Sweetleaf
MyPTSD Pro
I have a lot of confusion about this, and I really wonder if I'm just minimizing really hard, or if it really isn't that big of a deal, or anything at all. I don't know what to think about it. I've never been able to bring myself to talk to my therapist about it, which, as I type this, is making me feel sick about it in that that's how I act with things that are traumas, and I really, really don't think this is a trauma. I think I am just hesitant to say it because it's embarrassing, and that's all. It's just weird.
I don't know exactly what age it started, because these things kind of ramped into this. I will explain this later. I think around the age of 9 or 10 or so, is when it started. My dad started showing me pornography. Mainly on the TV, when nobody was around but me and him.
This continued, for years. At the end I was outwardly expressing my disgust, strongly. I'd make some disgusted noise and dramatically walk out of the room like a teenager.
When I say ramped up, I mean like, he exposed me to things that you shouldn't expose children to at x age. So, I don't even remember the start, but he would always watch any sort of material he wanted when it was just me and him around. This kept going. I was cool with it because I was like "oh, cool! i get to watch the big kid stuff and the grown up stuff!" even if I got really scared by the scary movies, I still liked it ultimately. But, this expanded into the pornography when I reached that age. He even would show me it on the computer, eventually, and when technology caught up for it to be common enough, his laptop. At first it was like the other things, to me. "Oh wow I get to see adult stuff cool!"
and I also liked it, which is.. i dunno. thinking about that, see this is why I am saying it is confusing. I have also had a lot of problems with my sexuality my entire life, and I was mostly paying attention to the females when watching it with him. I also had my first sexual experiences with females. Throughout my life, through my high school and college years, my sexuality has bounced between being into females -only-, and being into males -only-, and being into both, and being into neither, and this has continued my whole life. My adult trauma has only complicated it. It's always been fluctuating though, and thinking of this early pornography exposure and my watching of the women in it, was something that caused a lot of confusion for me growing up.
As I got older, I got a better grasp of what was going on, and I started to just feel really grossed out by him showing me pornography.
There was never anything beyond this, like, I was never touched. He just showed me pornography from a young age and continued for years. I don't even know what to think of it.
I think I actually recall masturbating once or twice during this. I thought I was hidden under the blankets well enough for it to be unnoticeable. This is also what had me starting to masturbate. I feel really grossed out by that and so wrong about it, actually, now that I think about it. It's just gross. I also recall walking in on my father laying down in his underwear in front of the TV with porn on it. Then, he noticed I was there and stood up and turned around and kind of looked surprised, and then just walked off and came back with pants and kept watching it and said nothing about it. I didn't even think of what was going on during that, for years. Had no clue I had basically just walked in on him masturbating, and he came back with pants on and kept watching porn. It's just weird and I don't know what to think about any of this.
I feel wrong even posting in this section, because all the things that happened to me as an adult, really make this look like nothing, and I never felt bothered by it before, aside from being disgusted by it. I didn't really think about it, or care about it, or anything. It didn't feel like a big deal, but it's weird, and I don't know what to think about it now that I look at it, years later, as an adult, some one who has been a teacher of children that age. An adult who has been subjected to years of domestic violence, sexual assault, being used as an object, emotional abuse, I can go on and on, it was just horrible. My father showing me porn was nothing at all like those horrible years. But it's still confusing, and I don't know what to think.
On top of this, it feels wrong posting here because I've already read so much about the horrible things that so many of you have gone through as children. I often identify in that I have had many of those things happen to me, just as an adult, but, I don't view this weird shit from my childhood as trauma, or anything like that. But I am also very confused about it and I don't know what to think, and I am posting here because I'm hoping maybe the people here can help me figure out what to think.
I am really having a hard time hitting "create thread" right now. I really am having a hard time with the idea of anyone reading all of this. f*ck it.
I don't know exactly what age it started, because these things kind of ramped into this. I will explain this later. I think around the age of 9 or 10 or so, is when it started. My dad started showing me pornography. Mainly on the TV, when nobody was around but me and him.
This continued, for years. At the end I was outwardly expressing my disgust, strongly. I'd make some disgusted noise and dramatically walk out of the room like a teenager.
When I say ramped up, I mean like, he exposed me to things that you shouldn't expose children to at x age. So, I don't even remember the start, but he would always watch any sort of material he wanted when it was just me and him around. This kept going. I was cool with it because I was like "oh, cool! i get to watch the big kid stuff and the grown up stuff!" even if I got really scared by the scary movies, I still liked it ultimately. But, this expanded into the pornography when I reached that age. He even would show me it on the computer, eventually, and when technology caught up for it to be common enough, his laptop. At first it was like the other things, to me. "Oh wow I get to see adult stuff cool!"
and I also liked it, which is.. i dunno. thinking about that, see this is why I am saying it is confusing. I have also had a lot of problems with my sexuality my entire life, and I was mostly paying attention to the females when watching it with him. I also had my first sexual experiences with females. Throughout my life, through my high school and college years, my sexuality has bounced between being into females -only-, and being into males -only-, and being into both, and being into neither, and this has continued my whole life. My adult trauma has only complicated it. It's always been fluctuating though, and thinking of this early pornography exposure and my watching of the women in it, was something that caused a lot of confusion for me growing up.
As I got older, I got a better grasp of what was going on, and I started to just feel really grossed out by him showing me pornography.
There was never anything beyond this, like, I was never touched. He just showed me pornography from a young age and continued for years. I don't even know what to think of it.
I think I actually recall masturbating once or twice during this. I thought I was hidden under the blankets well enough for it to be unnoticeable. This is also what had me starting to masturbate. I feel really grossed out by that and so wrong about it, actually, now that I think about it. It's just gross. I also recall walking in on my father laying down in his underwear in front of the TV with porn on it. Then, he noticed I was there and stood up and turned around and kind of looked surprised, and then just walked off and came back with pants and kept watching it and said nothing about it. I didn't even think of what was going on during that, for years. Had no clue I had basically just walked in on him masturbating, and he came back with pants on and kept watching porn. It's just weird and I don't know what to think about any of this.
I feel wrong even posting in this section, because all the things that happened to me as an adult, really make this look like nothing, and I never felt bothered by it before, aside from being disgusted by it. I didn't really think about it, or care about it, or anything. It didn't feel like a big deal, but it's weird, and I don't know what to think about it now that I look at it, years later, as an adult, some one who has been a teacher of children that age. An adult who has been subjected to years of domestic violence, sexual assault, being used as an object, emotional abuse, I can go on and on, it was just horrible. My father showing me porn was nothing at all like those horrible years. But it's still confusing, and I don't know what to think.
On top of this, it feels wrong posting here because I've already read so much about the horrible things that so many of you have gone through as children. I often identify in that I have had many of those things happen to me, just as an adult, but, I don't view this weird shit from my childhood as trauma, or anything like that. But I am also very confused about it and I don't know what to think, and I am posting here because I'm hoping maybe the people here can help me figure out what to think.
I am really having a hard time hitting "create thread" right now. I really am having a hard time with the idea of anyone reading all of this. f*ck it.