Was my therapist now my best friend

[UnicornSightings]

@UnicornSightings yes your right about past stuff. It was my paternal grandmother. I...

Well, my examples are a bit different so they may or may not help you.

There was my last t and I had super strong maternal transference. I planned on staying there for forever. I tried to leave again and again because I hated how I felt but also felt like I wouldn’t make it without her. I wouldn’t survive. Which is super funny NOW but was a legit fear then. That t ended up taking a long sabbatical and my worst fears were realized. I asked a friend “what if I can’t make it without her (my t)?” She said “then you’ll die”. Lol!!!! And that comment was enough to make me realize how silly the thought was. Now it was really hard and painful and I also wasn’t the one making the choice but the survival is the same. You’ll make it.

Other example is my mother who was incredibly manipulative and everything was about her. I think became dependent on her dependency on me. Like it was my role to care for her. At a breaking point I cut ties with her. 2 and a half years ago. And if I didn’t have the support of my t the guilt would’ve eaten me alive. For that, I didn’t think my mother would survive it. So it’s a different example but similar in the way that leaving a situation that is messing you up is NECESSARY!!!

 

[Bird33]

@UnicornSightings Those examples are very helpful. That’s exactly how I feel. I just wish it was taken out of my hands. I have tried to break away and then she will say or do something and I get pulled right back in. It’s almost like i can’t say no. I know it sounds ridiculous and my husband is getting frustrated with me. It’s totally humiliating. I feel so pathetic. But my ex therapist did things when we were friends, I feel anyway, that made me dependent on her. And I wanted someone that totally understood and would be there for me. She has a traumatic past too so she really understood and we have deep conversations. I am just so confused and messed up. Ugh!

 

[UnicornSightings]

@UnicornSightings Those examples are very helpful. That’s exactly how I feel. I jus...

You’re not messed up. This is just you’re work. We all have work to do, right? And what’s extremely hard for person A is not as difficult for person B but we all have our mountains to climb. This is your work. And it’s your work to post here, to read more, to process your thoughts and feelings, to go through the friendship more, to feel dependent, to feel afraid, to fight with loved ones on it. It’s ultimately YOUR mountain. And you can tackle it whenever you want to. Maybe you need to stay with it for awhile longer before you feel you can really tackle it. Maybe you try to end it a few times and come back and all those disappointments make you do the next thing. History likes to repeat itself so unless you eventually either state your case with her and set some new boundaries or leave then it will fizzle out because of her and those longings you have will be transferred to the next person. All this to say, you’re not doing anything wrong here. This is all part of your path and while we all WANT you to be out of harm’s way (and maybe you’re the one harming yourself here), only you can do that when you’re ready.

 

[DharmaGirl]

What are you going to do? You have lots of kick ass suggestions here and anymore wouldn't be any more helpful. I'm not trying to be mean, but you seem to believe you are stuck in a situation where you have no control. You do have control. What is one step you can do to stop seeing her? Is it not answering the phone when she calls? Once a day, maybe, or just saying I can't talk now I'm busy, can I call you tomorrow? If you talk every day that would be a distancing move. You have the power to leave. Can you just let the phone go to voicemail or just shut it off for a day? Can you think of another small step you can take? This is how you get through. A small step at a time.

 

[Bird33]

@UnicornSightings Your right. I guess I just have a difficult time trusting myself. I can stay away for a little while but then ultimately I question myself and say “maybe it’s just me and I am overreacting.” Then I respond. I am working on it. This is one of the most painful and hardest things I have had to deal with.

@DharmaGirl Your not being mean. Your right I have a lot of suggestions. I know it’s frustrating to read I’m sure, I am totally frustrated with myself. I don’t act like this normally. I have been doing what you suggest, not answering, shutting my phone off and like I said I am so much better than I was a year ago. It’s just such a process, I guess.

I do appreciate everyone’s comments and I am trying.

 

[UnicornSightings]

@UnicornSightings Your right. I guess I just have a difficult time trusting myself. I...

You’ll get there when you’re ready. I hope you can be proud of yourself for questioning all this. That’s really good. And you’re very open to other people’s views and opinions. I think you’re in the process of allowing in alternative beliefs about the situation. Just keep doing you. You’re doing everything right right now to get to your next step. <3

 

[EveHarrington]

Maybe I’m off but to me this seems like the fawn response of fight/flight/fawn/freeze.....in that you feel that you must keep her in your life in order to survive.

I’m working on IFST parts stuff, and my fawn part is incredibly strong. I have to take care of her more than almost any of my other parts. I mean she is one of the few parts who has the power to make me physically sick! It took quite awhile to get through to her, calm her down, ask her what she needs, comfort her, and get her to step down so that “self” can be in control. Maybe this sounds confusing, but it’s how I make sense of my parts/feelings/thoughts. For me, “fawn” is a child part crying out in pain. It sounds like it might be the same for you.

 

[DharmaGirl]

It's not frustrating to read. I have been there myself. I should have said that before. YOU are ok. You are not bad, or frustrating, or anything like that. I tend to encourage people to make a small action, which could get the ball rolling. I'm so happy that you have done what you have, and so you are working toward your goal. That is huge! You will get through this. It is messy and hard, but you will feel better. :hug:

 

[Bird33]

@EveHarrington you are absolutely correct. This is a child part of me that has wanted someone to take care of me. (I never really thought I wanted someone to take care of me and I never allowed it. I took care of myself. Until this.) My ex therapist offered that! She said she wanted to be the one there for me. And I would do the same for her. When I was a kid my maternal grandmother walked in on abuse with my grandfather and did nothing. My mother saw the burns on my chest from my grandfather and did nothing. I am so afraid to let go of the chance that she (my ex therapist) is that persons does that make sense?

Thank you @DharmaGirl You have been in a similar situation? Could you explain? I’m just trying to understand all of this.

 

[EveHarrington]

@EveHarrington you are absolutely correct. This is a child part of me that has wanted...

Yes, that makes sense.

You think she may be the one to save you?

What about if you were the one to “save” yourself?

I understand the desire to have someone save you. I’ve been there. That was the draw with the relationship I told you about. The truth is that my friend couldn’t save me. He made many promises for the future and wanted to fix me. It all blew up in my face as he was forcing therapeutic techniques on me that aren’t good for those who have been abused.

I still have my fawn part flare up. “Self” has known for quite some time that he is bad for me and he must go, but when my fawn part flares up, I still try to get him back in my life. It’s completely done now....no more contact. But it must be a different view from where he sits, thinking I desperately want him as a friend. (I don’t——I just say this as an illustration of how powerful my fawn part is.)

 

[Bird33]

@EveHarrington Yes, I felt like she would save me. I understand that I can only save myself but it’s that whole alone feeling. I was left alone in the basement “waiting” to be abused sexually by my grandfather. It was awful and I will do ANYTHING not to have that feeling ever again. I understand but it’s so hard in the moment when the feelings come up.

Your completely right and that part is so strong. So how do I fight it? I’m trying by doing the things that I have said but it only works for so long.

 

[EveHarrington]

@EveHarrington Yes, I felt like she would save me. I understand that I can only save...

Well, with IFST, you don’t fight a part. You get to know the part. You find out what that part needs. You as the adult give the part what it needs. If you try to force the part to do something, the part will just fight back. The most you can do is ask the part to do something. If your adult self has given the part what it needs, the fawn part will be more likely to respond favorably when you ask it to do something.