It was hard to lose our mutual friends. It was hard to give up on something I had spent so much time working on. And it was hard to call the police and get advice (and a phone call on record) on what I should do next when he showed up at my house months later.
If you truly want to leave, my recommendations would be:
- Pack the most important/valuable things. Even better if you're able to do it while he is gone.
- Call and give your family the heads up.
- Don't take anything of his that might need to be exchanged later (house/apartment keys, etc.)
- Drive home.
- Once you're safely there, notify your landlord and anyone else (job, etc.)
- Send him a message (short and sweet) that is is over. Then block his (and his family/friends) phone number, email, social media, etc.
- Call the domestic violence hotline for advice. Sometimes it's nice just to talk to someone removed from the situation, especially if it gets hard to talk to friends and family. I called multiple times when I was going through my break up and it did help.
- Script a message (short and sweet) that you copy and paste each time a friend or family of his attempts to contact you on their own or on his behalf. Consistency here helps. Reply with the scripted message, then block the person from contacting you that way again.
- If the police have never been called about the relationship before (I had never called before), consider calling to talk to an officer asking for advice about how to proceed (whether that's a protective order, seeking harassment charges, etc.). Make sure that the call is recorded so that if something does happen moving forward, you at least have that on your side. At the very least, they should be able to direct you to the right department/resource.
- Start keeping a written record of everything -- any threats he makes, attempts to contact you after you've asked him to stop, etc.
- If he knows where the house you're moving to is, take caution when you're out and about. Be mindful of your surroundings.
- No matter what, DO NOT RESPOND to him. No matter what he says or does. (I know how hard this can be. Mine threatened suicide more than once after the breakup. I responded by calling a family member of his with the information and left it to them to handle. Or 911 for a welfare check is always an option.) Most likely, you can talk yourself blue in the face trying to explain it to him, but at the end of the day, relationships are voluntary. As soon as someone doesn't want to be in a relationship, they have the right to leave and they do not have to explain themselves. Relationships are always voluntary. He will most likely just keep trying to convince you to come back and, if he's anything like my ex, I'm sure he knows just what to say to make that happen.
- Start doing some serious self care! Gym or workout, if that's your thing. Get a therapist (it might require some trial and error at first). Eat right. Treat yourself to some flattering clothes. Cut your hair or do your makeup how you like. Take some time to remember what it's like to be you, not his version of you.
I didn't intend this to be so long. People told me to leave my ex from the very first day I joined this forum and I never listened because it was never "that bad", or "other women had it worse", or "it's not him, it's his PTSD". I spent three years with him and didn't realize how weighed down I was by insecurities and doubts that HE encouraged with his behavior. A few months into the breakup and I feel more myself than I think I have ever felt. I'm so relieved I could cry. Yes, I still look behind me constantly when I'm jogging. Yes, I still triple check that my doors are locked when I get home. Yes, I tense when I see a car that looks like his. Yes, I get up and check every time I see headlights in my bedroom. But you know what else I do? I make my own choices. I smile more. I engage with strangers, when he would shame me for it. I wear what I want to. I wear makeup without him asking "who are you dressing up for?". I can forget my phone somewhere, or simply turn it off, without fear of backlash. I can be proud of my heritage without him belittling it. I can be proud of my education without being mocked for it. I can disagree without fear. I can voice my own opinion without caution. I can be in a relationship with someone who I trust....trust not to put hands on me, trust not to lie to me, trust not to call me names, trust not to threaten me, trust to be respectful to my family and friends, trust to be faithful to me. The ability to trust again in a relationship, and the newfound love I have for myself makes leaving better than I could have ever imagined.
I wish you all the luck in whatever you end up deciding to do :hug:
