Relationship Trust and betrayal

[Mytime]

Or just tell him your uncomfortable having the young man stay at your home.

 

[Freida]

When does he put you first?

that's a pretty simple expectation in a relationship - that you both get a chance to be put first. Because of the PTSD we usually suck up all the notice with our dramas and traumas. But if I want to stay in my marriage I have to try to put hubby first at least once in a while. And it's hard -- especially when I'm symptomatic. That means when I'm not I have to make sure I'm aware of him

It doesn't sound like his ptsd was flaring up when he did the coffee thing. It sounds like he was an idiot who wasn't thinking about the effect on you. Same with the kid coming to stay. I think you need to remember it's ok for you to say no. That you need to come first - especially if you are having relationship problems. Is he truly respecting your boundaries? If so, why is there going to be someone you don't want in your house?
If he insists? I think it's time for a spa weekend for you while the kid is there.

And maybe some couples counseling?

 

[Sighs]

He's still being lovely (well, apart from telling me to shut the f*ck up last night) and I feel really sad that I am not enjoying it. After last year things were so tenuous between us that I could only have dreamt of the loving affection I'm getting at the moment. But I'm still cold to it. FML.

The kid arrives on Monday and will stay til Thurs. I'll be at work most of the time anyway. Its not his fault. He's a tourist out here and my vet offered to show him the country life for a couple of days. I'll just have to see how I feel about it at the time. Sigh!

 

[Hojay]

@Sighs I wouldn't be feeling the love either after everything. Especially because it smells a little like a guilty conscience...without the actual apology, that is.

I can see your bind there with that visitor coming. This is a lot to process and take in. Are you still able to discuss how you're feeling with your vet or has he completely shut down to listening? Is there something he could say or do for you to feel better about what's happened? Anything you can formulate with reasonable clarity?

 

[Freida]

Here's a thought.... How will he treat you when there is someone else in the house? Will he put on a big act and pretend everything is all lovey dovey? Or will he continue to treat you like he has been - as a after thougth? I'm not sure if there is a right or wrong answer but I think it's an interesting question...

 

[Mytime]

When he agreed to having the boy stay at your place, was it when you where out for dinner with his ex and her partner? Did he ask you if it was ok if he stayed?

 

[Sighs]

The ex invited us out to dinner in town. Without asking me he invited them to our place for dinner. He then invited the lad to stay during the dinner. No asking me beforehand.

 

[Mytime]

@Sighs, I can understand why your so hurt. Being in a relationship is 50/50. If he wouldn’t get upset if you met an ex for coffee to talk about him. If he would go out to dinner with your ex and his partner and so on, then maybe he doesn’t get. But if he would loss his sh*t
if you did any of this. Then things need to change in the relationship. I’m not saying stay or go, you can only answer what feels right for you. But only do what feels right for YOU.

You can always ask him, if you did the same would he be ok with it. But before he answer tell him your ex is on speed dial.

 

[Sideways]

If one of your best friends told you, “My partner told me to ‘Shut the f*ck up’...”, seriously - what would you be telling them?

I seem to be watching your self esteem get bashed further and further down. And I’m not sure where your line in the sand is.

But this behaviour towards you? It’s simply not okay. Ptsd really has nothing to do with it, you know?

 

[Sighs]

His behaviour is partly PTSD lashing out but far more often 25 years of military culture. He was a senior NCO. That's how he speaks to people. Not just me. It doesn't always go down well on civvy street! :rolleyes:

Things have shifted though. In the past there was an element of hero worship. I guess I saw him as a romantic tragic figure - an honourable man damaged by the war. Now I see him more as a mere mortal. And perhaps even more importantly, I'm so stung by this that I am no longer willing to put up with being insulted and belittled. If he really thinks I'm that crap of a partner then he best go back to his ex. And I've told him that to his face and I think on a deep level he understands that I mean every word. So we'll see.

 

[Mytime]

@Sighs, I send you support and I really do hope your week goes nice and smooth.

 

[Freida]

I am no longer willing to put up with being insulted and belittled.

good girl!!!