Automatic self-repression/knowledge suppression

[Gorkysz13]

anybody else ever dealt with thing thing where they are so misaligned energetically that they automatically self-repress their own thoughts and energy ... so in effect they feel like no one....

my life is good and im able to distinguish between the past and present and slowly but surely my own emotions versus others finally but it feels like nothing comes out of me naturally and whatever is i automatically repress im annoyed and frustrated as hell and it's been causing increased feelings of dysphoria. i just want to desire what i desire and do what i want to do, but that's EXACTLY what is being repressed, as well as my own internal voice !!!!! UGH i feel like a slave in my own body, and a slave to others whims for me, because i can't hear myself!

(i feel like this is tied in with the effects of emotional neglect where ive never been able to consider my own needs as important but i wish it would stop - every moment is a nightmare of longing and mis-placed feeling)

 

[shimmerz]

Yeah, absolutely. It was this line that really resonated with me:

i feel like a slave in my own body,

This is where I was forced to put into action my own self healing routine. It was really, really difficult. I had never been taught that caring for my body was okay, or how to do it.

I incorporated essential oils (to keep my interest). I researched them, then started making toothpaste out of them, and each time I brushed my teeth, as hard as it was, I mindfully repeated that I was taking care of my body by exercising my choice to take care of my teeth by not ingesting flouride. It was kind of an intellectual exercise.

As I continued to research, I made various concoctions, all with the thought in mind that I was 'taking care of my body'.

For me it worked. I now have many routines that I follow using essential oils to help me stop feeling like I am dragging this god awful body around with me. Not sure if that helps you at all, but that is how I was able to start integrating my body awareness.

 

[Sweetleaf]

ive never been able to consider my own needs as important

I have such huge problems with this. I've been subjected to emotional abuse/neglect, too.

 

[Ladygdala]

anybody else ever dealt with thing thing where they are so misaligned energetically that they automat...

I struggle with this as well. I work in a very customer service based environment so faking a certain personality at work is so much more draining than it is for others. I literally need to rest as soon as I get home. It’s exhausting and embarrassing. I had group photos the other day, I swear I was trying to smile but when I looked at the photos after, I looked stern. I have no idea what I look like when I’m doing things. So awkward and ‘misaligned energetically’ as you put it. Just trying to go about my days till this starts to lift. A lot of the people I have in my life only knows my “cover” which can be frustrating when I try to explain to them how I’m feeling. They say, what if that’s how you’re supposed to feel and you’re just looking into it too much? So frustrating... I also feel a lot of guilt for feeling this way. There are others whom are struggling. But at this point, I almost miss the hyper vigilance I had many years ago,
Are you finding anything that is helping? Or has helped?

 

[shimmerz]

I just wanted to add something that I just learned about. This guy on Youtube teaches the Feldenkrais method. It is used to bring somatic awareness to the body. I am noticing that it also brings up some emotions when I use it. I had never heard of this method before but I have been using it lately and it works for me.

Improve hip flexion + extension without stretching tutorial

 

[Hope4Now]

First, yes yes yes. You are not alone. I've been in therapy for five years and am just beginning to sort out what I need and how I feel at any given time! You have my deepest compassion.

following what @shimmerz said, Feldenkrais is great. It is an outgrowth of something called The Alexander Technique (which I worked on with an Alexander therapist for a while and it was hugely helpful in getting me better in touch with my body and cluing into some of my emotions). Anyway, Feldenkrais was Alexander's student. I KNOW there are some Alexander teachers who are also specifically trained to work with people who have survived trauma. I suspect there are Feldenkrais practitioners like this too. It is a great bodymind approach and I still use what I learned.